Where is she ?! I tried everything to contact her ? Where are you Carla ?!
Every day i remembered the last night together, the day we were out sailing, with earthquakes in my heart, i really missed her, if i only had a bigger window i could search for you, if i had a better view i could see you coming, if i had bigger wings i’ll fly to you.
Was something wrong with her ? She’s avoiding me ? One thing is for sure, i’m going to search for her if i’ll get out of here alive.
[Almost two years later]
– Yo, Mark, wake up man! There’s a guy searching for you for days.
– Don’t know man, name like a bird or sometin’. He’s in cell block 5.
I jumped from the bed.
– Hawk ?!
– Yeah nigga’, it’s the Hawk motha focka!
Rushed out of the cell, looked left, looked right like he’ll be there, but i knew he’s in cell block 5 duh, you know, twisted mind under pressure, rushed down the stairs, ran the entire cell block, and another, and another, Steve was looking at me with calm with the hand pointing upstairs.
– Cell 4 …
– Thanks man!!!
Up the stairs to cell 4, i was done running, hands on my knees.
– Hawk ?!
He turned his head to me surprised.
– I’ll be damn !!! Mark my man !!!
I took a deep breath.
– Hawk … you’re killing me …
– Hahahahaha !!! I’m sorry man, i’m really sorry.
– No problem. How are you?! Everything ok?!
– Besides the fact that I’ll be in prison for the next eight years, yes, i’m ok. Seriously now, i’m alive and well. I got transferred here and there and searched for you, and here we are man, we meet again.
– You know what they say Hawk, some encounters in our life are not random, the people that shape our lives are there on purpose.
– Mark, i have this strange feeling and i don’t know if others have it … i didn’t do any bad things to people all my life, not that i recall, i always wanted to be better, to make the world a better place if i may say like Miss Universe. And one day the shit really hits the fan and your world turns upside down … is it fair ?! I killed a man, self defense, i killed him, i must stay here until that, i had very bad moments in my life and i always asked myself why is this happening to me, we shouldn’t get what we give to others ?! …
– Yes, i find myself thinking this way but you know what the buddhists say, we have to pay the mistakes in the past lives and shape our way to Nirvana, life after life.
– They don’t close the accounting books when you die, don’t they?!
– Haha ! No, no, no, they keep on counting till the balance is achieved.
– Think so ?!
– Hell yeah ! … We just have to learn our lessons. My problem is why don’t we learn, why do we do the same mistakes over and over again.
– Some do it, some don’t. You just have to be wise sometimes.
– How do we know when ?!
– We don’t know Mark, but we feel it, it’s not just the brain, it’s also the heart.
– What do you mean?
– I heard this theory that the heart has some synapses, just like the brain, the brain being in charge of reason and the heart being in charge of the soul and the most special messages we receive and send.
– Like when you fall in love …
– Exactly! It’s not the butterfly in the stomach bullshit, it’s the energy you feel it right inside your heart, it hurts but it feels divine, some say it’s only the brain … i don’t.
– And you just can’t stop it, the beautiful pain is there no matter what and it stays there crying and screaming at you.
– The fire burns and it burns you and it just want to be put off.
– Neaaah, no no no Hawk, it doesn’t want to be put to sleep, it just wants you to keep pouring some kerosene, over and over again.
– Hahahahaha!!! Mark, my man … You’re in love …
– Hawk, as much as i like the way you think, between us it will never be more then a friendship.
– Hahahaha, you idiot ! Don’t you like me at all ?! We’re in prison, what better excuse do you want ?! :))
– Hahahaha !!!
[A few days later]
Early in the morning i was getting ready for the sunday visit, my mother was feeling well and was on her way to the prison. She was devastated when she heard i’ll be in prison but she’s a strong woman and she was quite supportive, just like any parent would do for his kid.
There was this open visit room, metal tables and chairs bolted into the concrete, we were all there, equal, every scum of the earth was around family and loved ones, holding hands, kissing the little kids, smiling, loving.
Isn’t it funny how sick people in a hospital are equal no matter how rich or poor, powerful or not, ugly or beautiful, they are suffering, the same amount, with the same intensity, they are feeling the same thing.
It’s also funny how a bad thing brings good, it’s the law of nature, law of God if you like, you can’t have one without the other, something grow, something gets smaller and then they switch, over and over again.
My mother came to hug me with tears in her eyes.
– My boy …….
– Don’t cry, you promised me!
– Alright, alright. How are you my son?
– Excellent! Never been better!
– You crazy boy, you and your humour … maybe this got you in all this trouble …
– Maybe you’re right, but i’m working on it.
– Are you in good health, are they treating you good, the food is good, you lost some weight?
– Food?! They don’t give us food, it’s something else. And i’m good, i got lucky mom, i have some good friends that take care of me … i got really really lucky.
– You are lucky, i think you always been, not in the way to win the lottery, but really lucky in the end.
I looked above my shoulder, you know, things you get when you’re in prison and at the other table there was Hawk, facing me, he waved to me smiling.
The world just frozen, my heart was going 300 miles per hour, Carla was there, right at Hawk’s table, after two years, i saw her again and again like the first time i saw her, again for a few seconds … she looked at me and turned her head away from me.
I looked down, she looked down and talked for herself.
– Please God, no !
Hawk got that.
– What did you say ?
– Sorry … do you know the guy over there … at that table … with the old lady …
– Mark ?!
– Do you know that jerk ?!?!
– Yes! Why do you call him a jerk ?!
– Because he’s the master of the jerks, the slimiest maggot that ever walked on the face of the earth, he’s the only creature God didn’t knew he made and if i’ll tell him he will puke.
– No he isn’t !
– Yes he is !
– No he isn’t !
– Yes he is !
– Carla stop ! He was there that night, he kind of saved us, we could be dead right now if it wasn’t for this guy.
Hawk was a really smart guy.
Carla was smarter, she made the connections, she get off the chair and walked towards me, i felt a rush of blood to the head, she said to me while she put her hand on my arm, she was crying.
– I’m so sorry … Thank you for helping my brother …
I took her in my arms and squeezed her to get back all the time lost and whispered in her year.
– I looked through the window everyday, maybe God will send you again to me.
– And he did.