I want to be surprised. Taken aback. Terrified but exhilarated. Swept away into a overwhelming consciousness where my stomach is lurched up into my chest and I get light-headed. Utterly flooded with powerlessness.
Is that so much to ask?
I want him to be someone who I've been attracted to for some while now but never thought it could go anywhere. Where I tense up and try to act decent and sweet and try to look pretty whenever he's around but not really know why. When his smile turns up and his eyebrows are so perfect, and I can't believe the words that come out of his mouth. His mouth. And his teeth and how he's so passionate about something. Sports, music, kids, school, mountain biking, video games, books, movies, hunting. I don't care, so long as he gushed about it like he'd never get to talk about it ever again.
and then for him to just come up out of nowhere and reach his hands behind my head and pull me up to his face. For him to be so confident and sure of himself that he knows I'm someone who wouldn't pull away.
or for him to sit next to me, and have one of those cute best friend conversations where I think to myself that I was right, it surely won't go anywhere because that's just how it is and I'm fantasizing over nothing-
and he takes my hand.
I've become so desperate for a surprise. Like, just show up at my job and buy a shirt. Wink at me in the hall.
Or he could show up at my house in the middle of the night, already talked to my parents about how he was going to take me on a drive and he already had the blankets and don't worry, nothing's going to happen because why would anything be uncomfortable or messy or not right with him. Why would he disrespect me and my parents? He wouldn't.
I'm always the one engaging the surprise. The kiss, the hand. Let it be known that I refuse to do it any longer.
can I just be babbling away nervously when he grabs my waist and kisses my forehead? Or lips? Or when we hang out at friends and he gives me a hug that I never expected?
Or a random good morning text? Or a letter in the mail?
This is all very unfair. You can't ask him to surprise you like this, because then it won't be a surprise.
an unexpected or astonishing event, fact, or thing.
and how is he supposed to know? What human being besides me wishes the same?
someone who doesn't care that I wear makeup, or that I have bangs. Or that I love my best friend more than anything else on this planet. that I love french bulldogs with all my heart.