Don't say you love me

What happens when you fall in love with someone over the internet and he turns out to be the complete opposite of what he made you believe? When kisses and hugs turns to bruises and pain? When sweet nicknames turns to hurtful lies. When unconditionally love and trust gets tossed aside and replaced with toxic betrays.
"Don't say you love me"


6. All alone

I woke up the next morning feeling conflicted. After my phone call with Justin the other night I had cried myself to sleep. My feelings was all over the place, I couldn't contain them. It was a lot of things I had never felt before. The fact that it was Justin I had been talking to broke my heart. The guy I talked to was sensitive, loving, caring and Justin was not. He was an ass, an idiot, an insecure little prick. I didn't understand that he could be real, I always thought that he was  incapable of loving. It was so hard to make that decision yesterday. I wanted to get to know the guy I talked to but I wanted to spit on Justin. It's a shame they where the same person. I promised him I would give him a chance but waking up made it clear how much I regretted it.


I got up and got dressed. I wasn't trying to empress Justin so I just wore some jeans and a white t shirt. I did my makeup like I always did it and gathered my brown hair up in a ponytail. With a sigh I left my room and went down stairs, and not to long after that I found myself walking towards Justin's house. I couldn't believe what I was doing. That direction of the street was something I had always tried to avoid but now I was going towards it. When I arrived at Justin's house I stopped. Panic spread in my body and I tried to breathe through it. What was I doing? I didn't want this. What if it was a trap? What if all of his friends where there. What if he was trying to break more than my heart? What if...


A couple of minutes went by and I was standing in front of his door. Though my attempts to try and talk some sense into myself, I knocked. It didn't take long before Justin opened.


"Hey" he smiled at me. I didn't know what to say. Every time I saw him I felt scared. I was waiting and expecting the worst.


"You're not gonna talk to me?" He asked me and raised an eyebrow. I shrugged.


"I don't know what to say" I told him. He stepped aside and made a gesture with his hands.


"Come in" was the words that followed. I took one last look around outside and noticed a car.


"Are your parents home?" I asked him before I stepped inside. He looked at the car and closed the door.


"My mom, you won't notice her" he told me and leaned against the doorframe. I bend down and untied my shoes. His gaze was burning in my neck. What was he looking at? I stood up when I was done and looked at him.


"We have the same taste" he said and pointed at our clothes. He was also wearing jeans and a white t shirt. I smiled a half hearted smile.


"Yeah I guess so" I said and put my hands in my back pockets.


"What do you want to do today?" He asked me.


"You wanted me to get to know you so you tell me" I told him. It was so uncomfortable. This wasn't a guy I wanted to spend time with. He was trouble.


"I'll show you my room, follow me" he told me and turned around. He went upstairs and I followed him. It was a big house, beautiful. White and open. You could tell his parents had money. Of course they did, he was a spoiled little brat. The furniture looked so expensive, it made me feel like touching it would make it break. He opened a white door and walked inside.


"This is my room" he told me as I I entered the room. It was big. The walls were white there too, and in the middle of the room was a  huge bed. In front of the bed on the wall was a big tv. I looked at the doorframe, there was numbers and lines along the frame. It took me a while to realize that it was Justin's growth during the years. I traced my fingers over the black marks. Age one, age two, age three, four, five, six and then nothing. I looked over at Justin who was studying me.


"Why does it stop at six?" I asked him. It was a weird age to stop keeping track.


"My dad left us" he told me. I suddenly felt utterly uncomfortable. Like I touched a sensitive subject without permission. Maybe that's why he was such an ass. But then again, my dad left me too and I wasn't an ass.


"Why?" Was everything I could come up with.


"He didn't love me" he told me and tilted his head. I turned uncomfortably and looked around to find somewhere to go. When I didn't I leaned against the wall.


"I'm sorry" I told him. He was watching me closely, making me feel like an alien.


"How about we wait a bit? We don't have to go in on that right away?" He asked me.


"Thank you" I said with gratitude. I didn't know what to say to him about that. He nodded.


"I can imagine you must have some questions for me? Just ask them, don't be shy. I can take it" he told me. It was true, I had a lot of questions for him. None of them was exactly nice.


"Why are you such a d**k?" I asked him. He gave away a little laugh.


"Okey, right on" he said and made a gesture for me to sit down next to him on the bed. I looked around and found a chair that looked much more appealing to me. I sat down.


"First of all, I truly am sorry for everything that I've done. I know I didn't have any right to do that to you" he told me and I nodded.


"Yeah you're right, you didn't. Not you or anyone of your idiots of friends" I told him.


"No, no one had. And I have told you why even if you didn't understand it back then. And I'm not trying to make up an excuse, I know that what I've done is wrong and I want to make it up to you. But I have told you the reason behind it" he told me.


"What could possibly be a good enough reason to make someone's life miserable?" I asked him.


