Heartbreak is worth it.

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  • Published: 20 Oct 2016
  • Updated: 20 Oct 2016
  • Status: Complete
She felt broken and empty, and didn't want anyone to change that. She didn't want to trust anyone again, because no one is worth the heartache that follows the break up no matter how great the relationship once was. Unless maybe they are.

*Mention of Depression, not in detail*

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1. Heartbreak is worth it.

“Don’t you think it was easier when we were just friends?” He said as they were looking out across the cliffs. She knew it was coming, she’d known since that party, known their whole relationship really, she knew she was never good enough for him, at least that’s what she thought at the time.

“Well no, you’re still my friend,” tears started to form in her eyes, but she blinked them back, she had to at least try to remain strong, after all he constantly went on about how he had doubts about going out with her because he didn’t want to hurt her because he saw her as this weak thing. “If you’re breaking up with me then just get it over with.” She looked forward, avoiding making eye contact as he watched her, she thinks he’s worried about her, of the damage he has caused, but he isn’t, and she’ll realise that later.

“I am.” He reached for her hand and she let him take it. Putting on a strong front was hard, and she loved him, she trusted him to keep to his promises of things he wouldn’t do to her. He said he wouldn’t leave to be with someone else, and that was exactly what he was doing. He said he wouldn’t leave her and she trusted him because she thought he was worth it, she’ll realise he wasn’t, and then accept that he was.

 

“It’s my birthday and he’s spending the whole time messaging her,” she cries on to her friends’ shoulder. Her eighteenth birthday party and she’s crying because her ex-boyfriend is spending the whole night messaging the girl he left her for, but still won’t admit that she was the reason.

The worst thing about this was that she was actually happy for him. She was happy that he had found someone who makes him truly happy, happier than she had ever seen him, happier than she ever made him, as happy as she wanted to make him. Pathetic, here she was crying at her own party because her ex-boyfriend is taking the girl he left her for but is happy for him. If only her emotions would make up their mind and stick to one feeling.

Then she lifted her head, wiped off her tears and grabbed another drink. Then she felt numb.

 

A month after her birthday and her family made her go to the doctors. She hadn’t been herself, her concentration hadn’t been good in lectures, she hadn’t been eating, everyone was worried. After an hour with a doctor she came out with a lot of information about counselling and other options to help cope with depression.

 

Her friend decided to have a party the next month, they all drank, a lot. There were people there from one of her friends other groups, and everyone was getting along, thankfully. She had been drawn to one of the guys, something about him just made her smile and forget about her troubles, or that could have been the alcohol hitting her.

They stayed up the whole night taking, neither of them can really remember what they were talking about, but she does remember laughing a lot and that it was all his fault that neither of them got any sleep that night and that they wouldn’t stop talking. They had just laid there all night talking, it was the most relaxed and the happiest she had been in so long, and for that short time everything else in the world didn’t matter, it was just them and she was okay.

 

“Stayed up all night together then? When’s the date?” she got asked the next day, it was peoples main conversation point with her since it happened, all wanting to know what was next. All wanting her to move on from her break up, to start again, to be happy. They all noticed how much happier she was that night, it was hard not to, it was as if she had the weight of the world lifted from her shoulders. They’d also noticed how much happier she had been in general since talking to him every day following the party.

He hadn’t failed to always keep her in a good mood, and thinking about him she was getting little butterflies in her stomach, but they’d only last a few seconds before disappearing again like they were never there. She could feel it happening, slowly, but it was happening, he was breaking down the walls she had put up, he was making her feel emotions she had promised never to feel again, he was helping bring her back.

But she didn’t want a relationship, she partly knew that he was probably hoping for one, from stuff he had said it was obvious to her that there was something there, but she didn’t want it to happen again, she didn’t want to get left again. She wouldn’t let anyone hurt her again, wouldn’t let anyone else get close enough to her to be able to hurt her.

He text her every single day, they talked all day and night for 5 months. She had been put on antidepressants in this time and was starting to feel a lot more like her old self, but that wasn’t the tablets doing, it was him.

They had conversations that she never had with anyone else, about how she was feeling, about how bad her ex hurt her, about how awful he had been to her at points, he knew nearly all of it. They had conversations where she would laugh about for hours after. They had conversations where they helped each other.

She knew what was happening so she tried to push him away because no matter how much she wanted to give him a chance she knew she couldn’t, she couldn’t give someone the power to hurt her again. She pushed and pushed and pushed and he wouldn’t go. She would text him and be crying while telling him that they needed to stop talking, that she needed to leave him to protect both of them. She didn’t want him to break her heart, but she also didn’t want to be responsible for breaking his.

He wouldn’t leave. He stayed. Every single time she would try to push him away there he was arguing back, saying that he needed her, she wouldn’t leave if he needed her, she couldn’t. He wouldn’t leave and he wouldn’t let her leave. It annoyed her that he couldn’t see that she was bad for both of them, but that small part of her that she couldn’t get rid of was happy every time he stayed.

Then it happened, everything she had tried to avoid happened. She started to think he was worth it, she knew that he was worth it, she was just scared. She didn’t want to go through everything again, she couldn’t, she wouldn’t.

And as she thought more of her heartbreak , as she thought more about her last relationship not being worth everything after, she realised that without it none of this would have happened since.

She wouldn’t have kissed this guy.

She wouldn’t have seen that he was here to stay, that he wouldn’t leave.

She wouldn’t have realised that her perception of herself wasn’t right, and while she thought of herself awfully, she shouldn’t.

She wouldn’t have known what she was worth.

She wouldn’t have known he was worth it.

Heartbreak hurts, she learnt that quick. But she also learnt that every heartbreak was worth it, because they’ll prepare you for what’s next, and next is always so much better.

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