Hey.I am just a guy! Now I'm in highschool.In my life from past to now I've been rejected from everyone.when I was a kid I thought lonely means nobody's home but now I realized it means you have no one who loves you and no one to love.recently I met a girl in my guitar class. before that I saw her in our first show.it was downstairs of where we have class.
She was third one who play.since there I was interested in her.but now I had a couple of class with her and I fell in love in her.Einstein said: you can't blame gravity for fell in love.
Everyone in this world has laughed at me.
I am a very fat and pain in the ear guy who always has been rejected from everyone.
And because of that I don't dare to say her I love you.I have her instagram and telegram id.I chat her a lot but none love topic.always I check my phone maybe she texted me or when she's online I think how to start now and what do i suppose to say to start conversation?
I love her so much like a drowning man who loves air.but it's a dream for me to go out with that kind of girl.girls like brave boys with self-confidence.
And unfortunately I lost my self-confidence option cos I've been joked front of everyone and I bearing lots of bad words everyday and because of that I lost my pride and self-respect.if i could be anything in world I would be her tears.I could born in her eyes, move and live through her cheeks and die on her lips.sometimes I dream a beautiful day
And I would laugh and play with her like noah and allison in notebook movie.but unfortunately I just like charlie in the perks of being a wallflower but with a little difference:charlie has a chance to kiss sam two times and go out with her even every day as a friend.
But I even can’t go out with her.
Her name is sara borned in 31th july.oh boy, you have no idea how hard is to force myself to stop thinking about her.I just have a couple of classes and after that I’ll never see her again.
So this was my first love story but my weird problems are not finished yet!
I am a crazy boy.like real crazy I mean I’m insane.because there is to much fight in my familly and they don’t talk with me,they don’t espend time with me.because of that I talk to much and alienate everyone from myself.I love singing but I have a terrible voice.I bet when you hear my voice your ears will bleeding!
I am a coffee geek.I mean I love everything about coffee.I think I drink about 4 or 5 cups of coffee everyday.I love movies and tv shows.I love music.and I’m photographing and I love it.
With all love thing,being foolish in school,problems in family and other stuff still I’m not hopeless and I will continue my way to success and the first fetter in my way is this peace of shit. I mean my fat thing problem.most of the self-confidence less and prideless is my overweight problem. Now I’m in a diet and hopefully I will lose weight.most important element in this way is patience.second fetter is my act in public.I have to learn how to be serious sometimes and don’t always open my mouth and laugh for nothing because it’s make me small.
I have too many goals.
First I'm gonna buy off-road car after age eighteen.second travel all around my country.
After that maybe age forty travel around the world and take a picture from them.yes I care about science, too.I programed to to be a kind of nerd in high school to get good score to go to my favorite university and study my favorite subject.third be a physicist! But why? I don't know yet!!
And in the middle of this complicated plans
I'm gonna get married.I wish she would be a good woman.by the way one of my most funniest and fancy dreams I want to have all coffee accessories for a coffee geek.like a bad ass espresso machine and cool grinder and breathtaking home coffee rouster.
I think now you think you know what the hell is going in my head but I've got to tell you are wrong!!
Come with me to see what is in my weird full of mystery head. I feel like a narrator in cartoons.it's
Funny.I'm just kidding.please use your seatbelt and keep reading because we're gonna have a cliffhanger story or maybe not.ha ha.
I like to be a computer geek,too.I mean I want to learn programming and linux and finally become a hacker.but my biggest fetter in my way is the love thing.maybe you ask why?I'll tell you.I used to learn a little bit of programming every day or read my favorite book.recently I bought to kill a mockingbird.I know it's great but all my mind spaces is full of think about sara.this is a kind of inaccessible dream for me.It's like you have a dream of a chocolate house.is it possible?no it's not but hopefully it's not hurts.but mine has.the pain that make you crazy.the last sentence reminds me the “too much love will kill you” song from queen.sorry let's back to our topic.so I love her and I can't have her.but the problem is how to forget how to throw it away from my head.is 02:46AM 7th September and I'm seeing her pictures.yes I've collected about 20 pics from her and I see them every night before I sleep.lets change topic.
