Sometimes when I was home alone in my room, I'd slowly just sink into this big dark hole, and sometimes I just couldn't climb up again. I could stay home from school for months just laying in my bed all sad.
I'd think of all the things, I'd been through from the beginning, where my dad would throw me around into walls, to me being raped. I had been through so many things, sometimes it was a wonder, that I hadn't killed my self already, cause it burned and it hurt.
When I got too wasted, I could really feel the pain burning me up, and tearing me apart, like a piece of meat being ripped into pieces by lions. I hated feeling like the meat, that was why I'd always try to be the lion myself.
I had nothing to live for.. Maybe that was why I really didn't care about anything.
Every heart break would also flip through my mind, and all of the times I had been forced into doing stuff, I never wanted to do.
My mind would almost explode, and my heart would be feeling so crushed. It hurt more and more every time I thought about it. I just couldn't go there sometimes, but when I opened up for the pain, it all came rushing in, and it was painful. So painful.
I believed in that god gave us the challenges we needed in life to become mightier, but sometimes it would feel so bad, that I almost stopped believing in him, which I did at last.
I just couldn't let go and open up.