I had to get this out. If you want to add advice, I don't care. Thanks for reading, Willow.


1. My sad story

Have you ever watched someone look right at you and then at someone else. And you see them deciding in their brain who to go with, who to be with. And when they choose the other person something breaks inside of you so you have to turn away and walk, as far as possible, so they don’t see you cry. Then after that you ignore them. And you let them ignore you. And they look at you with their eyes and you can’t tell if their pleading to have you back or if they're wishing for you to go away. And they don’t talk to you, Just stare. And you know that they hate you yet you’re still nice to them. You help them when they need it. And when they complain about it and they say get away, you hand them their stuff and walk away and don’t turn back. Holding in the tears threatening to fall from your eyes. You used to be really good friends with them but you don’t understand what’s going on. Something happened that didn’t need to. It wasn’t your fault. They took it the wrong way. And now they won’t talk to you. And when you try to be nice they shrug you off. When you try to just talk, they stare at you like your mean. And then you give up at one point. And the tears all fall. And you let them. And you can’t stop them. They say your mean and make you cry. And they laugh, like all the people who make fun of you. And you don’t understand what you did, because they won’t tell you. So you sit. And you watch them fade away. Like everyone else. You become shut in, and you stop talking to people. And everyone asks you what’s wrong and you don’t tell them. You say nothing. You say you’re fine. Because if you didn’t they would tell someone, and you know if they do that those people will take it out on the one who did it. Yet for some reason, you protect that person. Even though that person broke you, even though you know they’ll never be your friend again. Because you can’t get rid of them. Because you still think of them. Everyday they go through your mind and you try to push them out, you tell them you hate them. But you can’t get that person out. So everytime you see them, you hold the tears at the brim of your eyes and tell yourself to hold on to what you can. You feel yourself crashing. And once you know that you can’t hang on anymore, you let go. And you cry till you can’t feel anything. So you stop. You curl up and wish you were dead. And you know that you could. But when you try that person pops up in your head and says, Don’t. I’m here. Don’t leave. But you push them out and you say don’t care. You’re not here. And then you stop and just walk outside. And climb a tree and feel everything fall down to the ground. And you stay up there for hours not wanting to come down. You see your problems on the ground and yell down to them, you can’t get me. You’ll never get me. But then your parents call you in for dinner, and you walk towards your house, and the problems grab onto you and hold on because they won’t ever leave. And after you go straight to your room and don’t come out till tomorrow. Because you can’t and you won’t. Unless you sneak out at night for a midnight snack, and so you can cry longer and harder. Or go out in the dark with a flashlight and climb the tree again. And hope the problems will come off. And they do, but you still cry. You come back down and hide in your room till morning. And then you get up and dress in all black. You get to school and see that person. They look at you and you turn away, hiding your tears once more. You get to your class and that person is there. You look at them and look away. You can feel them staring. But you ignore them. You become the happy smiling person everyone thinks you are. You bottle up your problems. You joke, you have fun and then you walk away from them. And you act fine. And you hold those tears at the edge of your eyes. You nonchalantly wipe them away. You go through the day acting fine, you cry at night. That girl you see, she’s the happiest person you know right? Always smiling, laughing. You never see her cry? Well I bet you didn’t know she cries at night. And wishes she was dead. Well that’s me. And no one will know. I’ll make sure of it.

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