The Veil

The unfortunate gift of insanity

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1. Rebirth

     It was a darker night, it seemed, than usual. The clouds hung across the stars like a shadow while the sinister things of the night crept from their lairs to prey on the innocent. I was a first year freshman leaving campus one night when I felt it. The familiar feeling of loneliness, but not from having been alone just these last few months; it was almost ominous. It felt as though there wasn’t another living soul for miles around. I knew it had finally caught up to me, it always did. Running for years from it in one way or another was the only thing I could do to keep it at bay, but now that I was alone in my life again, it had returned to claim what rightfully belonged to it.

     I felt the darkness before I saw it. This deepening in my soul that I knew could only be from the darkness. It was time. From somewhere nearby, a whisper came to my ears and I knew it was the evil speaking to me.

Do you know who I am? it said.

“Yes,” I returned. “You are that which feeds me. You are what fills me yet leaves me hollow. You are the emptiness that can only be called, The Veil.” I knew what it was. Part of me was afraid of it, but only a miniscule part. The part of me that wasn’t afraid of it was because I had made the Veil. I was its creator but it was the master.

You know what you have to do, it whispered again.

“If you want me to tell the world, then you must do something for me in return.” It was a condition I wasn’t sure it would honor but I figured I would try.

And what would that be? The whisper was thick with malice.

“Release me from this curse once your story is told.” I had spent years fighting with the darkness. Turning from one bad relationship to another just so the emptiness wouldn’t be there. After my last relationship ended, The Veil began to work its way back into my life. My muse, as it were, taunting me and teasing me, wanting me to renew our long lost love affair. Why did it have to return now, of all times? So here I was talking to the blackness that was only inside me, emerging from my charcoal heart.

Why would I do that? There is more than just the one story to tell. I had feared as much. It would use me and my life until I was nothing but an empty shell that it could play with as a puppet master with its creations.

    I began to walk toward my car when I caught the slightest movement from the corner of my eye off to my left near the main building of campus. Turning my head slightly to get a better look, there, in the corner where two building met, was a shadow. My muse, I thought. I closed my eyes suddenly, and hoped that what I had seen was not real. How could it be there? When I opened my eyes, the dark shadowy figure had gone.

      I wanted to be a writer twenty years ago, when I was just a teenager. A writer, an artist, and a creator of beautiful things, but the darkness came and ruined it all. Friends that I had had, family that I loved, all began to fear for me. They had read what I wrote and feared something terrible was happening to me. They were right, but in the wrong way. Their idea was that I was losing my connection to God, but it was the total opposite. I wanted God to save me, and I had prayed that He would, but He let this darkness take me. People in religions everywhere have said that faith is what God rewards, if your faith is strong, then the greater the rewards. I had had faith and God was no where around.

     It was shortly after I had left school and home for the first time that The Veil had given me a little room to grow and become more than I had been. Although a lot of my growing I had done was to its benefit, I enjoyed its absence from my life. At least I thought it was absent from me, it had only moved back into the shadows and dark recesses of my mind while I grew and changed for it. As the next year or so passed, I thought I had fallen in love. He proposed to me and soon we had married. I felt the shadow grow stronger as the man I had thought I loved beat on me and treat me like I was worthless. The darkness grew in me and I started to pour everything it fed me into what I wrote. Those around me began to read my work and praised my talent. It was the darkness, not me. As I lived with the nightmare that was my marriage, more and more I grew to hate the evil that poured into my words. 

     Soon a child was born of my marriage, but the evil grew from that. Stirred by my husband’s accusations of the child not being his. It was like gasoline being poured onto an open flame. It grew and grew and so my writings got darker and more disquieting. Over the next three years the child grew and then another was born. A relief to the husband that this child looked more like himself, happiness grew more prevalent in the home. The darkness shrank back from the light that filled my heart. For once I felt true happiness. I had a family of my own and we were happy, or so I thought.

     The years went by with our happiness always hanging in the balance. After thirteen years with him, something in him changed and he reverted back to the horrible man I had married. He was quick to anger, lashing out at the slightest things I said or did. Before he had a chance to hurt me again, I left him for another man. This one swept me off my feet, or so I had thought. He turned out to be just a better looking version of the nightmare I had thought myself free of. Two years with him and the darkness began to surface little by little. Always a slight headache, the feeling of something being not quite right with the world; it was the darkness.

