(Jack, Leanne and Davis are sprawled in a living room. Mel and Martin walk in, hand in hand.)
Jack: Haha! Look who’s back together. Davis, pay up! (Davis groans and hands over money.)
Davis: You’re bleeding me dry.
Leanne: Maybe you should stop making bets that you have no chance of winning. (To Mel) Well in all the drama, you probably missed the big news.
Mel: What news?
Davis: Don’t listen to her, Mel. You know what she’s like.
Leanne: Shut up, Davis. Anyway, apparently North Korea has developed several nuclear ‘devices’ that they are threatening to use on us.
Jack: Leanne, I love you but you really are crazy. We’re fine. It’s just another rumour that North Korea is spreading. They can’t actually do anything.
Mel: I dunno. It does feel like mutually assured destruction is a reality that is becoming more and more likely. I mean, after Turkey shot down that Russian plane and Russia declared war, things just seemed to escalate. Now France is at war with ISIS and America is on the brink of civil war. Now North Korea is making threats. It feels like only a matter of time before Britain gets dragged into something.
Martin: Okay, first of all, Turkey and Russia haven't actually done anything yet so it will probably just be another cold war.
Jack: Yeah. And remember how a few years ago everyone was scared of al-Qaeda and now Bin Laden's fish food.Don’t let Leanne scare you. It’s all just a bunch of poppycock.
Davis: First we got the bomb and that was good
'Cause we love peace and motherhood.
Then Russia got the bomb, but that's O.K.,
'Cause the balance of power's maintained that way!
Jack: France got the bomb, but don't you grieve,
'Cause they're on our side (I believe).
Martin: China got the bomb, but have no fears;
They can't wipe us out for at least five years!
Leanne: Then Indonesia claimed that they
Were gonna get one any day.
Jack: South Africa wants two, that's right:
Martin: One for the black Jack: And one for the white!
Both: Who's next?
Davis: Isis wants to get one, too,
Just to use on you know who.
Jack: So Syria's getting tense,
Wants one in self defense.
"The Lord's our shepherd," says the psalm,
But just in case, we better get a bomb!
Leanne: Luxembourg is next to go
And, who knows, maybe Monaco.
Mel: We'll try to stay serene and calm
When Donald Trump gets the bomb!
All: Who's next, who's next, who's next?
Jack: Well I don’t know about “Who’s next?” but I do know “What’s next!” (Pulls out weed. The others cheer and they all begin to smoke.)
Leanne: Hey, where’d you get this from? I thought Arnie got caught?
Jack: Arnie got caught. Turns out, his brother didn’t.
Davis: You know, I’ve been thinking…
Martin: Careful there, Davis.
Davis: You know, you get all these songs about people, like the candy man and soldiers and stuff, but, like, you never get any songs about drug dealers and the like, you know?
Leanne: Yeah? So?
Davis: I just think it’s sad that they don’t get any recognition. I mean, they risk going to prison or whatever just to make us happy. And what reward do they get?
Jack: I think the money we pay them is reward enough. This shit is expensive!
Davis: Yeah, but still… (Launches himself up and stands on the table)
Martin: Oh no.
Mel: What’s he doing?
Leanne: Please tell me he’s not going to -
Davis: (Singing) When the shades of night are falling,
Comes a fellow everyone knows.
It's the old dope peddler,
Spreading joy wherever he goes.
Jack: And he’s singing.
Davis: Every evening you will find him,
Around our neighborhood.
It's the old dope peddler
Doing well by doing good.
He gives the kids free samples,
Because he knows full well
That today's young innocent faces
Will be tomorrow's clientele.
Here's a cure for all your troubles,
Here's an end to all distress.
It's the old dope peddler
With his powdered happiness.
(He finishes and the other applaud him as he stumbles down, takes a clumsy bow and sits.)
Mel: Well you can’t deny he’s got talent.
Jack: Don’t encourage him!