3. Chapter three

The rest of the week was a little bit more interesting than the first day. My dad didn’t have time, but he told Jonathan to take me shopping and gave me a list of thing I needed. Though, Jonathan protested extremely much we went shopping. He only had one condition and that was that his girlfriend could come with. I didn’t mind so we went shopping. His girlfriend was very beautiful, but in a very cheerleading way. We weren’t alike at all. I had to buy some things for school, clothes, a computer, a phone and something nice for my room. Jonathan paid, then dad would transfer the money from his own account to Jonathan’s.

We had bought everything except for clothes. “Where do you want to buy clothes?” Jonathan asked me. He sounded very tired and very bored. I shook my head. “I don’t know. “ He sighed very loudly. ”We’ll just go in Primark”, he said and there we went. I remembered things like stores and cafés. Just not people in the cafés.  My mind had just hidden it all away. It worried me, and I was afraid they would send me back if they found out.

“Here’s a cute dress. What size are you?” Jonathan’s girlfriend Jennifer asked. They question got me thinking.  What size was I? I looked discreetly at myself.  I was very skinny and my breasts weren’t very big.  I guessed a small size and Jennifer got me a dress.

After trying on a dress, a couple of jeans and some T-shirts, we bought it all.  It wasn’t very expensive. Jennifer suggested that we went to a café to get something to eat. Jonathan didn’t look too happy about it. He didn’t look happy about being with me at all. We had such a great relationship before mom died. When she died we started sliding apart and that’s when I started getting my anger-issues.  A lot had happened to him in six years. He had been the perfect big-brother, who always protected me. Now he probably wished that I would have stayed at the hospital.  “I’m just going to go home”, I said.  Jennifer looked a bit disappointed, but didn’t say anything.

I woke up a quarter to six. My first day at school. I got out of bed and put on the dress Jennifer had picked out. It fit me perfectly.  I looked at myself with the dress on for a while. For the first time in a long time, I felt pretty. I brushed my teeth and braided my hair.  I had to do it a couple of times, to get it perfect.  I remembered braiding my hair all the time, when I was younger.  I was never really good at it, but it didn’t matter to me.

I went downstairs to get breakfast.  My dad was running around in the house looking for his keys. I picked them up from the TV-table and gave them to him. “I don’t know what I’d do without you”, he said smiling at me. “You’ve had six years so far, I think you’ll handle it. Now go to work”, I said and kissed him on the forehead. It felt awkward at first, but I knew it would become normal after a while. I really hoped so anyways. Though I didn’t want to admit it to myself I didn’t feel like they were my family anymore. Everything was so fake. I knew that Jonathan didn’t like me and my dad acted like he liked me, but it didn’t feel like it came from the heart. It didn’t feel like I was really welcome anymore.  Our family was very tight before mom’s death, but after that everything fell apart. My dad smiled at me and left.

Jonathan woke up a while after dad left. “When does the bus leave? “I asked.  “7:45” I started packing my bag and put on a jacket.  Jonathan ate breakfast slowly and started packing his bag. There was a quarter till the bus left, but he seemed like the was hours. I didn’t want to be late to my first school-day. I wanted a perfect start. As perfect as it could be after being six years in a mental-hospital. I was afraid that my class-mates would find out.  I was afraid that they would think I was a freak.

