RANTS

THIS WILL HAVE SWEARING IN IT!!!! POSSIBLE TRIGGERS???? It's going to be confusing. Yes, I'm weird, and probably crazy. Enjoy, and for those that might be in it that I'm ranting about; I WON'T mention your name, but I may make up a name or may not. I don't know.

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2. Rant #1 ~Where's Waldo?

If you get the reference, then awesome! But for those who don't, "Where's Waldo?" is a game where you try to find a specific person and he's always wearing a red beanie and a red and white stripped t-shirt and jeans. It's an old children's book too and probably a TV show or something too. Anyway, you always try to find him in crowds and such; if you find him. you win the game. Simple. Anyway, yeah, so I picked that as the title but now I'm kinda re-thinking it because I don't know if it'll go with my rant. Oh well. ON WITH THE RANT!!!!!!

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So, we met right? You wrote first. I saw, and didn't think anything of it; "Just another person." But then somehow we ended up talking and we became close. I told you more stuff then even HE knows. I told you about him and other things. I told you about my dad and all and we even flirted but I don't know. I didn't think anything of it, I guess. Then something happened that night, and that next morning. Where you cut me off. You said nothing was to come of anything. You didn't want to get close; I got that. I wasn't able to at the time. But it still hurt, because after that; everything changed. We barely talked and when we did, I couldn't take it. I was angry and hurt; I because I guess I was happy when we talked. We'd act like complete idiots together; it was as if our bond couldn't break. I learned quickly your schedule. When we could talk, when we couldn't. How you talk, what you say, how you'd respond to certain things, what you were thinking, how you felt, how you'd act. I learn so much about people in just a few days or hours depending on how much we talk. I learn how they interact, their intentions, how they think or potentially how they think, how they'll respond depending on what I say. What advice they'd give, how they are; I read people. easily. Although, I don't judge them anymore. I used to but my best friend taught me not to. Although, if you really think about it; there's no way that anyone who says, that they don't judge people. Because whenever you look at a person, you do a quick checkout probably subconsciously, and you see how they look, what they're wearing, their hair, their mannerisms, speech, and everything. Even if you're not full on "judging" someone like, "Oh ew! They have blah blah blah..." You're still, assessing them as you call it. You're still seeing if you have a chance at talking to them and how to approach them. Even if you're not aware you're doing it. But I do understand what people mean when they say that they don't judge people. They mean that they  don't judge them based on their past and style. 

 

But back to the rant. After that night, things got awkward. I was down in my dark slump and I only told you some of it.Only partially what's going on, but you didn't comfort me. You give me logic, rather then affection. Brains rather then dry "Oh it's going to be okay.". I don't need logic. I need comfort and affection. I need love instead of data. You don't understand that I was on the brink of d3AtH. Thinking about it constantly. Even while I was talking to you. There were hidden deeper meanings behind that prank. But you only saw it as a prank and nothing more. Even if you did, you never said anything. Didn't lend an ear to talk. I guess you thought that I was busy or something and maybe I was?? I don't know but it didn't help anything. No comfort in this time of need. Just a "I need to go." 

Fast forward a few weeks ahead and there you are, gone. Missing. When we do finally message either; you say that life happened and stuff. Understandable. Recently though, I told you something and you didn't help at all. I even admitted something and you didn't grant me any affection. You just seemed so bored of me. And disappointed. Which is not the way to go. People are already disappointing in me. I'm disappointed in myself. I don't need you to be too. We don't talk anymore. Or it's just me being silent. 

 

I feel as if you were only here just because at the time; you were lonely and were forced to come here. And now that you don't have to come here anymore; you leave. You don't need us anymore. Did you even care? I thought you'd never leave....like a true person. But what did I expect?!! EVERYONE. Leaves. No one EVER stays. My heart is cold now. But at least; you remembered my "special" day. And yet, I'm still angry at you; because you didn't stay. You left as soon as your things came. As soon as you were off of probation. Now you're nowhere and left me alone to try and deal with these regrets by myself. 

 

Bring Me The Horizon~ True Friends 

https://youtu.be/jeQMuTf3B0E

 

"Don't you know, don't you know? True friends stab you in the front!"~Bring Me The Horizon, True Friends

 

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12-09-16 

Friday, December 2016

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