The event changed everything, but a story can’t have a central theme unless there are walls to support it, roads that take you there and on, because I can’t just give you a fact and you understand it fully until I explain it. So here it is; I love Harry Styles, but the roads that I take you on to understand may not be one’s that you really want to travel, so heed the signs on the barren roadsides, and understand. I’ll tell you about the days, thirty before and thirty after, encompassing Harry’s attempted suicide.


6. 27 days before



I am watching an old movie, set in black and white, when Harry sneaks up behind me and places his chin on the top of my head, i let him have his moment, though i smelt his cologne as he approached.

He likes to think he is a subtle being though, a cat more than a bumbling dog, so i give a little theatrical jump, because i am starting to learn that you must treat the injured in the way they need to be, and i believe Harry needs more moments like these.

"you scared me!" i say, but suddenly awash in memories, of his stark face framed against the glowing porcelain of the bathtub, his eyes heavy nd face beaded with sweat, and there is blood, spattering and sluggishly spreading out from his right hand.


Then him, nestled in a cleaner, crisper white of hospital sheets, his face still twisted with a deep agony that was more than bodily wounds, his eyes watching me distantly as i speak.

"you scared me," i had told him, and then i had begun to sob.


"Louis?'' he asks me presently, concerned for my momentary silence, and yet he had been far less concerned for the almost permanent one he indulged himself in.

"I'm fine," i say, relaxing so that he doesn't worry.

I feel his sigh ruffling in the air, i catch a wisp of the peppermints he has taken to nibbling on when he refuses to eat anything else.

"Me too," he says, and i want to believe him so bad but he had said it a million times before he had cut into himself deeply, and now i cant trust him with those particular words anymore, which saddens me immensely, before, i would trust Harry with anything...



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