Broken but still Standing

My entry for the HeartBreak competition. It is based of The Fault In Our Stars by John Green. April Myers get diagnosed with clinical depression at the age of sixteen, while dealing this, she meets a boy at her local school, they hang out, and within a day, they become boyfriend and girlfriend. Not for long though...


1. Clinical depression

Hello my name is April Myers, this is my story, and always remember 'Falling down doesn't make you weak, it makes you human, it's getting back up again that makes you strong' - Im_Only_Human.

It's April 2015, pretty ironic huh? I sat in the hospitals for hours, nobody could diagnose why I was so sad, why I couldn't do what an 'average' human could, it took many doctors, many days, many hours. Until, of course, a doctor came to simple conclusion, Clinical Depression, that obviously, broke my mum and dads heart.The thing about Clinical Depression is that smallest things such as looks can cause fear, and self-harming. Something that is is really bad for an 'average' human is mentally shut-downing for me.

So this paragraph isn't sad, I woke up one morning cold, my brother was downstairs tearing up, mum was the worst though. My dad had gone, my mum woke up at 5:00am, cold too, she tried to be quiet so she didn't wake dad up, and there was nothing lying next to her. Just a wedding ring and papers for divorce, a note saying that he couldn't live with himself, not after me. He had taken our money too, left 5¢ in their sharing account.

Without money we couldn't afford rent so we moved to a one room apartment, me and my mum slept on the bed, John (my brother) sleep on the floor. It didn't take long before we had to move out of there either. We had to share a home with my nan and cousins. I had to share a room with seven people, when I tried to sleep, they'd play computer games all night. When I tried to rest, they'd sleep too, but they snored really loudly.

I couldn't go to school, I wasn't in the right mind for it, John did go however, but because of all this, he stayed away from everyone, sat at the back. This wasn't good for him, he got into trouble a lot. He even got suspended for a week. My nan sorted all this out, as my mum slept all day, got drunk all night, an our dad was nowhere to be found.

My nan became so angry, when ever John got in trouble, she'd hit him, hard, with her cane, leather belts and even blunt knives. She was the same too me, she blamed me, she said it was my fault that dad left, which was the reason mum lost all her money, why we moved here, why John got into so much trouble, all our problems came when I was diagnosed. 

My mum was in no state to, but she stopped drinking and we moved away, we moved in with our uncle and his wife it was better, me and John shared a room. It wasn't till one day when I saw him roll his sleeves up, there were cut marks, from his wrist to inner-elbow, new ones, freshly scabbed ones. There was one thing that was the same about them though, they were all done by John.

"What are these?" I yelled at him.

"Nothing" he retorted.

"What are these?, John" 

"Cuts, but before you say anything, you have clinical depression, over have bad depression, mine works differently, so before you judge me, just know this is my only way of getting through this"

"I, just, sorry for yelling'

"You should be, slut"

He walked out the door slamming it behind him, I waited for him to come back, waited and waited. I found a note on his bed adressed to me, I opened it and read it to myself.

'​Dear April,

Forgive me for this, today I am leaving, ending my self-pain, harm and sadness, don't come looking for me, I am looking for dad, but I can't tell you much.

Just one thing, I'm not coming back, if however my mission should fail, you will find me by the willow tree in the park opposite our old house.

These are my last words too you, I am sorry I couldn't say more, but that's your fault for walking in here just now.

Goodbye April,

I love you, John.

I sat in tears for hours, but everyday, I hoped, dreamed that he would come back home. He never did. My uncle didn't live far from the park, so I checked, I found him, but I wished I never did.

He lay motionless on the floor bleeding next to the weapon that killed him, a small hand gun, I called the cops, I called mum she didn't come,but the cops did, they came to the conclusion, my brother had taken his own life. This all started because of me, my illness caused dad to go, and dad  leaving caused all this pain, all because of me.


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