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I've seen a lot of these going around, and I haven't read many things on here yet, so I figured why not? :)


4. Fortunes by Nightshade Creepypasta

First off, I think your cover could probably use some changes, mostly because when I first read the title I thought it said 'Fort Unes' not 'Fortunes'. The title itself also doesn't seem to make a lot of sense, so maybe make it more relevant to the plot? Your blurb, in my opinion, was actually very well written and seems to set up the story pretty well.


Chapter One:

Okay, so first of all, there is a lot of missing punctuation, such as commas when addressing Mr. Williams. Also, I don't understand why she would be going to the vice principal's office, and not the principal's. Your main character honestly seems a bit unhinged and rather crazy, which could be interesting but I'm rather concerned that you may not be able to pull it off correctly.

Also, the name of Sorcellerie really bothers me. It's pretty hard to spell and understand, plus it seems really quite made up just for the sole purpose of it sounding cool. If a family wanted everyone to think they were normal, then why on earth would they name their child such a ridiculous name? You also didn't really seem to describe her well. It was too info dumpy and boring, plus it sounds rather clichéd with the whole 'emo girl' thing though it doesn't work with her character's sassy nature, in my opinion. You also don't seem to understand the show, don't tell rule, as you show us things and then tell us the same thing we've already shown, which is quite off putting.


Chapter Two:

I don't quite understand why there are such severe punishments for not finding out what one's ability is, it really doesn't make any sense and just sounds quite stupid. Plus, the punishments themselves sound pretty childish, like the spiders, and I don't understand.

Your paragraphs are also very long, which is quite boring and off putting for the reader.


Chapter Three:

Again, the issue with the show and tell thing. You say the atmosphere was tense and awkward, but show us why, show us what way it was awkward in. However, I am intrigued as to what this 'family business' is, it all sounds very ominous.

Honestly, I was very confused when you suddenly changed to the new scene as it feels like it should be in a different chapter entirely. This was all incredibly boring, actually, and it doesn't feel like there is any action happening. I feel like honestly you could have just taken out the entire first chapter and it wouldn't really take anything away from the story.


Chapter Four:

This boy is incredibly confusing and it's really obvious what his power is yet Sorcellerie isn't able to figure it out? I feel like literally the only thing that we know about her personality is that she is 'sassy' yet also really oblivious and I'm not really feeling any character development at all.


Chapter Five:

The plot still doesn't really seem to be going anywhere, and it's incredibly irritating to still be sitting through it. However, I do feel like it might get a kick start soon, so that's always good. Also, I don't understand the part with the water into wine. That's definitely not two things worth the same value. This is really dialogue heavy, but I'm interested in everyone's powers right now so this could get pretty interesting if you play it right. However, I'm confused as Martha seemed like she'd be a pretty important character, but she's only in the first chapter.


Chapter Six:

Again, it's a bit of an info dump. Also, I don't understand what the fire was about, because it's made out to have been one of Cretine's nightmares, so then how did Sorcellerie experience it as well?


Chapter Seven:

Your chapters are pretty short, so I really don't have anything to say. The plot is kind of starting to develop by now, which is good, and I can see the beginnings of a relationship starting to form between these two girls (A and S).


Chapter Eight:

Okay, so at first Sorcellerie was supposedly sassy, but then she's just constantly apologising and being all timid towards those mean girls? I really don't understand this, her character seems a bit all over the place.


Chapter Nine:

This J guy seems a tad bit odd, to me. He freaks me out quite a bit, and I don't understand at all why he says the things that he says. He seems really out of place and awkward, in my opinion, though I do think that his character has some potential. There is even more info dumping in this chapter, which is  very dull, especially with the length of your paragraphs.


Chapter Ten:

The plot finally seems to be getting somewhere, and it's exciting to consider how this letter from Sorcellerie's brother is going to impact her and how this will advance the plot. I'm also with A on this, I don't think she should go at all, and it's really cool how A was supposed to kill the headmistress - it's adding a whole load of new excitement.


Overall, I don't particularly like this. It is getting a bit more interesting about ten chapters in, but it's boring in many places and doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

I'd rate it as a 4/10.

Sorry if this was harsh!

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