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1. Moving on

Middle school was never a strong part of my life. Parents divorced, craving my first boyfriend, craving my first kiss, craving just to feel someone's warmth. I wanted so badly to feel normal in my own skin but I just couldn't. My thoughts were horrible or so I thought. I crushed on boys and honestly, they weren't real, they were cover ups for my thoughts on girls. I knew all of my life I had liked girls, I just didn't get it cause I had no idea what homosexuality was or what bisexuality was. I just liked guys and girls. I managed to keep all of my thoughts in my head until a girl came, Madison. God, she was so beautiful. Her hair flowed with the wind, her eyes shined when she was happy and she had a cute nose. "Why?" I thought, "Why do I get butterflies around this girl?". My answer would soon come later in middle school. We had eventually become best friends and we even formed our own friend group. It consisted of me, Sasha, Lola, Carla, and Madison with the occasional visit from other people. We were the queens and we weren't afraid to be ourselves. Least they weren't. They always were talking about boys and dating and I just sat there wondering why I didn't have their life. I wanted to be like them so badly, I had even had a boyfriend over the summer. But I never was, I was so different and it sucked. Madison knew about the boyfriend and so did the rest of the group. Only Madison knew the details and why he and I broke up. She was there to comfort me. Eventually we became so close to where we would tell each other everything, I told her about my fear of my parents arguing all of the time, my worrying of moving one day and I even told her that I was super depressed with the whole divorce situation. She said "it will be ok Nia" and those words were comforting. All I wanted was to be happy and eventually things did clear up with my parents but I kept denying my feelings for Madison. I had the clear cut signs of loving her, and she knew all along that I had tendencies for girls, she just never bothered to ask. These feelings were so intense that I lost my best friend for a while, Carla. She felt she was being replaced as a best friend and the thought hurt the hell out of me because she could never be replaced. Even now the thought still hurts me because if I had just told her about my love for Madison, we would've never had our long fight which seemed to last forever. That time period really hit me that I was in love with Madison, I just couldn't say it, I was too afraid of what people would think and I hated myself for not being true about myself. Then on one weird morning, I thought her life and my life was in danger. Someone looked threatening near our school and I wanted her to be safe. I texted her "If anything happens, thank you for being such an amazing friend". Then I texted Carla, hoping our friendship would heal "I'm sorry for what I've done and I want to be friends again". She texted back "I forgive you" and I knew my life was back on track, or so I thought. I still had these feelings for Madison and it got to the point where I would leave just so no one would see me turn bright red. This period of not knowing lasted a long time, until a Friday night I will never forget. I had some luck because I was alone for once, I had headphones finally and I managed to get a texting app that was faster than my phone. It started off normal and simple. We talked about Macy's when she texted macs and we talked about some music, then we got into the deep convos I usually like to have with friends. I told her how I never want to leave town cause my friends are my ride and dies and I couldn't live without them. She then wanted to go even deeper and confessed that she was bisexual. I froze, my mind knew that she was gonna say that but I had been imagining if she would've said that and how I would've reacted. It was totally different in my mind. I then took some time to think. I wasn't gay, but I wasn't straight, so I finally took a deep breath and told her I was bisexual too. I then lost it. I cried for so long, I'm lying, I bawled for so long. I finally revealed my true self and my thoughts about girls. She was so relived when she saw I messaged her back because she thought I would've been disgusted by it. Why would someone think it's wrong to love someone? Love is love. And I was still in the state of loving her, just denying it. She got it out of me though. We talked back and fourth about the fears of being open and what people would think. She then goes to say "I love you, and I want to be your everything, and even though you may say no, we will just be best friends and I will tell you everything". Then I couldn't deny it. She had said she loved me and if I didn't say I loved her back, then that would be the dumbest thing ever, despite my fear of rejection. I loved her and there was no denying it. So I told her I loved her too and explained all of how we got to the point we were at. Then she asked me out and without a doubt, I said yes. God I felt so many butterflies. I finally was dating the girl of my dreams. We video chatted and we were both in a haze of "wow, I'm in love with you". I don't know if it was that my mind was spinning or that she was my girlfriend, but she looked even more beautiful that night than I had ever seen, even when she looked confused cause I had my microphone on the couch. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I just wanted to see her and go on a wild adventure with her. I wanted to say "screw the world" and I wanted to spend every moment loving her. Then I woke up, we hung out once and then we talked about kissing. I knew I wanted it but I was nervous of messing up. I didn't want to look stupid in front of her and I wanted to be perfect for her. She didn't mind, she eased me into it and it felt safe, warm, and fireworks. If there was any doubt about my love for her, there wasn't any at all at that point. My heart beat faster, my eyes got darker, everything was in sync with how I felt. Then a week later, I got the most devastating news. We were siting and she told me she just wanted to be friends. That left me so sad. I was angry, sad, mad, depressed, any sad or mad emotion. Mad for not being a good enough girlfriend and sad because I thought I would spend the rest of my life with her. She had said "I don't care what happens, I wanna be with you, and I love you". And she ended it all after a week. I had even left a gap open that maybe she wasn't ready or maybe she had to hide herself or maybe she just was in denial still. That was quickly closed when I found out she just used me to figure herself out. Lola told me when she found out about the relationship and asked Madison. Months of therapy, depression on top of my parents splitting depression, never leaving my bed, softball being ruined, almost loosing my best friend, all of that was for a girl who never even loved me. For the longest time, I was mad at her. She told me she loved me. It wasn't the fact that she didn't love me, it was the fact that she convinced me that she was in love with me. God how much I loved her. I loved her with everything and I was broken for almost three years. I didn't even look at other girls or guys cause part of me wasn't over Madison. Even with Carla's support and support from Sasha and Lola, I wasn't ready to date again, I didn't look at anyone else, I never even thought I would love again. Then all hopes came back, I met the most beautiful girl in the world and it was over a stupid pun I made about iggy azalea. It was in a way love at first sight. It was scary though, she was Becky who was funny and smart and beautiful, and she didn't have a dark side of her at all. It all didn't hit me until I one day hugged her after months of not seeing her. She was the only one that ever cared and was genuinely excited to see me, it was evident when she ran to me, jumped on my shoulders and hugged me so tight that I thought my arms were gonna fall off. I felt her heart beat, smelt her hair and didn't even open my eyes, I knew it was her. That hug was warm, safe and amazing. I never thought I would feel that ever again. The rabbit hole was filled and Becky pulled me out. She is the love of my life. Even if we never end up together, I know I will love again. Despite what Madison put me through, I will always be thankful for her since she was the first person I came out to. And no matter what, on some level I'm always gonna love her. She was my first love, and I'll never forget that.

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