Reviews Store

I've seen a lot of these going around, and I haven't read many things on here yet, so I figured why not? :)

8Likes
31Comments
1248Views
AA

2. Hoist the Colours by Lady Panda

First off, I'd like to make it clear that I am going to be very harsh with all of my reviews.

 

Okay, so your movella is titled 'Hoist the Colours'. This is pretty relevant to the plot, which seems to be annoyingly rare, so thank you for making me happy with this. I also really like your cover. The blurb is pretty short, and I personally don't really like first person blurbs. Quotes and things make sense, make the blurb doesn't really give me much information on the plot, in my opinion, and just feels like an excuse to give us information without really writing it in to the story.

 

 

Chapter One:

Right off the bat in the first chapter, you seem to keep changing tenses, and I had to re read it a couple of times to understand it, but that may just be me being stupid. You also keep saying 'you' in it, which is always kind of a pet peeve, and it feels like it is kind of immature. Also, capitalising 'Head' really put me off. You shouldn't need to capitalise anything other than proper nouns just to make it obvious that it's important; you should be able to make that clear anyway.  'I grinned to his annoyance.' I think you mean 'grinned at'. Also, the language used in the dialogue bothers me somewhat. It just doesn't seem very piratish, nor does it sound like something anyone from that time would say. I understand if you use more modern language in the exposition, but when it is in dialogue it just kind of irritates me. Also, using speech marks for quotations is always annoying. This is a quotation mark - ' - and this is a speech mark - " . I don't particularly mind quotation marks for speech, but using speech marks for quotes is always irritating in writing, and tends to throw me off a lot.

 

 

Chapter Two:

You also have odd grammar within dialogue. When you use a tag after dialogue such as 'I growled' then you don't have a full stop at the end of the dialogue. If you have an action such as 'I grinned at him' then you don't have a comma. Question and exclamation marks can be used interchangeably, I believe. However, you do use this rule sometimes, so this may just be a little slip up. Also, your paragraphing seems to be kind of off sometimes; you should be using new paragraphs whenever there is a new topic or moment of action, but sometimes you start a new part of an action in the same paragraph, then take a new paragraph, which is rather perplexing. Also, your use of exclamation marks to show excitement just feels kind of amateurish to me, it's a bit irritating if I am being honest with you.

 

In terms of characterisation, I can see clearly what you are trying to do. I already dislike the villainous character, Bartolome, so you have set this up well. However, I feel like you were trying to create a more sort of morally questionable hero which I can definitely appreciate,  but I feel like you went too far with Morrow's cockiness and if I'm honest, I really hate him as a person. His character is interesting, of course, but you need your protagonist to at least be likeable, if not particularly good or heroic.

 

I also kind of get the feeling (this is from reading up to the end of the second chapter) that his 'acquaintances' don't seem to really like him either, which I think could make for an interesting subplot once we know more about these characters, particularly Torro. Also, until you explicitly stated his gender, I got the distinct impression that Arverly was girl, for whatever reason.

 

 

 

Chapter Three:

This is isn't really your writing, but I've noticed there is a bit of swearing, but the movella rating is green, so I think maybe bump it up, though I guess that is your call in the end.

 

I kind of feel like when Morrow points out his sarcasm, it jus detracts from the idea of his sarcasm and makes Morrow's character even more irritating. Honestly, I really hate him as a protagonist, and though your plot so far seems pretty solid and interesting, it needs a likeable protagonist to carry it. You constantly mention that Morrow is being sarcastic, and it feel like it is kind of talking down to the readers. I don't know if that was what you were trying to achieve, if it wasn't I'd suggest fixing it, and if it was because of Morrow's character he really needs a redeeming quality right about now.

 

 

 

Chapter Four:

Honestly, these characters are all annoying me this point. Arverly and Torro don't seem to give a damn about their friend, Morrow, and in turn he just seems to either not realise this or not care, which doesn't seem like a very healthy relationship. I mean, I can't exactly blame them, and I think they're alright as characters, but I'm honestly just itching for them to betray Morrow for themselves because they don't seem to have anything lose right now in terms of their relationship with Morrow. Also, Torro has a date. This doesn't seem convenient at all, and if it doesn't have bad or important consequences, that'll irk me.