The bus was late, so I had plenty of time before the bus. I liked to have extra time. I didn’t have that much time to get to class, though. Jonathan followed me in, but then he had to go to class. I was left alone in the hall. I didn’t know where to go and there was two minutes till class. I was just about to give up hope, but then a girl came over to me. “Are you new here?” She asked.  I nodded.” Come here. I’ll follow you to the principal’s office”, she said. She seemed nice. I really hope I met nice people like her. ”Which year are you on?” I asked.  I didn’t feel quite as shy, when I was with her. She made me feel welcome.  Maybe it was because she didn’t know me. Maybe she would stop liking me, when she found out who I was. “I’m a freshman”, She said. We walked down a hall with lockers by both sides. It was exactly like I had imagined. A feeling of excitement rushed through my body. “I’m Cora. Here’s the office. I have to go to class. Have a nice day”, she said.  It was almost like she had rehearsed what she was about to say.” I’m Alicia”, I said, but she was already gone. I had my hand on the doorknob, when the door opened.” Alicia! So glad you’re here. Let’s get you to class”, he said.  I nodded. I felt different around him, then I had felt around Cora. I felt awkward and small around him. Did he know about me? Did he know that I had spent my last six years in a mental-hospital screaming and trying very hard not to start killing people. It still confused me that I was here. A little more than a week ago I had thought that there was no hope. Maybe it’s the second you know that there’s no hope that you turn mental. Maybe the things happening before are just the beginning.  Was there a part of me that believed I could be normal again? A part of the screaming maniac, who knew it would all be alright.  A part of me that kept believing. We stopped right outside a classroom. “Take it easy today. You don’t have to make friends the first day”, He said. He knew. Of course he knew. I took a deep breath and nodded.  He opened the door. The teacher was a young man with red hair. He stopped talking as we walked in. There was a few kids up a the chalkboard writing some equations. I loved equations.” This is Alicia. She’ll be in your class. “The principle said. I was glad he didn’t mention anything about the incident or the mental-hospital. He waved at me and left the room. ”Hi, Alicia. Have a seat next to Michael”, he said and pointed at an empty chair. I sat down. Michael was a strong-build guy that was much taller than me. I was a little terrified of him. I tried to smile at him, but he just glared at me. I wasn’t going to be best buddies with him, I thought. The red-haired teacher started talking again. He explained very difficult equations. The students took turn in coming up and writing the answer to the equations. I listened closely, but I didn’t understand everything. Fortunately, our teacher didn’t ask me to come up.

I sat alone, when the lunch-break came. We had a break from 12-12:30. We used to eat a quarter to 12 at the hospital.  I hated doing things differently. It made me nervous and it made me want to punch somebody. I was very afraid that I would hurt somebody.  My mind kept telling me to.  

As I took a bite of my sandwich, somebody came over to my table.  “Is anyone sitting here? “He asked. I nodded.” Yes… Well… I mean no nobody’s sitting there. “Before I finished my mumbling, he sat down.” I’m Ryan. You are?” I smiled at him. He wasn’t strong build like the guy I sat next to in class. He had muscles, though. He was just not as terrifying.” I’m Alicia.” He nodded and took a sip of his water. He was wearing blue jeans, and a blue T-shirt. He had brown hair and blue eyes. “You’re new here right? “His voice was deep, but somehow comforting. He had a very nice voice. I nodded and smiled awkwardly. I took another bite of my sandwich.” Do you want me to show you around? “He asked. I put me sandwich down on my plate. He was very nice to me. I should at least say a whole sentence.” Yes, Ryan. That would be very nice”, I said. He stood up and so did I.

He told me where everything was in less than ten minutes. He talked fast, but I understood it all. I could see that he enjoyed talking, but it didn’t matter to me. I liked listening.” So this is our school. Nothing special about it.  Well we have a really good lacrosse-team, but otherwise nothing new here. Your old high-school was probably boring as hell, too. High school, normally is “, he said. I smiled at him and he made a funny face. Then he got a more serious face and looked down at his feet.” I always talk too much. It’s one of my many flaws. My mother always tells me that I’m going to run out of words before I turn 20. My dad disagrees. He says that no matter what happens, I’ll keep talking. “He said and stopped at a locker. It was probably his. “You’ll talk long after they bury you”, I said. He laughed. He had a very soft laugh and it made me feel happy inside. It made me forget about wanting to hurt people.” I don’t mind, though. I like listening”, I said. He opened his locker.” Well, that’s great. Would you mind listening some more after school? “He asked and took a book out of his locker. He had just offered to be with me after school.  Nobody ever offered to spend time with me. Jonathan sure as hell didn’t and dad was never home. Even in a house full of crazies I was the last weirdo people wanted to play chess with. “Sure”, I said and moved my hands insecurely.  The bell rang. He closed his locker and talked with his deep voice again: “Great. I’ll meet you where the busses hold after school. “I nodded and he left for his class. I fumbled around in my bad, trying to find my schedule. I had gotten a piece of paper from my teacher telling me where I should go. I finally found it and went to the next class.

I hoped that things could be easier. That I wouldn’t always be afraid. Afraid of hurting somebody. They had told me so many times, that I was a danger to society. I believed it. I don’t remember, when I started believing it, but I guess it finally got into my head.  I still believed it and I think I would for the rest of my life. It sure felt like it at the time, anyway. 

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