     I left that man and returned home after a lifetime it seemed. Almost fifteen years of my life was spent free from the darkness. I had returned home to my parents, getting ready to get back to school when other men from my past had started to come around, wanting attention. So being lonely, I was up for a little companionship. The darkness had other plans for me. When one man would show his affection, as soon as he was gone, the darkness fed my doubts and fears, telling me how none of them really want to be with me. They are just using you, it whispered. It would be such a soft and almost inaudible whisper. They aren’t coming back. Again, it would be so quiet I almost couldn’t hear it, but I felt it.

     Now, with school in, the darkness is always lingering. In shadows, following me behind classmates in the hallways, just out of sight, it is always there. I have heard the whispers again, becoming clearer, day by day. Only in the last week has it really shown itself. Cruel moments that bring me to my knees in tears, sending a cold tremor throughout my soul, I felt the darkness come back, and I know exactly what happened to bring it.

     It was him, the one that really caught my eye that caused the whole mess. I liked him a lot, even from when we attended high school together. He was all I had ever wanted and he left me for another. It was because of him that I married my first husband. It was his fault entirely. After coming home, we met for the first time since our high school days. Still that attraction was there. We began to see each other almost every day or every other day just during the first couple of weeks after my return home. Then he started to drift away, little by little. He stopped calling me and then stopped sending messages to my cell phone. All of a sudden he stopped coming to see me as well. That was when The Veil’s whispers became louder.

You are weak and vulnerable without me and you know it, it whispered.

     I increased my pace to the empty lot before me. My car sat alone and solitary just like I felt right then.  As I approached the drivers’ door getting my keys out to unlock it I felt a cold chill graze across my neck and shoulders and slowly creep down my spine. If it could have gotten any darker it did right then. The lights in the parking lot dimmed and for a moment, just a fleeting moment, I felt the presence of the darkness as a living entity behind me. Quickly spinning around, I was relieved to see nothing there, but the lights stayed dim and the silence of the night, deafening.

I am everywhere and nowhere, in everything and in nothing. There is no escaping me. All these years you thought free of me, I gave you the relationships you were in to feed you, to build you up for what we must do together.

     Turning back to the car, I unlocked it and got in. I had to get home, even though I was alone, I felt safer at home. The doors and windows could be locked and I would feel safer and more secure. If it had been able to take a physical form to torment me then I would forever be damned.

 

It has been several days since that night. Rain has come and gone, the weather has gotten colder and my mood has become darker and more depressing than usual. I have isolated myself from everyone. No longer do I interact in my classes, doing just enough to keep my grades up, and no longer do I speak unless spoken to. Even then, my conversations have been short and cold. I have tried to push it back into the void from which it came but it will have none of it anymore. It has tasted freedom and will not be caged again. I say these things now because I want everyone who reads this to know, I haven’t lost my mind, I haven’t gone around the bend, I have merely chosen to give The Veil what it seeks:  ME. It has chosen me to fulfill something in its opinion to be of great importance to the world. It wants the world to know about it, to know that it isn’t just a feeling or a mental state. It is a real entity of some kind and it wants to live.

There is a darkness building inside of me. Fighting it off has become more and more difficult as time goes on. If there were a way to permanently rid myself of the darkness I would have a long, long time ago. My only thoughts right now are to embrace the darkness in me and let it inspire me as it once did. Many years ago the darkness was my muse, allowing me to put down what it was and how it felt. It lived through me in written form and now, it tries to live again. Pulling on my mind, weighing down my thoughts, the darkness is begging me to let it out once more. Here I vow to let the darkness live. To let it breathe fresh air and take in this new world that I live in, I give birth to this new darkness like a mother to a child. It is my child in a way, the darkness. It lives in me and feeds off of me like an embryo in the womb. Live, and you shall be a part of what we can do together. I owe my inspiration to you. Devoted only to the darkness, I will become what I should have so very long ago.

 

 

 

 

 

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