Helpless

A helpless girl in a helpless life
~Endfic Writing Competition Entry for Best Story/Best Cover~

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1. Helpless

“I don’t want to be like this,” I whispered to myself. No one could hear me as no one was there.

I stared down at the water. It seemed to be so far down, but in reality it was probably only forty or fifty feet. I know that it wasn’t that far, but the water was shallow so I was pretty sure I wasn’t going to get out of this alive; I didn’t want too, so that wasn’t a problem.

I couldn’t deal with all this- all this shit that was happening to me.

My dad treating me like a servant my whole life, finding out that my friends were just using me for money, failing all my classes, even the blow off class, my mom choosing her boyfriend over me and abandoning me to my father, and all the other shit that has happened, and is happening in my life. I just couldn’t handle it anymore. It was so difficult.

I didn’t even know why I thought that I actually had friends. All I was is a self-harming fatty who hasn’t even had any actual friends since the third grade, and even they left me too.

“I shouldn’t be like this. No one should be like this,” I said, getting louder as I talked to myself. “No one should be like this,” I told myself again as I stared down at the dark river below me; Nothing but air and space separating myself from the water.

My eyes were wide and I could feel my heart beating like it did after a run. My breathing was rapid and uneven, and I know what was happening. I was having an anxiety attack.

These were one of the reasons I was up on this bridge, I hated getting anxiety attacks.

I put my hand over my heart and tried to calm myself down.

“Breath, just breath,” I told myself. “You can do this. You just need to calm down,” I whispered as I got ready to step off.

“Okay, your calm, now step off,” I said aloud. I didn’t have a doubt in my mind about not wanting to live, I was just afraid that the impact would hurt.

“Do it,” I whispered.

“Do it,” I said.

“Do it!” I shouted.

I did it.

And the impact was painless.

 

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