I would never be good enough.
No matter how hard I tried, I'd always be the one doing it wrong.
My dad had always told me, how I couldn’t do anything right, and how I was stupid. He lied to my face, betrayed me and most of all he disappointed me.
I hated him for making me feel like, I was never good enough. I hated him for never being there, and I hated him for destroying a part of my childhood and destroying me.
The worst of all was that I couldn't even say no to him. I couldn't go against him. I tried, but I couldn't. I hated, that when I was with him, he made me feel weak. He made me feel like I was nothing. Like I was worthless, and I didn't want to feel like that, but he controlled me. It would never change.
I tried and tried, but it’s never good enough, so why try?
I was a good girl all my life, but what if I went dark. I was tempted, but I wanted do it right, even though I knew, I'd never be good enough, so why didn't I just go dark? It's easier that way. I wouldn't let anyone down, I'd just be dark, but what if I just tried harder to be good enough. Why wouldn't they just let me do it right?
I started trying new things and got some new friends too. Everyday was fun, no consequences. Ditching school, assignments and rules. It was all so easy. I just let go of everything.
Using guys was the best part. Flirting, scoring and dumbing them again. I loved it. I wanted to abuse them, like how I had been abused.
Weed or drugs? It didn't matter. I did it all. I'd do anything to escape reality. To let go of all of these chains holding me back.
I was a kitten before, but a lion came out after all of this. I didn't care about anyone - not even myself.