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5. I, Lady Grey

Rating:

7.25/10

 

I don't exactly see why the first chapter (titled "I, Lady Grey") is necessary. I'd just get rid of it.

There's a bit of an issue with commas. You have too many unnecessary commas. For example, in the first sentence in the first real chapter, you say, "I felt no fear, the day that Mam and Papa began to show signs of the plague." You should really get rid of the comma, as it is neither separating a phrase via a comma and conjunction nor listing details, and therefore should be rid of. Same for the first sentence of the second chapter. These are two of many occurrences. It helps to read aloud the sentences and see where you need to breathe and insert commas in those places. However, this is not always accurate, so be sure to check the rules as well.

The details seem to muddle together. Maybe you should add smoother transitions.

"For" is a conjunction, and therefore it isn't a sentence starter. There are multiple occurrences where you start a sentence with that word.

The dialogues a tad choppy (unnatural, doesn't flow), but it's acceptable. Work on it, though, because the people talk to each other strangely, in an awkward way (maybe you did this purposefully?).

 

THE STORYLINE IS GREAT. 

I love the thought that you put into the character's emotions (I can tell it's there). Maybe you should let a bit more of them shine through.

The storyline by itself is amazing. I can't wait for more!

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