Recently I got new Hobby.it's iridium satellite flares observing.it's interesting but for maximum ten times and after that it will be warmed-over.I play classic guitar but I'm freshman.sometimes I mix Adel musics on guitar rhythms.but I told you I have a terrible voice so I'm not doing it everyday because I don't want to bite by throwing shouse.
Now 19:50 7th September And exactly it's been 18 hours and one minute from her last online and I'm worry.today I cheked her status 23 Times and still last online was 01:51.
So today I woke up at 12:34 and had lunch in 12:50 and it was kind of meatballs.afternoon my mom went out and I was alone for about two hours.I stretched my body on the couch and just switched channels.always I'm tired and I don't know the reason of this annoying dizzy.
It's 12:37 8th September and I'm in guitar class break and I'm really sad cos I haven't seen her from two weeks ago.now she is in Turkey and doing well.I'm sure she doesn't think about me at all but I want her happy.she is happy there and I'm alone and sad here.my body is in the class but my heart and mind isn't hear.I have pain in my heart.the pain of love.
What do I suppose to say?
I feel bad.very bad.awful.
There is no word to describe my feelings.now it's 12:43 and I don't hear my area sound.
I'm looking to the floor and I'm seeing just four pair of shoes moving up and down and I just can't stop thinking about her.what is wrong with we? Have you ever afraid and have some kind of pain in your heart.exactly I have that pain when I think about her.really my heart is pain and I can't breathe well and I'm running out of breath.I know it isn't sim like love story.it's like a story of failure man.
It's 15th September.sara after class asked me why are you text me a lot and why are you looking at me that way?
My cage was broke and I said because I love you.I can't live without you.suddenly she kissed my cheeks !and she said me too and I was afraid to tell you.
Sorry I was dreaming again.it's like fantasy
I just said my situation to my friend and he said tell her face to face that you love her.
He said you have to option or she will say ok
Or maybe she will say no.I know all this stuff but I'm afraid of telling that words.I can't even send her a message that I love her.telling her face to face? Not an option.
Oh boy.it's been 15 days I haven't seen her.I missed her smiles and gorgeous face.
Do you ever think what a great friendship do these shoes have?
If one of them would lost another one is doomed to vagrancy.
Every Time I got hurt.I laughed.and the people thought
I'm ok so they hit me heavier to the ground.this was my mistake.
Now I just think she has no feeling of me even as a friend.I'm not even deserve to die.I don't worth to live on earth.now I'm heart broken.
I'm sad.I'm mad.I regret.I failed my mission.
I'm truly love her.what can I do.I have to sit and see her happy with another guy.I feel like a clown who has to play funniest act on circus to make money for his mother funeral.or I feel like a clown who sees his love and his love’s lover laughing at him.fuck this life.fuck this world.
Sorry I wasn't feel good these days.I couldn't
Write.but now.from right now I want to be someone else.I want to be something else.yeah it's familiar to you.yep I know it's from the green arrow tv show.but I mean it.90 percent
Of my friends are fake.it mean they are not real friend they just act of being friend.
I want to be so bad to banish everyone and just a few guys will survive.and they are real friend.few days ago I talked to sara about a book.and yesterday I bought that book for her
And I want to give it to her as a gift.I'll do it tomorrow after class.last night in the middle of our chat. She said I don't feel fine and she said goodbye. You can't imagine how bad was me that moment. I worried about her. After 2 hours I texted her “are you fine
You said I'm not good and I got worried”
She said don't worry I'm fine.
Sara has a channel in telegram. In 5:55 am
She post something. She said I want to change and I just know my friends are enemy. She said I want to change my life. After read that stuff
I feel bad. Very bad. Cause she said few people make me to do that. Now I think maybe I'm one that people. She is sad. So I'm sad too.
Every time I talk to her I feel like I'm the most happiest boy in the world.
Every time I dreaming of being with her. I smile and feel good. It's been two nights I dream her in my sleep. And it's really sweet.
Its funny. Now it's been 1960 words I wrote.
And all it's because of her. Maybe she make me a writer. Who knows?
