The Lanterns Will Guide You Home

The struggle of finding the light in my life was hard. My mother and I never had a good relationship, I constantly feel like I'm a failure. I need to find the happiness that I have been searching for my entire life; I need to find the light.

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1. Christmas Lights

I got into a fight with my parents two weeks before my seventeen birthday. the fight was about ONE bad mark on one English assignment. It was actually a test, not just an assignment, therefore, I was unable to re-do it. I ended up having three panic attacks from the stress overload being put upon me, and by 11:00pm I got kicked out. The next day I did get a choice to come back. However, I needed some things changed not only on my behalf, but their's as well. I attempted to tell them. I even told them I needed to tell them how I felt about our parent-daughter relationship, but I just got interrupted by a lecture. A lecture that was unnecessary. I already knew what I needed to change. Since my voice was irrelevant to my parents, I told them I wasn't coming back at that time. Throughout these past (almost) three months that I have been gone, my mom keeps messaging me. She doesn't ask how I am doing, and she doesn't say she misses me or loves me. My mom will message me telling me that I am failing all my classes. Which, is untrue, because I have an 80% in English, a 70% in science, a 89% in fashion studies, and a 94% in art. 50% is considered failing in the terms of my school. Therefore, I don't think I am failing, but my mother does. She hasn't been just messaging me about my courses. She continues to say that I will never have success in my life. Am I hurt that my own mother calls me a failure? Yes. Am I mad? No. I believe she still wants what is best for me, but I am no longer in her household, and she cannot control me as much anymore. Therefore, I think she is trying to do what she can to make sure I finish high school with excellence. Is her approach a great one? No, but I don't think she knows any other way to guide me. Our mother-daughter relationship has always been rocky and very rough. We are completely different people—personality and even our appearance. She needs things done HER way or else it is wrong. I enjoy trying to do things with different techniques and through a different viewpoint. My mom is closed-minded; she doesn't really accept people for who they are. For example, gay and trans people. To her they just have a mental disorder. To me, everybody is equal and valid. As long as people are happy, there is no need to take away a gay person's right to marry their love. There is no need to discriminate a trans person, because they are making decisions to make themselves happy, and happiness is important in everybody's life. My mother has an oval head, and is tall. I have a round, chubby face and I am short. The only thing about our appearance that is the same is we are both bigger breasted, and we both have chestnut brown eyes. Other than that, we are completely different people.

Earlier today, my boyfriend's siblings were fighting, like most siblings do. Humorous, the fight was. It just made me think about my own siblings. I miss them. I miss my mom. She might be a complete bitch, but I love her and miss her. Now I am sitting outside, in the cool early night. Today wasn't a cold day. Except the wind earlier; it was brutal. But, right now, at this moment the trees are still, and everything is quiet. The Christmas lights on the houses are still on, but are soon to be put out. I inhale a puff of my smoke, and let the crisp air nibble at my finger tips. My boyfriend then walked outside and turned off the Christmas lights and told me that it was time for bed.

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