A collection of inner monologues

Sometimes late at night I feel the urge to write, about anything and everything, so I decided to start doing that and I'll publish them on here as I write them. They'll probably just sound like the inner ramblings of a teenage girl but it's a way of expression that some people may enjoy reading.

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2. Charlie

It's almost 3 in the morning and I should be asleep but I miss you so much in this moment I don't know how I can ever sleep without you again.

I never wanted that towel back because now my room smells like you and it's the only thing I have left. It would be easier with nothing, no reminders, just a blank slate that I could push to the back of my mind, but I can't anymore.

I can't explain how much this hurts, realising exactly what I'm losing, that I'll never fall asleep in your arms again and all I want in this moment is to call you and see you, and hope that somehow this will work. But I know it can't, and I should just stay silent and move on to avoid future pain. Swallow the lump in my throat, close my eyes and go to sleep. If only it was that easy. If only I could sleep without your chest to lean on, and your arm around me, drifting off to the tv in the background.

My room feels quiet and empty, honestly it's a mess because what's the point in tidying it if you're not coming round. I still haven't taken down the pictures of us, it feels too final and I don't know what to do with them now. 

I know my reasons for ending it, and let's face it I did end it. But that doesn't make this easier. I hate that I've hurt you because you're the first guy to really accept me for who I am and be sweet to me anyway. I can't tell you how much it means to me, after everything I've been through before. And that's what makes this so difficult because I don't know if I'll ever find someone like you again, and I wonder if I'm making a mistake.

I have to believe that this is for the best otherwise I won't get through it in one piece. Friends have told me I've done the right thing, but how can it be right if it hurts so much? 

I haven't cried since the day it ended but now I can't stop, it's like I've just ignored it for days and now I can't stop feeling and I wish I could just turn off my heart and turn off the world. Everything reminds me of you, no where is safe, not even my home. I tried going out today but everything I did, I'd already done with you. Everything is stained with the memory of you, of us.

 

I don't know why I'm writing this, or if you'll ever read it, but I love you and I'm sorry

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