5. Scene 5
(A classroom. All students have their heads down studying. Mr Johnson prowls among them. He stops at Martin’s desk.)
Mr Johnson: Martin! What is this? This is not the required reading material.
Martin: No, sir.
Mr Johnson: Then what is it?
Mr Johnson: What?! (He snatches the magazine from Martin, squeals like a little girl and drops it in disgust.) Martin, this is simply unacceptable. Go to the head masters office immediately.
Martin: Why, sir?
Mr Johnson: Why?! Because… because… it’s… it’s…
Martin: It’s just smut, sir. It’s not hurting anyone. (Gets up on a table and starts to sing.)
Give me smut and nothing but!
A dirty novel I can't shut
If it's uncut
I've never quibbled
If it was ribald.
I would devour
Where others merely nibbled.
As the judge remarked the day that he acquitted my Aunt Hortense,
"To be smut
It must be ut-
Terly without redeeming social importance."
Nographic pictures I adore.
Indecent magazines galore,
I like them more
If they're hardcore.
Bring on the obscene movies, murals, postcards, neckties, samplers, stained
Glass windows, tattoos, anything!
More, more, I'm still not satisfied!
Stories of tortures
Used by debauchers
Lurid, licentious and vile,
Make me smile.
Novels that pander
To my taste for candor
Give me a pleasure sublime.
Let's face it I love slime!
Old books can be indecent books,
Though recent books are bolder.
For filth, I'm glad to say,
Is in the mind of the beholder.
When correctly viewed,
Everything is lewd.
I could tell you things about Peter Pan
And the Wizard of Oz - there's a dirty old man!
To any book like Fanny Hill,
And I suppose I always will
If it is swill
And really fil-thy.
Who needs a hobby like tennis or philately?
I've got a hobby: rereading Lady Chatterley.
But now they're trying to take it all away from us unless
We take a stand, and hand in hand we fight for freedom of the press.
In other words: Smut! I love it.
Ah, the adventures of a slut.
Oh, I'm a market they can't glut.
I don't know what
Compares with smut.
Hip, hip, hooray!
Let's hear it for Mr Johnson!
Don't let them take it away!