5SOS one shots (boys x Reader)


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4. I Forgive

my true love is a man

who would hold me for ten thousand nights

in the wild, wild wailing of wind

he’s a house ‘neath a soft yellow moon

Y/N lets out a soft sigh as she turns so that she’s resting on her side on the bed. She’s got her phone held up to her ear, and there’s no one talking but it’s… nice. It’s comforting. To know that even though he’s on the other side of the world and could be doing something other than having a conversation (if you could even call it that) with her on the phone. To know that the boys have probably invited him out for the night but he’d declined, saying he was tired and instead opted to stay in just so he could call her.

 

“Hey, Y/N,” Michael speaks up after what seemed to be an everlasting silence between the two. “You still there?”

 

“'Course, Mikey,” comes her instant reply, as do her lips curl up into the smallest of smiles.

 

Michael sighs, “I miss you, you know? A lot.”

 

“Miss you too. Maybe more than you miss me,” Y/N jokes lightly and when Michael scoffs, Y/N’s breathing out a laugh. “What?”

 

“That is so not true, and you know it.”

 

“Ehh, who are you to tell me if it’s true or not?”

 

Michael clears his throat over dramatically on the other end of the line, “It is I, the one and only Michael Gordon Clifford, calling you out on your shit.”

 

“The whole Gordon bit ruined it.”

 

“That is literally my name – you are literally making fun of my name,"

 

Y/N chuckles, "Exactly,” she says with a little smirk painted on her lips, even though Michael can’t see her. Michael makes a sound of offence and Y/N can already picture him with that frown and disgruntled pout on his lips. She giggles softly, sighing towards the end of it, “I really miss you.”

 

“I know,” comes his reply after a brief moment of silence. “All I want is to be able to hold you in my arms, to be able to cuddle you all day and night because I can, to just have you by my side. All I want is the taste that your lips allow.”

 

“Did you just – ?”

 

“Fuck off, it was supposed to be cute,” Michael grumbles and then Y/N’s bursting out into giggles, turning her face so that it’s buried in her pillows. “Y/N,” he whines. “Stop laughing at me.”

 

Y/N giggles lightly again. “M'sorry,”

 

“No you’re not,” Michael huffs.

 

“Yeah, I’m not,” she laughs again and the smile on her lips is widening as she hears Michael’s soft chuckles from the other end of the line. She sighs, “I should go to bed now.”

 

“Why?” Michael whines.

 

“Because,” she says, then she’s sighing again. “Talking to you makes me feel like shit,” Y/N says quietly. “I mean, like. I love talking to you, really I do. But, I mean, I miss you so much right now and I had a really shit day and all I really want is to cuddle with you but we can’t because you’re not here, and I’m content with being sad for the night because everyone gets sad sometimes and I just didn’t want to, like, talk to you because that’ll just add to my sadness. And wow I sound really asshole-ish but I really can’t explain it and – ”

 

“Hey,” Michael interrupts her quietly. “I get it,” he says, then he’s pausing. “Kind of. But now that I know you’re sad I don’t want to let you hang up. You do know that, right? I refuse to let you go to bed upset.”

 

Y/N breathes a soft, half-hearted laugh. “Everyone gets sad sometimes, Mikey. Today’s just my day to be really upset and to be okay with it.”

 

“And I’d also be okay with that, but then now I’m not because I’m here and you’re there and we’re so far apart and all I want to do is hold you in my arms, but I can’t because – because we’re not, like, together in person and it fucking sucks. And sometimes I feel like I’m falling apart because of the pressure and the fans and the – everything and the only thing that makes me feel okay again is you, but then you’re not here and I can’t go to you for cuddles and – ” he cuts himself off, sniffling.

 

Y/N’s eyes widen with worry as he keeps on talking, propping her upper body up on her bed using her forearms. “Mikey?”

