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4. Scapegoat

Rating:

8.5 / 10

 

The first sentence made me want to read more. Nice hook!

I think that you had a bit of an issue with information overload sometimes, where you tackled us with too many details at once. Too little description means no imagery, but too much leads to dullness and a boring factor in your writing. You want to find the happy medium.

One particular instance that bothers me: when it says, "My name is Robert Ellis, and I am twenty-three years old. And I know I'm not crazy," I think you should simplify it. “My name is Robert Ellis. I’m twenty-three years old. And I know I’m not crazy,” as one paragraph would be an easy solution. I just think that both "Robert Ellis" and the "I'm twenty-three" should be separate, because, if they are in the same sentence, it gives a bit of "information overload". Also, the bit about him not being crazy, I feel that that should be in the same paragraph with the aforementioned information. Putting it in it's own paragraph actually lessens the impact a bit, if that makes sense. It doesn't stop you in your tracks if it's in another paragraph, for some reason. In the same chapter, it has the other saying of, "My name is Robert Ellis. At least, it was. Now I have no name." At the "at least", begin another paragraph, and put the part about him having no name in the same paragraph.

Another thing that I noted was that the order of adjectives and adverbs are incorrect sometimes. It seems unnatural to interrupt a description of something or follow it up with a different description. For example, if I said, "You can see him barely," it sounds awkward. If I said, "You can barely see him," it makes much more sense.

Maybe you should look over your compound words. Compound words should either be the same word or have dashes. For example, if you were saying weight, you would say, "five-hundred-and-thirty pounds," so that way people don't think that each individual word addresses something different.

Love the dialogue. It flows very naturally.

I confused the characters rarely, as they all had very distinctive traits. Remember, though, to not have "information overload".

 

Absolutely wonderful! Love the storyline (so no problems there)! And, thankfully, not too many issues!!! WOO HOO!!

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