Okay, so this is just something I have to get off my chest. I've needed to for a while.
So, a little while ago, one of my best friends and I went through some really terrible shit.
So, I had been talking to another friend, a boy in year 12 named Regan, when I accidentally let slip that I was gay. Turns out that he's a homophobic ass, and he went and outed me to his cousin and friend. My brother, who's in year 12 too, told me about it and I told mum who works with them and she had words with them.
So as you can imagine, I was pretty fucking upset and I was crying and I was pissed and angry and I was just about ready to kill myself in a deep, dark hole.
Regan's cousin asked, "She's never touched a vagina other than her own, how can she know?"
Well, Caela, you fucking bitch, I bet you've never touched a vagina other than your own either, and you're pretty damn sure that you're straight, you bitch. Besides, how do you know?
Anyway, I was ranting to my friend (Let's call her Maree), and she was just telling me to calm down, it wasn't that bad.
I am a fucking anxious person, Maree, telling me to "calm down" does not fucking work, and of course it was that fucking bad!!! I just got stabbed in the fucking back by one of my friends, dammit!
(And I haven't gone to see a GP or anything, I haven't been diagnosed with anxiety, but I am just a generally stressed and anxious person, and this was the fucking tipping point.)
Well, I say "just", but this happened in May sometime.
So I said, "Fuck it, don't you get it? This is a big deal to me, I can't just 'calm down'!"
And guess what she did?
She went on this big rant about how she does get it because she had been abused by her family and how she's had it so much worse for two years and shit like that.
So, she made me want to kill myself even more. Thanks for that.
And she's barely spoken words to me since then, no matter how many times I tried to message her with an apology.
But then I realised, why should I be apologising? She started a fucking "Who's Had It Worse?" competition!
So, Maree, my question to you is: Am I not allowed to be sad just because you've had it worse?
That was a big fucking deal to me, and you made me feel even worse.
Anyway, this is ridiculous. This is like saying I can't have a good day because someone just got married or won a lotto ticket. Whenever you do this, you are invalidating my feelings. You are saying that someone can't have their own thoughts and opinions and feelings because you have yours. And sure, you may have had it worse than me or Maree or some poor soul in the world, but let us be upset and for fuck's sake, let us have feelings.
So, long story short: "Who's More Depressed" Competitions? Don't do it. Just fucking don't, because that is absolute bullshit.
And if I've ever done this to someone, I'm really sorry, okay? I am, I'm sorry. I swear, I didn't mean to turn it into that.
And Maree and anyone else that's ever done this to me, fuck you.
And Maree? Who has been pointedly ignoring me since this whole incident, your excuses being that you're "too tired to talk right now"? Fuck you. There might be a reason that you're not talking to me, and I might know what it is, but you're also ignoring my brother. So you can either pull your head out of your ass and explain what's going on or not, I don't fucking care anymore. I'm done crying about this. Just unfriend me on Facebook if you hate me. Just don't ignore me anymore.
I'm done. That's all I want to say right now.