Day 1, Reason 1: Liveness.
It was as if things had lost that brightness that made the world look alive; it was as if things were turning grey by the minute, as if everything around me was dying but it wasn't them, it was me.
Everything would lead my thoughts to him, the plants, the flowers, the sky, the concrete streets, my thoughts would just wander and out of nowhere he would pop out, and I fucking hated him for that. He was an idiot, ruining his first relationship because he allowed the people around him influenced it. At least I was smart, if he had liked me I would have told everybody around us to fuck off, but that was not the case. If he had liked me, HA. Big, fat, dramatic HA.
I jumped behind the car and walked behind my father and sister to the place where I would spend four weeks of my summer working as an assistant for my father. I had attended that summer course since I was six until I was twelve, and I really liked it, but as a fifteen year old, it was a mere distraction for my broken heart.
I sat down in a chair without even realizing we had arrived to the room where the staff reunited, I wasn't even part of the staff, I had asked my dad if I could go with him and he didn't say no. There were more people in there, three young women, and the boss, who was a man.
"Are you okay with it, Samantha?" my father asked.
"What?" I asked. They had obviously been talking about something related to me and I hadn't noticed. My father hadn't noticed either how sad my eyes were, or how many times I lost myself in space.
"Going to work with the little kids, three to five years old. They are going to pay you," my father explained.
"Uhm...right. Yeah, I'm okay with it."
I sat there for a while waiting for the rest of the staff to arrive, there's was nobody my age there, which was really sad. I was like a zombie, when the other staff of the little kids stood up to leave I followed them, and I looked like a zombie. I knew the place like the back of my hand, I had spent most of summers there, I just needed to know where I was going and my body automatically took me there.
We arrived and I allowed myself to sit down on the floor while the other staff did their thing. I was willing to help, seriously, but they didn't seem to be interested on me helping to organize the whole room. There were five of them, and if they wanted to get it all ready in time they needed more help, but for them I just was a young, naïve girl. Of course they didn't care that I was the smartest girl in my whole grade, in the whole city.
"Uhm, excuse me. Raymond sent me to help here," a voice said. I looked up from the book I was holding and that I had pulled out from my bag moment earlier.
Standing in the doorway was a boy. Light brown skin and dark brown hair, honey eyes, a nervous look. He had a mole in his right jawline. He looked older than me, maybe a two or three years older, and he was so handsome, like those boys you find when you scroll through your Instagram feed.
"Yeah. You are Joshua, right?" Laura, our leader in that group said. The boy nodded. "Could you help us with the tables and chairs, we have to prepare the material." She looked around and her eyes found me sitting on the floor, he looked back at him. "Samantha will help you." She looked back at me and indicated me to stand up. "Samantha, can you help Joshua?"
I nodded and stood. People made me nervous, but you couldn't expect anything less of me, I had generalized anxiety and traces of social anxiety, and in short I lived anxious every single second of my life. And there was this hot boy in front of me, being all shy and nervous, and we were working together, and I was going to die.
I watched him pick up chairs and place them on the floor or picking up tables all by himself and moving them all around the room, by himself. I saw the muscles in his arms flexing, his broad shoulder, his back. And there was something in him. While everything around me had no brightness, while things and people were losing color this boy, this boy was shining.
He was so bright. He was so alive.