Oh this fucking headache again. I have to take some coffee.
After many years this is first time i cry.
I'm feel very bad. In a dark room in a midnight
I'm crying to love. I just talked to her.
She has no feeling of me and maybe she hates me a little. Now I know she has a boyfriend.
But she lied I know. She isn't good at lying.
Or she told me the truth but I don't think so.
But this lie has a message to me. It's mean I lie to you because I don't like you and I don't want to be with you. Oh gosh I'm crying and that's embarrassing.
I think I can't chat her anymore cause she showed me the red light.
I think she is sorry but mean to I just wanted to tell her my feelings. Just it. I don't care about she become my girlfriend or not. I don't care because I know it's not gonna happen.
I just told her round about. But she got mad at me and she was cold in class. You can't denied me but we can still be friends.
What a mad and bad world. People blame you
Because you tell your feelings. I said my feelings just because I wanted to release myself from this painful cage. I don't expect her to have same feelings. So what is the reason to get mad?
I'm crashing on her. But I want her happy but what about me?
Today in class I couldn't give her my gift.
I wanted to put it in her guitar case but I didn't know which one is sara’s. I have prepared a gift 3 weeks ago and I couldn't give her yet. I wanted to give that as a pology. I think now she is mad at me. Very mad. Because I talk to her about my love but I didn't tell her the name. I told her I'm in love with a girl and I want some advice. I think she understood the girl is her and because of that she lied to me. I wish the time would back to normal. I don't want nothing accept her smile. When I saw her sad today I got sad too. I wish I would never talk to her at all. Just dreams and dreaming myself until become a crazy stupid boy. She is mad Because this time she didn't look me at all even one time. She didn't even say hey,too.
But seeing her is a hope for me. I think this is my fault cause I can't talk to girls in a good way and I made her far away from myself. I want her snub act. Now I know I wish have this behavior but don't get off. She isn't answer me anymore but I understand. I think she is kind because she could block me and could say me bad words and crash my heart much more bad. Than now.
I have to talk to her and I have to lie to her about my love. I have to say she isn't you and I just wanted to get some advice. And don't be mad and sad. I have to see her next week and I don't want to make a bad situation. I was disturbed and she was disturbed last lesson.
Shit how complicate is this story. I said my words. I told her I didn't mean you. She said I'm not fine and this not about your words.
But still I think she lied about boyfriend to tell me I don't want to be in a relationship I know but I wanted to tell her my feelings just it.
This is first mission as present. I'm confused I'm sure you are more that I. There is a thing
I don't write my story continual and sometimes I add sentences in the middle of story. And it's the reason of this mussy story.
I have four choices now.
1.don't afraid of death
2.try to do that (this is the tough one)
3.live as a loser fo my rest of my life
4.wait a few days maybe she forgive me and I could talk to her as a friend.
I afraid of death to much.
I'm gonna try to have her as I can. But
If I didn't success I have to live as a loser
Until she would be removed from memory
But I don't think this would happen.
I'm such a stupid. I am that annoying boy who talk a lot. What is my fault? I just want to talk to her. I'm cold. She could warm me with her voice and beautiful smile. She's know something
But not all of of it. She's smart she said leave her and block her and she said for example I think of my boyfriend to calm down. She is lying she said that to get free of me.
I wish she would gave me a chance. A chance to prove myself to show her I'm not a horny boy who want to be with hot girls. I never think about her in a bad way. I really love her in a good way.
Oh I'm insane. My parents even don't like me to much as a son. And I expect she would like me? It's funny I'm laughing to it. But wait it sad cause I don't know why I'm a hateable
Boy. From 100 people around me I got maximum 5 people real and rest of them are fake they are wolfs. I said my situation to a friend of mine after a week he said leave her. Maybe next one! What a bulshit. Next one?? Is this a game? I fell in love man. As he said there is lots of hot girls out there but he don't know what is love. Yeah I see many people every day
Such as hot girls or such as old men. Maybe I would look that girls for a while but not fall in love. Now I'm cold. Colder than ever. I can barely laugh. Why she doing that? I mean I don't ask her out. I don't say anything bad to her. I just told my feelings. Why she got mad?
