5SOS one shots (boys x Reader)


20. He wont give up

Smile. Laugh. Talk a lot. Smile more. Sprout out a giggle. Smile. 

Those are the thoughts running through Ashton’s mind, day in and day out. And it’s sad, because there never actually has been a proper time when he’s had to remind himself to smile. His life hadn’t been the easiest, but it hadn’t been the hardest so it was still easy for him to smile and be happy. 


And, like, he assumed that with how much the band has achieved and how far they've come, he would never have to tell himself to smile because people might see him and he doesn’t want them to see him not smiling.    


Before everything, before the band was even a band with him apart of it, his life was tough, but manageable. He’d had to grow up fast, take care of his younger siblings, gets jobs to help his mum with the bills and stuff. But he was still happy. He had his bad days, ones where he just wanted to be coddled and have his mum tell him that he didn’t need to be a grown up anymore and that he could act his age – like a teenager. Those days were the ones that he’d ended up bringing a blade to his wrist because he felt like he had no other choice and he wanted control and he wanted to do something stupid because all he’s ever done for basically his whole teenage life was be an adult when he was nowhere near to one.    


It was stupid, definitely, but he liked it. He revelled in the feeling of his skin being sliced open – welcomed the pain. He could’ve gone out and done other stupid things – like get a dumb tattoo, or maybe pierce his ears or his lip or nose, or something. But, like. He didn’t have the money to. The only stupid thing he could do was genuinely stupid and it was doing that to himself.    


Ashton’s stopped his habits, though. He stopped after he met and proper bonded with the boys. Though he knew that they cared for him and would gladly cuddle him and take care of him if he was ever feeling poorly, he’d already thought of himself as their older brother. Which meant that he was to take care of them, not the other way around. He stopped when he realised that he could let go of his pent up frustrations another way – through his drumming.    


But there were still some days where he felt so pathetic and useless and those days were the worst. Because it was in his nature, in his character, to hide behind a mask – behind that smile – so as to not worry anyone else. Those days were the days were he felt like he was drowning in the middle of the ocean and air couldn’t get into his lungs fast enough and he felt weighed down and that he was going to drown and die and he was okay with that.   


Then he met her. So normal but so not, at the same time. So beautiful, but so unaware of it. So perfect, but so imperfect, at the same time.   


It was like, once he’d met her, everything felt like maybe it would be okay. Maybe things would turn out okay again. Her smile was like a light shining through, and when he held her hand, it was like she was pulling him out of the ocean that had once engulfed him. And when he had his bad days and tried to shut Y/N out because he told himself that he didn't deserve her, she pushed through those walls. She kicked them down and made sure that they stayed down because she was determined to make him know that he wasn’t alone and that he didn’t have to pretend anymore.   


Then there were the days that were particularly bad, where he felt like he was falling once again – falling into his old habits. And Ashton would tell Y/N, don’t lean on me, don’t count on me, and she would ask why, and he would say I’m falling, please don’t fall with me. I'm drowning, please don’t drown with me.


“What can I do to help?” Y/N would ask, eyes sad and tone almost a plead.   


“Just hold me in your heart and let the ocean take me,” he would say with a little smile – a smile that would scare her because it was like he was saying goodbye and she didn’t like that at all.   


She would shake her head, tell him that he doesn’t have to go through whatever he’s going through by himself. She would tell him that she was going to pull him out of the ocean, would never let him drown because she loves him so much. And maybe she’d accidentally let the tears gathered in her eyes drop, and Ashton’s whole face would drop as he saw it. He would reach out, as though to wipe it away, then deciding against it as he uses his finger to trace the tear track it’s left behind.  


 "I made you cry,“ he’d whispered under his breath. "I made you sad.”   


Y/N would shake her head again, “You didn’t make me sad. I’m sad for you,” she’d say and really, it didn’t make sense but it did, at the same time.   


And it was then that Ashton decided that he would do whatever it took to pull himself out of this fucking state he’s got himself in. This state of constant sadness and wanting to hurt himself and sometimes to end his life. He’d fight it. He’d fight fatigue, he would fight it for her. For Y/N. Because she meant the world to him and he didn't want her sad, no matter if it was for him or because of him.    


He’s still weighed down and there’s too damn much resting on his shoulders, but he doesn’t care anymore. He’ll take it all. He won’t be weighed down again, he’ll fucking stand there instead, taking on everything that life’s throwing at him and he won’t break, he won’t drown, he won’t fall.    


For her. He won’t give up, for Y/N.  

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