Truth behind closed doors

find out how Alec and Magnus came to terms with their real feelings. will everyone agree or will they be pushed away

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7. The Need to be Set Free

        I have never felt so rejected in my life than when Magnus slammed the door in my face. I can’t say he’s wrong. He’s anything but wrong. By the angel, why am I such a coward? I love Magnus, damnit. I love him so much, but I can’t openly admit it because it has never been heard of in the Clave. Not only is being gay a crime among shadowhunters, but fraternizing with downworlders is too. And, I’m technically doing both. Well, was doing both. I sigh in frustration and disappointment as I decide what to do. I know Izzy supports me, but I don’t know if I can do it. I know my parents will judge me. Although, I shouldn’t care what people think of me. Izzy’s words, ‘You need to set yourself free,’ came back to me as I sifted through my thoughts. I was currently sitting on a park bench in battery park. The weather was the perfect representation of my mood. The sun was hidden behind clouds, and I think there’s a storm brewing. Once again, perfectly representative of my life. If only I wasn’t such a coward. My whole life I’ve had to be courageous. I’ve had to be a warrior. I am a warrior. How is it that I can fight demons with no fear, but I can’t be completely honest to myself, my parents, and the warlock I have feelings for. Magnus doesn’t deserve this. I don’t deserve him. What was I thinking? I could just keep this little dirty secret my whole life? I deserve happiness too. Just because I’m not straight, doesn’t mean I don’t deserve happiness, or that I can’t be a shadowhunter. I’m a damn good shadowhunter and by the angel, I can be just as happy as a newly married shadowhunter couple. I’m sure Magnus and I could have that one day. Is that what I really want? Is that what he would want? So many questions with little answers. I sighed once again, but this time it is was from exasperation. I can’t put up with myself anymore. I need to do something, and it needs to be soon.

I pondered sitting in the park for a little longer, but I decided against it. I can’t continue moping around forever. I only wish that was an option. I have to set myself free, but I... What excuse do I actually have. I’ve seen Jace give up so much for Clary. He does anything just to see her happy, and she does the same for him. That’s real love. They have real love. I want to do that for Magnus...but how? I need to talk to Izzy. That’s what I have to do. Before I could stand up, I look up to see Izzy coming towards me. How’d she know where I was?

“Izzy?” I asked unsure I was actually seeing her. I was met by silence until she placed herself next to me on the bench and replied to my disbelief.

“Alec, did you not think I could find you. You’re my brother. I know where you come when you need to think.” She said putting her hands on her hips and raising an eyebrow. I sighed and hung my shoulders as she sat next to me.

“Iz I think I have finally messed everything up with Magnus.”

“What do you mean?”

“He wants me to tell everyone,  and I just stood there like a fool. He shut the door in my face, on us, Iz what did he expect from me?”

“No he didn’t, but he is right.”

“What?”

“You need to stop hiding how you feel and just accept it. Then, you can have your happily ever after.” I looked at her with a blank face. Maybe she’s right. It’s time I set myself free. Standing up, I walked back to the institute. I tried formulating a plan as to how I was going to tell my parents. Parents first then everyone else later. I was shaking by the time I reached the doors of the institute. Izzy managed to stay behind me the whole way. I’m so lucky to have her full support. I take a deep breath and open the doors, I’m ready to face my fear. All eyes are on me as I step through the threshold.

 

 

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