4. Chapter four

I met Ryan at the busses.” We’ve got three options. Going to my house, your house or going into town. What do you want to do? “He asked. I thought about it. Dad wasn’t home yet, and Jonathan was at practice, so we would be home alone, but what would we do? The thought of going to somebody else’s house somehow terrified me. I often got terrified of things that I didn’t know. Things that weren’t in their place. I like to have a plan for what to do. If I don’t I find myself doing weird things as counting stuff. ”Let’s go into town”, I said.  And so we did.

Ryan told me everything about himself and I listened closely. He had lived in bellflower his entire life and liked the town. He had a mom called Patricia, she was a chef, and Ryan told me that they always got great food at his house. His father’s name was Peter and he worked as a lawyer.  They were a rich family, but they didn’t live in a very big house, he told me. He also had a brother, who was in the same class as my brother’s­. Ryan loved music, but he didn’t play any instruments. He hated school and especially math. The more he talked, the more I liked him. He was very aware that he talked a lot, but he didn’t apologize and I liked that about him. He told me that he didn’t have many friends, but that he didn’t have a sick story about being an outsider and how he always got bullied.” You just talk people away”, I said and laughed. He knew it was a joke, but I felt a little bad saying it. I liked not saying anything about myself.  I wanted to hide my past, for as long as I could. I had learned that it’s best to face your problems, but I didn’t want to be a problem.  I didn’t want to be something that someone had to take care of. I just wanted to be for a while. I just wanted to listen to his soft and deep voice. His beautiful lips moving as words came out of his mouth.  His eyes almost glowing with excitement every time he said something, that meant something to him. He kept talking about him being normal, and not wanting to be special, but something told me that he wasn’t being completely honest. Maybe he didn’t know that he wasn’t being completely honest. Maybe he thought that he didn’t want to be special, because it was easier that way. I told him that and he smiled at me.” What? “I asked. He shook his head and came closer to me.” I just like that you’re honest with me”, he said.  ”I’m always honest”, I said and stepped closer to him. He took his jacket of and kept smiling at me.” Then tell me this. Would you mind if I kissed you? “It almost seemed like a stupid question to me. ”I would mind quite a lot”, I said. He looked confusingly at me. I smiled. I loved watching his face. “I want to kiss you”, I said and stepped even closer. Then I kissed him.

All kind of feelings went through my body as his lips met mine. I felt happy, excited, scared and frightened. I felt like I was going to explode, but I couldn’t tell if it was good or bad. I just felt like I had escaped. Escaped from every little worry.

We broke of the kiss after a while.” You’re a good kisser”, I said. Not that I actually had any experience. This, I realized, was my first kiss. “Well, all that talking gives some practice, when it comes to the lips”, he said. I smiled and made a funny laughing sound. He laughed at my laughing sound. We laughed for a long time, and in the end I don’t think either of us remembered why we were laughing.” So what’s your story? “He said.  I froze. It would come eventually, but I had hoped I could wait a little longer. ”It’s a long story. I am one long and complicated story, that I don’t really feel like untangling right now. But I will tell you… Eventually”, I said. He nodded and we didn’t talk more about me. It was like he had never asked and I liked that. I liked that he understood and accepted my privacy. Every word he spoke, made me like him even more. I wasn’t afraid with him. Not like I was before. I wasn’t afraid of hurting him. He made me feel like home and I hadn’t felt that since my mom died.

 I couldn’t help, but smile all the way home.  I was so happy. Jonathan came home right after I did. “What are you smiling at? “He asked. I shook my head.” Nothing. “I said. He looked at me, with no sign recognition in his eyes. It was obvious that he didn’t like me anymore. I didn’t understand why and I just wanted to scream and hide. All the happiness had crept out of my body again. I really needed him right now. I needed my supportive brother, but he wouldn’t see me. “Have you had a good day? “ I tried, but he just stared at me. He was a bit like the guy I sat next to in class. Michael, was his name. I felt cold inside. It was odd how you can have one feeling one second, and a completely different feeling the other.” I’m trying, okay? What can I do to make things as they were before? “I said. He laughed. That’s when I got mad at him. Why would he laugh? Was it all a joke to him?  “They can never be as they were before. Nothing is the same. Mom’s not here, Alicia. She’s dead. And you are a lunatic who only got out of the mental-hospital, because they didn’t like you there. So wake up. Nothing’s the same and it’s better this way. Do you get that or are you too messed up to understand anything? “ I didn’t know what to say. I knew he was angry, but I never thought he would say anything like that. He thought I was crazy. He thought that I was a monster. He blamed me for everything. I wanted to cry so badly, but I also wanted to scream. Somehow neither of these things happened. I just stood there. Then I went up to my room get my jacket and my bag and left. I couldn’t take it anymore. I didn’t want to believe it, but it was true. Everything he said was true. I was mental, crazy. Mom was dead and nothing would ever be the same.  Nothing would ever be the same.
I wanted to disappear far away. To a place where no one could find be.

So, I ran. I ran faster than I ever thought a human could. My legs were moving faster than a thought came to my mind. I didn’t know how it was possible, but it was. 

Join MovellasFind out what all the buzz is about. Join now to start sharing your creativity and passion
Loading ...