 

Michael ignorers her, just carries on talking, “– I’m sad all the time and I don’t know how to hide it anymore because all I want is you and, like, I don’t know how I’ve survived this long without you here. And I know that we talk, all the time, because we’re always texting and Skype-ing and FaceTiming and calling but it's not enough because I need you here with me, always, and I just want to hold your hand and kiss you and – ” Michael sighs, cutting himself off again. “You’ll be the death of me, Y/N. And truth be told… I’m actually completely okay with that.”

-

 

“Mikey…”

 

Michael takes in a massive breath. He gulps, “Yeah?” He answers, but his voice sounds so weak and soft. Like he knows what’s coming. He sort of does. And he’s actually okay with it. But that doesn’t mean that he still wants it to happen.

 

Y/N opens her mouth, but no sound comes out. She shuts her mouth, blinking a couple times and shaking her head subtly, more to herself than to him. Then she looks back at him, opening her mouth to speak again, “I’m leaving.”

 

Michael gulps, “What?” He mouths.

 

“I’m leaving, Michael.” Y/N repeats, her tone’s a bit firmer this time.

 

Michael doesn’t say anything. Just opts to look at her, eyes wide and mouth open slightly – almost gaping at her. He takes in a deep breath, but it still feels like he hasn’t got enough air in his lungs. But he knows why she has to do this. He noticed it, too. He noticed her emotional dependancy on him. He noticed his emotional dependency on her. And he presumed it’s not necessarily a bad thing because when you’re in a relationship, your partner’s emotions should affect you, but this was different. It was like they’d merged into one being, instead of two individuals and although Michael was – fucking is – in love with Y/N, it’s not right. What they’d become – it wasn’t right.

 

They’d become co-dependant on each other, and it wasn’t in a good way because there was literally no good way to be co-dependant on someone. Co-dependency wasn’t sexy. It wasn’t appealing. It wasn't romantic. It was built with a fuse and would surely burn out. The healthiest thing you could say to your partner is, “I would be okay without you, and that’s why I choose to stay.” Michael and Y/N… They couldn’t say that, because even they knew that without the other, they would not be okay. They’d be a wreck, a stumbling mess falling backwards, never being able to think straight ever again. And they could easily say that it was because they were completely and utterly in love with each other – which they were – but they couldn’t because it wasn’t right. What they’d become wasn't healthy, for either of them.

 

They needed the time apart. Proper time apart, where they’re not contacting each other at all, unlike when Michael was on tour. So Michael takes in another deep breath, his exhale shaky. A hand goes up to tug at his hair mindlessly before dropping back down to his side as he looks at Y/N. So beautiful, inside and out, so perfect, but so broken. It was always the most beautiful ones that were the most broken ones. So with eyes staring straight into hers –

 

he said,

“go where you have to

for i belong to you until my dying day”

Y/N smiles slightly. Just the tiniest of smiles, to show that her gratitude that he’s not getting mad at her. That he actually proper understands, because he's noticed it, too. “Thank you,” she breathes out softly.

 

“I love you, you know that right?” Michael asks, brushing back tendrils of her hair behind her ear. “You know that, right?” He asks again, before he’s even given Y/N a chance to answer, his voice taking on a desperate tone.

 

“I do,” she nods, sniffling once. “I know that, Mikey, I know.”

He brings his other hand so that it’s cupping the other side of her face. He’s practically cradling her head now, his elbows basically using her shoulders as an arm rest as his arms bend at the elbows to cradle her head close to his chest. “I love you, so much, and, like, I’ve never loved anyone this much and I understand – I understand that you’ve to do this, that you’ve to go. But, – I love you, okay? You know that, yeah? I love you, I love you, I love you.”

 

Y/N lets out a shaky breath, pulling away from where her face is basically buried in his chest. She’d stay there forever if she could, but she can’t. She has to leave. She has to learn to love herself before she can give him all the love that Michael deserves, because right now, all she can think about when she looks at herself in the mirror is how much she hates who she is. She brings both of her hands to cup either side of his face, then leaning forwards to press her forehead against his.

 

“Maybe one day we’ll see each other again,” she says shakily, breath fanning across his mouth. “But I have to go, Michael. I have to go.”

