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I've seen a lot of these going around, and I haven't read many things on here yet, so I figured why not? :)

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3. Lost to the Flames by Le Fox

Okay, so first off I like your title! It gives us a sort of idea of what it might be about, but doesn't give to much away and is open to interpretation, so I applaud you for that. Your blurb, I feel, kind of did give too much away, though hopefully as I begin reading I will realise this is not the case. I also love the cover, it's very well drawn though doesn't really seem to fit with the story from what I've read so far, but hey, maybe I'll be proved wrong.

On with the show!

 

 

Chapter One:

Okay, so I appreciate what you're trying to do by setting up your story, but the first sentence already has me kind of thrown off. It doesn't quite seem to flow right, so I'd suggest maybe changing it a little. However, after a couple of paragraphs it seems to settle in to the chapter and the writing is a lot smoother. It's a pretty smooth transition into the present and past all the sort of pure narration, so we're getting into the action now. At first, it is pretty interesting, and I'm feeling like I know a lot about Rune and background even though nothing has been explicitly stated, which is always good. Also, when you say 'Rune didn't much like fire' I really like this because it's conflicting with the title and makes me think there's been something to do with her past that is to do with fire/flames.

It's a bit awkward how you seem to slide between Rune and the teacher's points of view, which is rather annoying and threw me off a bit. Also, noted that Rune is not white, because such diversity seems to be lacking in fiction right now. At one point you wrote ' "Aye,"," ' which I'm sure is just a typo but I just felt that I should point that out.

I like the mention of Rune's father not showing up, and I think it could be an interesting subplot to add into it. Also, I love that you've added in another language to show Rune's background - Scots, right? - and the fact that this will probably make her stand out a lot, as well as that her mother doesn't seem to approve of this. The relationship between Rune and her mother seem pretty interesting so far.

Suzanne at first seemed like she'd be a bit annoying, but I'm beginning to warm up to her as this chapter progresses.

I am a bit confused about one thing, though. Rune seems to me to be coming from a more working class background, and Suzanne seems to say that it's very expensive to board there, so I'm curious as to how her father came by the money. Also, considering that I go to a private school, I can really get the quote from Suzanne about scholarship kids being a depressing reminder that people are poorer but smarter. I'm interested also about Rune's connection with the fire and also the idea of her being a monster. I'm wondering what she did. You also spelt Irn Bru wrong. Avery sounds a bit freaky to me, like, he just stumbles upon Rune and that's not creepy. Still, I feel like they could have a friendship, especially if he is friends with Suzanne like he said.

 

 

Chapter Two:

Okay, so, um, exhaustion most definitely does not have connotations of strength if I'm being honest, so the first lines was a bit weird. I can really relate to Rune being tired though, and I think it shows conflict that Suzanne is a morning person and Rune is, like, not. However, with Rune's heavy dialect I honestly don't have clue what she's saying sometimes, and I don't know if that was the point or not but if it wasn't then maybe just tone it down a little bit, okay? Also, I find it slightly weird that Rune is so focused on Avery's eyes, like, what relevance does this have that you had to bring it up?

Okay, I've kind of just acknowledged by this point that you are amazing for representation because um, girlfriend? So, two woc, two wlw, and we've only got into chapter two. I genuinely love this part of it. However, I'm kind of nervous about Rune's comment on Laelia's beauty because I feel like although another wlw character would be great, a love triangle really would not. I'm rather perplexed by Gwendolyn, though. Like, who's Gwendolyn and why is she relevant? Is Gwendolyn a nickname for Laelia? It's all just a tad confusing sweetie. You spelt 'vegan' wrong as well, by the way. Also 'bloody nit' is a great insult, but I'm not sure why Rune used it?

Avery kind of confused me with how he acted around Rune, but no matter.

 

 

Chapter Three:

It started off pretty well, but I'm confused as to who Mrs Anderson is? I feel like I recognise the name but I'm not sure and it doesn't quite make sense to me. Also, I know that you stated that this mysterious woman had erased that girl's memories, but the way that you wrote her seems entirely illogical and quite forced. It doesn't seem like she had lost her memory so much as that she didn't want to tell anyone. Also, why does Mrs Anderson care about Lindsey so much that she's going to cry?

Now, about the Maths class part. It's a bit of a coincidence of how Avery just appeared next to Rune, and it makes me kinda think that he might be Hunter, but somehow I also feel like that wasn't the intention, so if it wasn't the intention, maybe write Avery as a bit less creepy. However, I think it's quite cute that Avery said 'my lady' after holding the door, and I see the beginnings of a romance blossoming here, which is cool, though I will be mad if it detracts away from the actual plot, as apart from in chapter one I'm not seeing any real magic here, which is a shame.

Now, Henry seems alright, but this Giselle girl is kind of a nuisance right now in my opinion. She's just sounding so self assured and kind of weirdly flirtatious, which doesn't seem to fit with how Avery described the twins at all.  She also seems really clingy and I think that her way of asking Avery out didn't sound realistic at all, and just sounded like she'd done it for a dare or something which annoys me because I just hate people who do that. Also, she didn't even ask what Rune's name was, which was quite rude.

Mr Stanton made me laugh with his line about the seats being permanent until they annoyed him. It's a very teacher-y thing to say.

 

 

Chapter Four:

At first, I was super confused, because  you've just decided to change to Avery's point of view, after three chapters of Rune's? Then you also randomly changed to the teacher's point of view for a couple of sentences, which really threw me off, and it comes across as a bit awkward. Giselle keeps on annoying me by rambling incessantly about that teacher, and by coming to see Avery after class. Even though they are going out now, Avery doesn't seem to really like it, and when Rune gets annoyed I can tell that it's not jealousy, but the fact that Giselle is just really irritating, which in my opinion, is fair enough.