Why she flew into a rage?? As I said to her she is double-faced because in her channel she said: I have my own dictionary. She said if I send you yellow heart shape in means I'm cold from you if I send green heart it means I'm sad of you or your action and if I send purple heart it means I'm happy to talk with you and red or blue heart means I love you from my deep heart. She sent me blue heart one time!
I don't say she have to love me or she have to send me yellow heart I say her words and her acts are not match. I have to believe you act or believe you blue heart.
I don't know what is the most repeated word is this story? Is it don't or can't or her. They all showing me my weakness points. But it's a question?
Which one is the original reason of my weakness
Her or me?
I can't answer it yet.
Oh shit. I hate this situation when some respect to you and abide you. If someone doesn't like me so ok tell me. I promise I wouldn't get sad. But don't abide me and say something behind me.
Now I think I want someone read my story
Maybe I tell her to read this. My love would know what happening. And after this I think
She would never answer me at all.
My live has a love. She doesn't like me and I don't like him. She can't have her love. I can't have my love. He never think about her. And she never think about me. What just happened?
Oh gosh. I just saw two movies in a raw and really I’m telling the truth I could not stop thinking about her. Is she a witch? She spelled me.
I really want to know what is my problem? What should I do to be not Ignor?
She don’t like to chat with me. But she is kind and act politely because every time I chat her She said I’m not good and I’m not in a mood. But actually she doesn’t want to chat with me. Let me tell you something. I’ve never written a story this much I just wrote some short story and definitely without love subject. And all this stuff is because of sara.
The love subject!! The whole story. If I couldn't success adlist I have a good story that I wrote it. Don’t get wrong I think this story is good. Maybe you won’t like it.
Really I don’t know what I’ve seen in her? What ever is that it’s make me crazy lover.
I don’t know she’s smiles or kindly and artistic and clever I do not know.
She is a killing package. You know I am a really metalhead guy. But it’s been a couple of weeks I don’t listen metal. I just listen mellow and sad and love songs. Every time I listen them I would think a lot. Rolling in the deep. Unlike adel I have to set rain to the fire
I mean the fire of the love that’s killing me right now.
Every night in my dreams I see her I feel her. That is how I know her go on.
These days music was the only thing that made me calm a little. Music is a big part of my life. I laughed with it. I cried with it. I did important things with it.
Recently I draw one of her photos. I'm not a good drawer but it look like to that photo.
In my dreams sometimes I see she ask me a question: if me and your parents were in a danger. Who do you save? And always after this I was shutting up. Really how about you?
You would save you love or dad or mon or little sister this is that kind of questions you can’t answer to. Writers are so hard-worker I wrote my life story and it’s just 8 pages.
Come on!! It’s been a year for me. If I do this writing things for months or years it will be a large and tough book ! if I could publish it. Now i’m really feel like charlie in a perks of being wallflower. He was in love and he was write his story. I’m going crazy.
Oh boy. She thinks i’m exaggerating about my love. But it’s true more than a love between her and I don’t know who but more than like that cause she give up. I’m not giving up
I know I have a tiny little chance but I never give up.
I wrote a song about her. I made a gallery of her. Oh David. Your lyric works here.
I can't win. I can't reign
I will never win this game
Without you. Without you.
sara is gone now. What a beautiful name. Ha ha maybe I would name my child sara. That's really funny I've got crazy. And I'm broken behind the scene. Now my story is finished. This is my last sentences. Because I have nothing to say about anything . I wish I could just tell her my feelings face to face. it's enough for me.
This is 2:36 am 15th September and I'm done.
Her name is “sara noruzhaghi” born in July at 2001 my first and real love. I wish she hear this:
“Sara I will always love you”
I'm “Hamed Moasheri” born in August at 2001
I won't seat and see. I have a goal and I want to move that way to success.
Actually I don't want to stop writing I have too many words to talk about her. But why? Who cares for me? I have to stop. I never thought it would be sad story. But this is my way. I don't know why I wrote this stuff in english maybe it's better to describe my feelings. Sorry I've got to go I have too many things to do. First one is save myself!!!