 

“I know,” Michael responds shakily, fingers tangling in her hair and pressing his forehead closer to hers even though they’re already touching. “I know.”

 

“I love you,” Y/N whispers, and with one final, lingering kiss upon Michael’s lips, she’s pulling away and turning on her heel – not once looking back.

 

And I walked away

       

Michael’s feeling a bit pathetic. That’s a lie. He’s feeling far more worse than pathetic. It’s like. He brought this upon himself and he’s spent everyday since then regretting it.    

 

He didn’t mean to. He swears he didn’t. He’s so fucking in love with Y/N, of course he’d never want to intentionally hurt her.    

 

But Michael Clifford’s also a fucking idiot who doesn’t know how to express his emotions through words (which is idiotic because he's songwriter, he should be good at this shit but he’s not). Michael Clifford’s a fucking idiot who went and got drunk to forget the ache in his chest, as opposed to calling his girlfriend up and staying up the night listening to her talk and looking at her beautiful face, even through the shitty webcam quality. Michael Clifford’s a fucking idiot who went and slept with someone else – all tender touches and soft kisses, like he would treat Y/N – thinking that it was Y/N when it absolutely wasn’t.    

 

Then he goes and pretends that it didn’t happen. Never told anyone. Just him wallowing in self-misery whilst hating himself (more than usual because he’s not exactly someone who even likes himself on a normal basis).    

 

Michael comes home from tour, and the guilt eats him up. So he tells her. Comes clean with what he’s done, thinking that maybe by saying that he thought it was her because he missed her, that he didn’t even remember the night properly – maybe that would make Y/N forgive him.    

 

He thought wrong.   

 

She was silent, then she gulped and shook her head, mumbling things under her breath that sounded suspiciously like “I knew this was going to happen,” but Michael chose to ignore it. Then he’d started to apologise because he saw the look in her eyes. He could literally see the walls that he’d worked so hard to break come back up, and that was the most terrifying that he had ever seen. He apologised and apologised and she told him to stop because she didn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who’d probably cheat on her again (and it hurt so much when she said that), then he got angry and started yelling and then she was yelling back and then.    

 

Then she left.   

 

She just grabbed her phone and keys and… left. Slamming the door behind her. Never turning back to give Michael a second glance.    

 

Michael tried to call her, text her, communicate with her, but nothing worked. She blocked his number, and Michael never saw Y/N again, no matter how much he wished each and every day after that one that he’d bump into her and maybe, just maybe, they’d get a second chance.    

 

(But even he knows deep down that it’s probably never going to happen because even he would never take someone back after they’ve cheated on him. Wishful thinking. It’s just wishful and unrealistic thinking.)   

 

It’s been a month. (Or, like, three weeks and four days, but who’s counting, right?) Michael has been a wreck, in the simplest of terms. He hasn't slept well, hasn’t eaten properly, hasn’t even been gaming. All he’s been doing is moping around and playing his guitar and writing sad songs that he intends to never show anyone else. His parents are worried, the boys are worried and he’s pretty sure even the fans have noticed how he’s looked like utter shit for the past month. He feels bad for worrying them, really he does, it’s just. He doesn’t think he’ll be okay anytime soon.    

 

He brought this upon himself and he knows that he doesn’t really have a right to be upset and mopey because of that, but he can’t help it because he’s in love with Y/N and she’s left him and he deserves it.

 

Michael leaves for a walk at midnight. Just needs some fresh air, away from any interaction with any other human being. He’s left his phone behind and he didn’t even bother bringing his iPod. That’s how much he wanted to be alone with his thoughts.    

 

Michael ends up thinking about Y/N – not like there’s any surprise there. He thinks about why he likes her, why he loves her. He loves Y/N because she’s smart, headstrong and independent. Y/N keeps him grounded, makes him feel better about himself when he wraps himself up in this bubble of “everyone hates me, everyone’s against me”. Y/N’s kind, and she is beautiful – she is so beautiful.   

