RANTS

THIS WILL HAVE SWEARING IN IT!!!! POSSIBLE TRIGGERS???? It's going to be confusing. Yes, I'm weird, and probably crazy. Enjoy, and for those that might be in it that I'm ranting about; I WON'T mention your name, but I may make up a name or may not. I don't know.

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4. Not a rant.Just an Ugh #1

He hasn't read it yet. Why do I keep hoping and checking if he does? Because, I still have that stupid a$$ 'glimmer' of 'hope' that he'll apologize and say something. Ya' know, like, "I'm truly sorry that I hurt you like that. I don't know what's wrong with me." Or something stupid like that. I'm stupid for even thinking he'd read it eventually. The only time I teared up about it; was last sunday or so. When I was in the truck waiting for my dad to come and had the radio on. "I Hate You I Love You " came on and I started singing to it. Terribly, I might add, and it was like there was a film playing in my head. Like in the movies, when there's those old mid 1900's film reel movies. But it wasn't black and white. There was pictures, conversations, sounds, and just remembering everything we did, said, and promised. Then came the pictures of him and his girlfriend. And the song was playing in the background and of course I was singing which made it worse, and I teared up. Then my dad came and I put the radio back to where he had it before, and turned it off before he came. 

I hate it though. I hate that I teared up. I hate that I'm tired of living. I hate that I have no drive. And yet I love it. I love being free from him. I love being me. I love watching the people around me, but I hate life. I hate some of my family. I hate school with all of it's stress, and me being stupid and not smart at all. I hate that I can't walk places because I don't live close to anyone or 'in town'. I hate that I can't do anything. I hate that I don't have real friends. Yeah, I know I know. Dani said they'd be my friend and that they're there for me. But that's the thing, it's hard to explain. My family life and such. Cameron doesn't know about it. We've sorta drifted which sucks a$$, but I don't blame him really. I mean it was before what happened in his life recently. After one night, everything changed. I hate it and regret it, but things are different now. Nothing's the same. Humor is gone in general between us and myself. Happiness can only be on the outside. Sometimes it tricks you into thinking and believing that it's true and pure, but it's not. Happiness never lasts. Failed love, distant 'friendships', fake families, fake smiles, hurt feelings, no sleep, too much stress. 

There's too much of everything that I'm getting closer and closer to my breaking point everyday. One single little thought, entered and then left. Now it's back and that little idea is becoming more and more detailed everyday. Until one of these, days, the screaming and crying will finally stop. 

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