 

Chapter Five:

Oh, so the date's Morria. Who is Morrow's ex girlfriend (?). Torro, that was rude, and now I am beginning to kind of sympathise with Morrow just a little, so I guess that's something. I still like Torro, though, I think he's shaping up to be pretty interesting. Arverly seems kinda just like a bystander or a stirrer, and those people always annoy me in life, so hopefully I won't end up hating ALL of the characters in this story. Also, you spelt 'sapphire' wrong at the end.

 

 

Chapter Six:

Wait, now I am rather confused. Is Morrow a pirate or not? It sounds to me like he's describing the pirates as a sort of separate entity/body from him, but in the first couple chapters it seemed pretty clear that he is a pirate. Also, Morria's seeming really cool now, and I don't blame her for choosing Torro over Morrow (although maybe she just got confused by how similar all their names are - Torro, Morrow, Morria). I still have an issue right now with the kind of language they're using. I'm pretty sure you said this is set in London, and they seem English, but they use very 21st century, American sounding language? What's up with that? Also, I am sick of Morrow always being a smart Alec and getting himself into further trouble, he just really annoys me and... Yeah. I feel like Torro would have made a much better protagonist, but that's just my opinion.

Also, he seems totally cool with leaving his friends unconscious and letting his ex girlfriend die, which is a bit annoying and also just undoes the slight sympathy I had for him. I don't know if you intended him to be written like a bit of a sociopath, but that's how he sounds, and unlike in Sherlock, it isn't executed in a way that I actually like him as a character.

Honestly, I feel like Morria's just there to add to the tension and doesn't really have much of a character other than that she's quite sassy and cocky, but not to the point that Morrow goes which drives me insane. Torro and Arverly especially don't seem to have much character about them, which I think comes from the fact that there are so many action scenes and we don't really get to see their relationships and personalities.

 

Chapter Seven:

I'm very confused - you just changed the narrator? It kind of threw me off, though I must say, I like Morria a lot more than I like Morrow. Honestly, I have just about nothing to say for this chapter. It's pretty short, and kind of predictable anyway.

 

Chapter Eight:

I think Morrow is really quite unfeeling, he gives off a really angry vibe and doesn't seem to accept his friends or like them even a little. I like how she showed a bit of the relationship between Arverly and Morrow in this chapter, though, so I guess that's something, right? The part where you wrote 'I wasn't knocked out. I was in a bag!' just feels kind of childish, if I'm being honest, because of the exclamation point. You use these quite a lot, and coupled with your kind of simplistic writing style it comes across as rather childish. I think if you take out the exclamation marks (because I personally don't actually mind your style) it could make it a lot more mature.

 

Chapter Nine:

I don't really understand what Arverly was trying to achieve by informing Morrow of the fact that Bartolome didn't like him, because from what I've read it should have been pretty damn obvious.

Also, it seems kind of out of character for Morrow to care about Morria turning Bartolome in, whether it was a lie or not, and I don't get why he would make such a fuss as to yell about it.

 

Chapter Ten:

This review is nearly done! Honestly, I feel like by this point, the action scenes are just getting really tiring and repetitive. Morrow is a smartass, gets into a fight, his friends get hurt, he doesn't care, he kills people, he doesn't care, he gets hurt, he cares a lot. I actually found myself just glazing over this bit and trying to find any secret ounce of character development that may lie within this chapter, but sadly, I could not. A lot of the time, your characters make quite funny comments that aren't really funny but are funny to the characters, and I feel like overall, it just makes the whole thing seem quite childish. Though we can all appreciate a bit of good humour, I feel like you're trying too hard and are ending up just not making it work right.

 

 

 

Overall, I think that the overall idea of this is interesting and it started off well, but then it just kind of went downhill. With little character development, and a lot of repetitive scenes that just end up making it confusing and predictable, as well as quite childish. I hope that this wasn't too harsh, as it has a lot of potential but also needs a lot of work.

 

I would probably give it about a 5.5/10.

 

 

 

 

Join MovellasFind out what all the buzz is about. Join now to start sharing your creativity and passion
Loading ...