This is my personal journal. I don't really care if you read it or not. I rated it Red just because it's personal, and who knows what I'll write about. A lot of it will most likely NOT be explicit, but the rating gives it more of "shield."


1. 9-13-16

I've felt nothing but dread lately.

I'm living with a friend for now due to some issues with my family. I've talked to a couple of my teachers at school. One of them gave me moral support, and the other helped me get things (like clothes and toiletries) that I needed. My friend's family has also been very kind and helpful to me.

Yet, I still feel depressed...Which is normal, I guess. I'm undergoing a lot of stress from life and school combined, so my depression isn't so sudden. It's still not fun, though, of course...

I often find myself blaming myself for things, and choking back tears. I feel incredibly vulnerable, but I'm also very strong-willed. Instead of allowing people to see me cry, I'd rather let people see my rage...Which might not be the best thing, but...oh well.

Yesterday, someone pissed me off. She came up to my boyfriend and showed him a series of text messages on her phone. I don't know who, but she was talking to someone about him. And she had the audacity to show him these hurtful things the two of them were saying about him. I was able to catch most of what was said. What I did catch was enough to send me into fury. I wanted to yell at her and tell her to leave him alone...but my boyfriend didn't want me to start anything. So I didn't.

However, that night on Kik, I told him that I would say something if she got near him or tried to talk to him this morning. She did, and I kept to my word. She was testing my anger...And I nearly got to my feet and beat her. But I knew getting into a fist fight was irrational, and I noticed that mine and that girl's verbal attacks were already stressing my boyfriend out enough. So I didn't do anything. But, oh how I wish I had...

Now whenever I see, hear, or if I'm in the same proximity as her, I feel nothing but rage and hatred. I can't even look at her without wanting to do something violent...

I know have anger issues. I wish I could do something about it, but...I don't know what to do. And I feel like I don't have all the right resources to handle my anger... Deep breaths and escapism are the only things that seem to work for me. But escaping problems is never a healthy thing to do..


Lunch wasn't all that bad. My day had gotten a bit better by then. Although, that girl tried to take a picture of me...I was very unhappy about that. I tend to bring up legality with people I don't like, and I told her she doesn't have consent to have my picture and that it's illegal to take it and keep it without me allowing her to do so. She ended up not taking the picture of me...hopefully. Instead she took one of my boyfriend, and then a few of her other friends. Maybe I'm overthinking it, but she could have been trying to take my picture to send to a friend of hers so they can...I don't know, track me down and beat the living shit out of me, I guess? I have trust issues (among other things as well), so I'm always on edge about what everyone is doing around me. I always hate not knowing what people are thinking, too...That's why if I could, I'd have the power to read people's minds. ...Wow, that was really random and off subject (sort of). Whatever. My day got a tad bit better, and that's what matters. ^.^

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