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3. Raising Kane

Rating:

8 / 10

 

I honestly don't like your jump between perspectives and tenses from the prologue to the first chapter. It's unnecessary.

The flow was sometimes disrupted by you repeating words that didn't necessarily need to be repeated. For example, in the prologue, you say, "...what was taking place within the castle," and the first sentence in the next paragraph is, "Within the castle...". It made me stumble a bit in my mind. Replace it with something that means the same thing, or even get rid of it, and that should solve the problem.

The dialogue is written great. No problems with that. The conversations are appropriate, and the mood correspond with the situation well.

Sometimes there was information overload, such as in the first chapter when they're describing drinking. There's just too much. Maybe get rid of some of that information, or reword it, and that should solve it.

The grammar is a bit iffy in places from the aforementioned "information overload". 

I kept confusing your characters because of similar personality traits. Maybe add a bit of information to make the characters more amazing.

 

I loved the storyline, though! There's actually not that many problems! So, yay! 

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