I am alive, but still in hell,
I am hurting, but even more so, waiting to hear heaven’s bell,
I know I must stay but it hurts me to see,
That everyone in the family is praying for me,
I know I must get through this time of hurt,
But, right now it feels like my soul is being burnt,
I know it’s hard to get through to this,
when midnight strikes and it feels like the Devil’s kiss,
This journey called life is a long narrowing road,
Sometimes I don’t know if my heart is stone or gold,
The precious times I didn’t value with dad,
The times I was good, the times I was really bad,
I regret all the times I didn’t say “I Love You,”
and now I’m crying in bed and you hear “boo hoo,”
Of all the times I remember, he was really nice,
When I think of him I feel my heart turning into ice,
The way I treated him was really bad,
I wish I would’ve been thankful for all I had.
My Grandma Darlene, so forgiving, so sweet,
Every night, I would feel her kisses on my cheek,
Now she’s gone and gone forever,
until I see her again happier in heaven,
I wish I could cuddle with her, watch movies with her more,
but right now she is inside of heaven’s doors,
I don’t know where I am emotionally at times,
The devil is distracting me, locking me in the darkest prison of made of shriveling grape vines,
He’s trying to blind me, but I see,
I need to live this life and act free as a bee,
I miss the hugs and kisses, so warm and filled with love,
It felt like I was on the wings of a mourning dove.
Nicholas, I love you, my older brother,
Never leave me, or else I will suffer,
I want you to know you are the rest of my heart,
If you pass away, you might as well shoot me with a poison dart,
I love your teasing, the munchkin, rugrat, turkey, shrimp, and all that,
I love you Nicholas, my older brat.
I don’t know about everyone else, but I am a wreck,
Everytime I hear or think dad and grandma’s name it sends sad chills down my neck.
My mother makes it no better,
I always tend to shed tears on her letters,
My mother treats me like crap,
I sit in the dark, read her texts which line up and repeat like a rap,
Everyone tells me, “Ignore her and you’ll be fine.”
Everyone acts like she’s not a mother, and definitely not mine.
I agree with them for they are the ones that gave me everything I have to sleep with in my bed.
I love my mother but she can be a pain, Most of the time knocking in my head.
My mother enjoys to play mind games with me
whether they be about cancer, death, or surgery.
I always turn out in the end of the conversation being a mess.
I don’t know if you see this but if you do,
just know I really really trust you.
Whoever you are, wherever you may be,
I trust you with everything and that might be easy to see.