forever

The event changed everything, but a story can’t have a central theme unless there are walls to support it, roads that take you there and on, because I can’t just give you a fact and you understand it fully until I explain it. So here it is; I love Harry Styles, but the roads that I take you on to understand may not be one’s that you really want to travel, so heed the signs on the barren roadsides, and understand. I’ll tell you about the days, thirty before and thirty after, encompassing Harry’s attempted suicide.

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69. now and forever

So now you know. Harry and I could not have fallen in love if he had not fallen apart. Now you know how I tried to pick up the pieces, but I guess I missed a few. I think it took someone very special to find the parts that Harry needed most and that person was Amy Lee.  What people don't understand is that tragedies are not always about one or two people directly involved, but they spread out like ripples, disturbing fish that were distant away from the location of the impact on the surface of the waters. Amy Lee saved Harry just as much as I did, serving as a reminder for him. But she was so much more than that. She was a light that burned very bright in the darkness, and she warmed us.  She reminded us that we needed to appreciate every little second we have. I bet Amy Lee counted her breaths, and I bet she loved each and every one of them as a reminder of her being alive.  I think that people need to know that this story couldn't have ended happily if it hadn't ended sadly.  We don't speak much about his attempted suicide unless he is feeling particularly vulnerable.  There are days when he says, "I'm not feeling well," and I know where his thoughts are leading. But I hold onto him, and I light a candle to keep near his bedside when he refuses to get up. Not to make him feel guilty, but to remind him of Amy Lee.  He has told me that she reminded him of candle as well, but I think even more than that she was a raging inferno. She scorched us all, and the markers she left beneath our skin were not something that would scab over and heal, like Harry's scar had, but something that would be there after we were buried. We would always be marked by her.  I wish I could have asked her if she thought it okay that two princes were to be together instead of a princess and a prince, but I don't think she cared. I think she knew love and that any love held magic.  And I know that me and Harry have magic.  Maybe the fairytale we lived was not one that most people had in mind, but we had more than what most people would ever have or experience.  We had reminders; pictures and a scar and coloring pages that told us that someone full of life but surrounded by death had told us to chase forever. So we did.  Almost every night, after Harry falls asleep, I look at the picture from Disney World on my nightstand, and I want to ask Amy Lee if she knew that she was the Fairy Godmother.  I want to thank her for giving me Harry back.  I want to talk to her about the now.  And I want to thank her for my forever

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