It had been clear to me from a very early age that I was never really good with men. I had a bleeding heart personality, and I seemed to only take interests in people that I wanted to help. Any person with a bleeding heart like mine will tell you it is one of the hardest things that you will ever have to go through. Not only do I let people push me around, I also constantly battle with my anxiety and depression. This is the story about when my life started to downfall in one of the worst ways you can imagine.


2. The 2nd time around

I had met Jay when I was 16 briefly. We hung out for a couple weeks, and then he seemed to vanish into thin air. I remember still being so hung up on him. So imagine my surprise when a year later I got a friend request from him on Facebook. I remember being so excited, all of the butterflies that were flying around in my stomach. We got to talking, and I remember wanting to have anything to do with him, it didn't matter what it was at the time. I was 17, and he was 23 at the time. It was about 4 months before I graduated highschool that we picked things back up. He was just kind of looking for a friends with benefits, and being the dumb nieve girl that I was I agreed to it. For about a month I drove into the city that he lived in half an hour away to go see him quite often. Then I received a text from him telling me that he was starting to get feelings for me. We started hanging out and actually doing things together. He was so sweet, he knew exactly what I wanted, and what I wanted to hear, and he gave it to me.

After I graduated I moved out of my parents house, and to the city that he was living in at the time. He lived at his dads house at the time because he had given his ex girlfriend the house that they shared together. I funny enough moved about a block down from his dads house. Once I moved to the city he basically moved in with me, since we had more privacy at my place then we did with his dad. He ate at my house, showered at my house, had his bags and everything at my house. I paid for everything though. The rent, food, hydro, he drove my car and I paid for the gas. I was pretty whipped with him. But I remember thinking it's just money, and he gave me so much love and attention.

We went three months spending every single day together, besides for when I went to work. I worked about 6 hour shifts at a time, and he would always pick me up, and drop me off. As much puppy love that I was in I could never force myself to trust him completely. I should have known that was a big sign. My ex before Jay was rather physical, and dating a big roid head with anger problems didn't really settle my stomach either. I guess I was always kind of afraid of men that I was with. Well when one so close to you can hurt you like that, you imagine anyone could.

I remember when my depression had seem to almost resurface, and it was bad. Probably the worst that I have ever felt about myself. I had cut my leg up really good that time. When he seen it he took me on a drive, out onto this hill where you could look over the entire city, and we parked there.

I remember looking at him, and I was expecting to see anger, but really I saw disappointment, but not in me. We got out of the car, and walked to the very top of the hill. He grabbed my hands, and looked me in the eyes with the most sincere look I had ever been given. I watched tears start to well up in his eyes, and he begged me not to ever hurt myself again. He kissed my legs, and told me that I meant the world to him, and he never wanted to see me in that condition. That was the first time that he ever said I love you to me. I remember feeling like nothing could hurt me that night.

A week later I was going to a different city for a concert with one of my cousins. It was going to be the very first night that Jay, and I would spend apart. I remember him hugging me so tightly before I left, and didn't stop texting me the entire time.

When I got back to the city he had my car, and was no where to  be found, and neither was he. He had his phone off, and this is when everything started to really go down hill. Things like this would start to happen more, and more often. I spent more nights crying on my own. Meanwhile he was still assuring me that I was the best thing to ever happen to him. My anxiety was the worst part of the entire relationship. It made me question every single thing he was doing, and everything that I was doing. I remember always wanting to keep him happy, scared that if he left me than I really would be completely alone. I had lost all of my friends to him, every single one, including my bestfriend. I didn't have time for them between catering to Jay's needs, and work.

Things just kept on getting worse, until my worst fears were coming true.


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