"Nothing is a good enough reason but it IS a reason. I have the worst self esteem and I'm looking for pleasing other people all the time. They expect me to do those things and I can't say no. I'm insecure and afraid to be alone. If someone sees the real me, they might leave me" he told me.


"Why the hell would people leave you if they don't see you being a douche?" I asked him. That reason made the blood boil in me.


"Because I'm unlovable" he told me and raised his voice a bit.


I looked down. Why would someone think that? I didn't like it when he yelled, I knew something bad would happen after.


"Sorry" he excused himself for raising his voice and I looked at him again.


"I don't really like you..." I gave away an ironic little laugh.


"Sorry, no. I hate you, but I believe everyone can be loved. Even the devil himself" I told him but he shook his head.


"Not me" he said.




"Because he told her that. When he left, I heard him. He told her that it wasn't her, it was me. He wanted to be with her but I was in the way so he left" he looked down. My heart broke, not especially for Justin's sake but for that little boys sake. A kid is just a kid. They don't deserve to hear that. No one deserves to hear that. And it turned Justin in to a despiteful young man.


"But your mom, she still loves you" I told him. He laughed an emotionless laugh.


"No she doesn't. She hates me" He looked so vulnerable and little. So helpless. I had never seen him like that before.


"Why would she hate you?" I asked him.


"Because she blames me. She doesn't even want to be home anymore. I don't see her, only in the mornings when she comes in and yell at me" he told me.


"It doesn't mean she doesn't love you" it was hard for me to believe that. Every parent loved their kids. At least one of them.


"She doesn't. She despite me. So no, I can't be loved" he said and shook his head.


"I don't believe that. People can always be loved" I had grown up with people who hated me but I was still loved.


"You just don't get it. Your parents loves you" he looked away and all my sympathy for the guy disappeared. He was an ass again.


"You have no idea what you're talking about" I told him.


"What? They do, I've been so jealous. You always came with braided hair to school when you were little. My mom wouldn't even touch me" he said. My eyes teared up. How could he say that?


"And every time you got hurt you would always come to school looking so carefully taken care of" he continued but stopped when he saw that I was crying.


"What is it?" He asked me. I got up on my feet and dried my cheeks.


"This was a bad idea" I told him as I was walking towards the door. Justin jumped up from his bed.


"No wait, I'm sorry, what did I say?" He asked me. When I arrived at the front door I hurried to get my shoes on. Justin did the same. He was clearly planing on following me.


"You don't know a shit about me" I said as I started walking to my house. I knew it was a big mistake to go and see him. Why did I even do it? Because I believed that people could change. Because I was hoping that the boy I had been talking to was there somewhere, but I couldn't find him. Well, I saw a glimpse of him when Justin told me about not being loved but that was it. And indeed he was following me.


"I'm really sorry but I don't know what I said. I know that I don't know a shit about you, that's why I wanted to talk to you. To get to know you" he was picking up his speed trying to catch up.


"Don't ever talk about my family again because you have no idea what you're talking about" the tears wouldn't stop streaming down my cheeks. Justin grabbed my arm and turned me around so that I was facing him.


"I'm sorry, truly sorry. Please, give me a second chance. I have to know you" I pulled my arm away and shook my head.


"This was your second chance" I turned around and started to walk again. Justin followed me but in silence. He was trying to figure out what to say. Though he never got the chance to say anything because as I stepped in to my lawn I turned around and stopped him with my hands.


"Don't. Go home" I told him and turned around. He was standing there for a couple of seconds. Chocked and a bit hurt but insisted on doing the opposite of everything I told him. I walked over to my door and unlocked it.


"Please Ashley" he begged me. I opened the door and walked inside. Justin was trying to follow me but I pushed him back.


"Don't" I was about to close the door but he stopped me.


"I really don't understand wh..." He didn't finish his sentence. I didn't know why but when I looked at him I understood. I turned around, my mom was lying on the couch with a vodka bottle in her hand. Next to the couch was a number of empty bottles.


"Ashley.." He started but I just shook my head.


"You don't know me" I told him and slammed the door.





A couple of hours had gone by. I had spoken to my mom who was a bit clearer in her head. I told her that I wanted her to throw away the bottles and she said she was sorry. A couple of hours had gone by and I was still crying. My feelings was everywhere. I felt nothing and everything, unable to control a thing. I watched my mom as she put all the bottles in to a bag. Far to many times had I seen that picture. Why couldn't she just stop? Why couldn't she love me more than the alcohol? It wasn't a lot of things that was fair in the world but what had I done to deserve what was given to me? Nothing.