 

His eyes land on a familiar figure then, sitting on the ground with knees bent and elbows propped up on them. Hair blowing in the wind and with the moonlight illuminating her face, he feels like his breath is being stripped away from him because she seems to have gotten more beautiful since he last saw her.    

 

Michael ends up joining her. Mirrors her position, not too near nor too far from where she’s sat. Y/N didn’t even look at him when he sat down. She just glanced at him and then went back to looking at whatever she was looking at.    

 

“C-can,” he starts, voice croaky and cracking hideously. He cringes slightly, cleaning his throat before trying again. “Can I ask you something?” Michael asks softly. It’s so soft that the only reason she hears him is because the silence enveloping them is so heavy, just like the tension between them.    

 

Y/N doesn’t say anything. Doesn’t turn to look at him at all. Just gives him the most minuscule nod.    

 

Michael swallows, looking at her and then turning back to face forward. “Do you… Do you think that I’ll ever get another chance?”   

 

Y/N’s quiet still. He sees her tongue poke out to run across her lips from the corner of his eyes, and she says a quiet, “No,” that breaks his heart all over again.    

 

He swallows thickly again, ducking his head the slightest bit. “I love you, you know? And I’m sorry. I'm really sorry. I – There’s nothing else I can say except for that I’m sorry and that I’ve spent every moment since… since that… hating myself and wishing I could turn back time to not…" sleep with someone else, he wants to say. But he can’t finish his sentence because saying it out loud makes him realise that Y/N really shouldn't take him back, but fuck. He really wishes that she would.    

 

"I’m stupid, and I don’t deserve you, but then for some reason, I got you to fall in love with me and I went and fucked it up and – ” Michael sighs, hands going up to tug at his hair. “I know I don’t deserve another chance because I fucked it all up by doing… that… but I’m asking. I’m asking –begging – for another chance, because you mean so much to me and I just, I love you so much, and I'm so sorry.”   

 

It’s silent for what feels like years then. It’s probably been only a minute, maybe a little less, or maybe even a little more.    

 

“I forgive you, Mikey,” Y/N says softly. “I do forgive you, but I’m not taking you back. There will never be an us again because I don't – I can’t,” she shakes her head, not finishing her sentence as she blows out a sigh.   

 

“You forgive me?” He asks softly, slight disbelief in his tone.    

 

She nods, “Yeah,” she mumbles. “Because I get it, yeah? I get that you’re a horny teenage boy surrounded by these beautiful girls, and you got too drunk till…” Y/N trails off, shaking her head lightly again. “But that doesn’t make it right. It’s not right, and I don’t want to be with someone who’s going to cheat on me. I forgive you, but we are not friends, and we will never get back together.”   

 

And her words are harsh but she says them so gently, and yet, he’s still wincing like Y/N had just shouted those whispered words to him. Because it’s like reality’s finally slapping him on the face telling him that he’s fucked up one of the two things that he’s ever done right in his life. At the end of the day, he always knew that there were only two things he was doing right – and that was being in the band with his boys, and being Y/N’s boyfriend. Now he’s left with one.    

 

Y/N gets up then, brushing off her jeans and then stuffing her hands into her pockets. “Goodbye, Michael.”   

 

“I love you,” Michael says, not looking at her. “And I know, I know that I deserve this. Because you’re the most amazing girl I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting, and I’ve never loved anyone as much as I love you, and you deserve someone who’s not a complete fuck up. But I love you, and I'll probably always love you even if it’s not the way I love you now, and I need you to know that,” he takes in a deep breath, turning his head to look at her. He’s looking at her back and her head’s just angled to the side, but she’s not fully looking at him. “You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me, Y/N.”   

 

She’s silent for a moment too long. Then Y/N’s turning so that she’s facing forward once more. “Goodbye, Mikey.”   

 

Michael sighs quietly, leaning his body back so that he’s laying down on the ground now. One of his hands go under his head while the other rests on his stomach, strumming mindlessly to a song that’s playing in his head.    

 
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