Oh, and now Henry fancies Rune, which I think is way cuter than Giselle and Avery even though they haven't even had a proper exchange of words yet. Honestly, you really need to work on writing the chemistry between Giselle and Avery, it doesn't seem at all realistic and it just annoys me and probably most other people, too.

The scene with the powers display really freaked me out, if I'm being honest. It just seemed really creepy and a bi sort of dark, if you know what I mean. If this was your intention, then I have to say a massive congratulations, because it was amazingly well written.

 

 

Chapter Five:

Of course, Giselle threw off the plans that Avery and Rune had made. I love how you made Rune sarcastic without actually mentioning that shed was sarcastic, because whenever I see this written in books it just really irks me, so kudos to you for that. I feel like the scene with reading the book was a slight bit of an info dump, and it was a little irritating, but I do understand the context and it wasn't as annoying as most info dump type  scenes tend to be,  so I guess that counts for something.

Okay, Rune has fire breath? Like a dragon? That's awesome!

Also, that snowball fight part was really, really cute and now I ship these two a lot, because they're adorable together and the chemistry is so much better written than the chemistry between Giselle and Avery is, though love triangles do annoy me, so please don't make it turn out quite like that.

 

 

Chapter Six:

You spelt Laelia wrong near the beginning, though I'm sure that's just a typo. Also, the relationship between Suzanne and Laelia seem genuine, especially for their age, and I applaud you for this. I can really relate to the character of Suzanne too, an I think that your character development I great, especially considering that there is actually not many scenes with Suzanne in them at this point. Giselle's supposed empathy for Rune seems really forced and not quite real at all, though this may be just because I don't like her character.

At first, I actually really liked Henry, though obviously my opinion has changed somewhat now. I think that Rune's actions towards Henry were written really well, especially her feelings afterwards, but then you see to go into a sort of info dump, which I really rather irritating.

 

 

Chapter Seven:

I kind of get why Rune wouldn't want to get up, but the idea of her sleeping for about seventeen hours at a time, and Suzanne not even bothering to try and wake her up sounds a little bit unrealistic to me, but hey, maybe I'm just cynical. Now, even though we don't know very much about his character and haven't really met him at all yet I hate Taylor just from that one message that he sent Rune, and I think that you portrayed Rune's emotions really well. However, the girlfriend being so apologetic kind of confuses me, because from what we know of the nature of Rune's old group of friends, and just from experience with most girls, I think it a tad unrealistic that this girl was so apologetic and nice about it all.

Also 'try outs' is a very American sounding phrase for something which is set in Scotland, although I can't really be sure what the jocks say because they are a bit weird, so it's kind of just your call on any knowledge of Scotland you have to change that or not.

I also really feel empathy for Rune when she's talking to Avery about how she's feeling and why she was so upset. It feels very real and raw and somehow your style of writing in the dialogue makes her language make sense even if I can't speak Scots.  Also, the exchange between Rune and Avery and all those little kids was really cute and I admire you for adding Robert's doll, because we never really see that kind of thing in fiction and I love it.

 

 

Chapter Eight:

This started off really well, and I was glad to see more of Suzanne and Laelia's characters, as I feel they have been neglected somewhat in the more recent chapters. However, once it got to the part with the magic, it all felt rather surreal and a bit forced, really, I could imagine it but it just didn't seem to flow right, and honestly I don't understand why they would start practicing their magic in the grounds where anyone can see them.

That short scene in the classroom at the end really freaked me out, and I'm interested as to what this girl has to do with the plot, and which of the three girls she felt something was wrong with. I have a feeling it might be Rune, but I'm not sure.

 

 

Chapter Nine:

Honestly, I think this is the first time that I have actually felt any warm feelings towards Giselle. Like, at all. I'm really glad that Rune is still standing her own against Henry, and that Giselle has found the courage to stand up to her brother, even if I'm not entirely certain if her intentions are pure or not. 

I totally agree with Suzanne and Laelia not liking Giselle very much, and from what they've said about her previous actions what I felt for her earlier in this chapter is all long gone. She really is getting on my nerves by this point, and I just can't wait for Avery to inevitably break up with her. Also, 'Wicked' is one of my favourite musicals. I've been to see it twice - Broadway and West End - and it was amazing both times, so I really hope that you write it well when the characters are in it or auditioning for it. However, at the end when you wrote 'river cascading down a hill' it just really doesn't seem to fit at all. I'd suggest either re wording it or taking the simile out completely.

 

 

Chapter Ten:

Yup, it's official, I really definitely, desperately hate Giselle. Although, I am interested as to why she would befriend Rune and be with Avery if she hated their friends, as well as why Suzanne and Laelia didn't want to tell Rune what happened, but were perfectly happy with informing Avery. This seems like a bit of a plot hole because in the last chapter you said that they never told Avery about their feelings towards Giselle, and only told Rune, but now it's the opposite? It's a bit weird.

I'm so glad that Avery finally broke up with Giselle, though it ay be wishful thinking hoping that we won't see much of the Baker twins anymore. You also mentioned that trials for sports teams were to be happening soon, but earlier you said that Laelia had already had a try out for football?

I'm also super excited about these 'catacombs' and what they mean for the progression of the plot.

 

Overall, I actually quite enjoyed this and will be following the story as it progresses. You've got a couple of typos to fix, of course, and a few plot holes to fill in, but I honestly really thought this was amazing, and looking at your profile and realising that you're only fourteen makes me incredibly jealous considering how much younger you are than me, and how much more talented! 

I'd rate this as an 8.5/10.

Keep writing!

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