(Moms perspective)


I watched her, it was something I used to do. It hurt just as bad every time I saw her face. So disappointed, so hurt, so alone and all because of me. The one I'm suppose to guard and protect from the coldness of the world, is the one I've hurt the most. My little girl. Ever since her dad left I had felt like the worst mom. It felt like it was my fault, that she lost him. He didn't leave her, he left me. He told me that he loved her but he couldn't live a lie anymore. He told me that his home felt like a prison. Ever since, the alcohol had been my best friend. It took away all the bad feelings, all the pain, all the guilt. And in the middle of everything I lost control. I lost myself and I lost my little baby.


"I love you honey" I told her and she looked me in the eye.


"Love you too mom" but I could hear it. A kid without hope. I opened the door and walked outside. Once I was out I closed the door. I threw away the bottles and when I turned around I jumped. There was a guy sitting on our porch. He was seated on the floor with his head leaning against his knees.


"Excuse me? Are you Justin?" I asked him. The boy looked up right at me.


"Yeah, hi" it was late and cold outside and he was sitting there in a tshirt.


"How long have you been sitting here?" I asked him and walked up to him.


"How long ago did Ashley come home?" He asked me but I understood he was giving me an answer.


"Why don't you go home?" I asked him but he just shook his head.


"I'm not going until she talks to me, could you please tell her that?" He asked me. He looked so little sitting on the floor. He was hugging himself in an attempt to warm his body. I nodded as a response.


"Yeah of course" I told him and took the blanket I was wearing, of of my shoulders. He needed it much more than I did so I put it over his instead. He looked a bit chocked at me but gave me a little smile.


"Thank you" 


I returned his smile.


"I'll talk to her" I told him and walked inside. As I shut the door behind me I turned my head to look at my daughter.


"That guy you told me about.." I began.


"Yeah?" She was quick to answer me and I got a feeling that she didn't want that subject to come up.


"He is outside" I told her. She looked up at me.


"He's here again?" She sounded frustrated. I shook my head.


"He hasn't left yet"


She got up on her feet.


"What? What do you mean, hasn't left?" She asked me.


"His been sitting out there for hours. And he's saying he won't go until you come out and talk to him" I gave her a little smile but she was stone cold.


"He's cute" I tried to make her in a better mood but she wouldn't buy it.


"You realize that's the guy who has bullied me my entire life, right?" She was getting a bit mad and I didn't want that.


"Yeah, I know. But it looks like he wants to change. His been sitting out there for hours just because he wants you to came and talk to him"


"People don't change" she told me.


"Of course they do, go and talk to him" I told her. She sighed.


"Okey, fine."


I was watching her as she walked out the door. She wasn't a baby anymore, she was a beautiful young woman. I would support who ever came and tried to be her friend because she deserved one. And the world deserved to get to know an angel.


(Ashley's perspective)


I shut the door closed behind me and yes indeed, he was sitting there with a blanket around him. I guessed the damage was already done, he had already seen what I had been trying to hide all these years.


"My dad left us when I was five. My mom turned to alcohol and I've been by myself ever since" I told him but didn't look at him.


"The times she was clear in her head she would make my braids, I wouldn't take them out until she had a good day again. Therefore the braids. About the other part. I had to learn to take care of myself, therefore I always showed up to school "carefully taken care of"" I sat down on the floor as well but on the opposite side of him. He was looking at me, listening to me.


"I'm sorry, I didn't know" he said and sounded sincere. I finally looked at him.


"I know you didn't. No one knows. I've been keeping it to myself. I've been on my own. Just like I've been on my own every time you've hit me, every time you've diminished me, humiliated me, hurt me, disrespected me. I had to deal with every feeling by myself and it's so overwhelming. But you never knew that, because you didn't care... No one cared..." I lost it. My sight got blurry and the tears found their way down my cheeks. Justin got up and walked over to me. He sat down next to me and embraced me. I shook my head and tried to push him away but he wouldn't let go.


"Don't" I told him while I was sobbing like a little child.


"Hey, it's okey. Cry it out" he was leaning his head against mine and I stopped fighting it. I let him comfort me and it felt kind of nice.


A couple of minutes passed by and Justin said.


"I can't go back and undo things that has happened but I can make sure the future doesn't play out the same way. I want to be your friend, someone you can count on and share those tough feeling with. I want to be there for you. What do you say? Third time's a charm? Do you allow me to be that person?" He whispered in my ear. What was I suppose to say to that? Did I want to give him jet another chance? I did, no I didn't. Yes I did, I really wanted a friend.


"You gotta earn it" I whispered back. Justin's shirt was all wet from my tears.


"Deal" he told me and wiped my cheeks.


"You should get some sleep" he told me and I couldn't do anything else but to agree with him. It had been an energy draining day. He got up and helped me up as well. The blanket stayed on my shoulders, I turned and opened my door.


"Will I see you tomorrow?" He asked me. I looked back at him.


"Maybe, I just need some sleep right now. Can't really think straight" I told him.


"Fair enough, good night" he said and turned around.


"Good night" I said and walked inside.


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