This is my personal journal. I don't really care if you read it or not. I rated it Red just because it's personal, and who knows what I'll write about. A lot of it will most likely NOT be explicit, but the rating gives it more of "shield."


5. 9-21-16

This is going to be a tougher entry for me to write....Given it's going to be about something only two other people that are close to me know about....If people react badly to this, then I'll just delete the entry and pretend it never happened....Here goes nothing, I guess...

I'll just come right out and say it: I'm in a polyamorous relationship. If you don't know, polyamory is basically where 3 or more people are all in a relationship. It's all consensual and everyone knows each other. It's like a complicated, clusterfuck of relationship. That's the best way I could describe it....Anyways, polyamorous relationships require a lot of trust and communication. I thought things were going fine between my girlfriend, boyfriend, and I since we all converse with each other in a group chat on Kik. Until last night...

I noticed my girlfriend was texting, as per usual. I leaned closer just to see who she was talking to, and noticed that it was our boyfriend. However, she held her screen closer to her chest as I looked, as if hiding something from me.

People who know me well know that I hate secrets. I hate not knowing what people are thinking, or what they're saying if they're making it clear that they don't want me to know. Maybe it's an insecurity-- I don't know, and I don't care. I do know that it's one of my major pet peeves, though. And seeing my girlfriend hide her screen from me after noticing who she was talking to made me very suspicious.

I asked her what they were talking about, and she just shrugged. I jokingly said, "Are you two having cyber sex?" We laughed, and then I asked her what they were really talking about. She told me that I just said it. I. Nearly. Fucking. Choked.

Let me add in some more clarification.

My boyfriend and I are both really sexual and flirtatious people, but our girlfriend isn't. Sure, she'll make a few sexual jokes here and there, but she has confided in me that when it comes to sexual activity, she gets really nervous and even scared. And lately, she hasn't made any physical contact with me. She hasn't kissed me much, she barely hugs me, and we don't even cuddle anymore. Finding out that she was doing the exact opposite of what she told me and what she HASN'T been doing with me was a huge shock to me.

So anyways, I messaged our boyfriend about it. He started apologizing and told me that they could stop. I told him I wasn't upset with what they were doing (so much), but more angered by the fact that they had kept it a secret from me-- for TWO days. The fact that they failed to communicate with me, and that they didn't trust me with the information, hurt me and I'm beyond pissed off.

This morning at school, after I got my breakfast, I hung out in the back of the school. I usually go there when I'm upset and want to get away from people while I'm at school (and I'm not in class). Usually, however, I'm near the front of the school where I wait for my boyfriend. Given that I'm upset with both of my partners today, I figured I'd make him look for me this time. But, he didn't. After I finished my breakfast, I headed to the front of the school, and saw him there casually talking to his friends as if nothing was wrong. That angered me even more. I got closer to him, threw my plum at him (and missed, sadly), and yelled at him for not caring to look for where I was after I was obviously missing from my usual hang out, then slapped him and stormed away. He still didn't try to talk to me....

So, I have a girlfriend who lied to me and did what she told me she's uncomfortable with doing behind my back, and a boyfriend who doesn't care if I'm around or not. I think I made a huge mistake...I'm thinking about going back to my ex....but I wasn't even happy in my relationship with him...

I don't even know what to do anymore. I just feel so hurt, betrayed, angry, confused, and unwanted....

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