To the Past I Know

There's a lot to say in this limited time called our life span. There's a lot of words that have yet to be said. To all the people I know, I'd always have inner thoughts that I'd like you to know and you should probably one day know. There will never be enough time for me to say this, if I even dare tell you this directly. In this limited time, let this be a piece of me for you.


1. To the sister I never knew

What type of person would you have been? You passed on before I was even born. You passed on before we ever knew if you would be a sister or a brother. But I like to think, and I wish to believe you would be my sister. I think of you a lot, I don’t even know you despite our blood bonds, but you're always somewhere at the back of my mind. I've always wondered what type of sister you would be, would you be annoyed at me, or would you be the type that would always humor me. Maybe I'll be different if I had a sister, maybe I wouldn’t learn so much about the adult world this young. Maybe that would change who I become.

Sometimes I think that you'd be an amazing sister, there to cheer me up in the hard days that are oh, so common nowadays. I'd wonder if you were here, how would mom be? Would she have signed those divorce papers when we were young? Would she quit her job that she loved so much to stay home and take care of us? Would you be there to come on stage and cheer for her when she wins an award? And other times, I wonder of you would face the same problems as I do. Would you ever feel as in secure about yourself as I do? Would you hate your body, your weight too? Or would you constantly feel lost, unhappy, lonely even in a room full of people?

I don’t even know you but I wish you were here.

I wonder if you would like my friends, if you would introduce me to yours, if you would tell me what happens in your life. I wonder if we have the same interests, if we have similar taste, if we like the same people. I wonder if you'd stay with me and listen to me cry over mean people and bad grades, if you'd look for me first when a boy breaks your heart, when you're having a bad day. I wonder how mom would react when you bring a boy home, when I would one day bring one home. I wonder if you would be a sister to me.

Sometimes I find it a blessing that you never saw the face of this earth, so many cruel things going on, the hate acts and mass shootings. I wonder if the stories of people will touch you, inspire you to work towards the better good. I wonder what you would be when you grow up? Would you be as doubtful of the future as I am or would you be decisive and work towards a goal? All I know was, you aren’t here for a reason, and it is for the better good.

There are so many things happening now and mom is always busy. She works more than 15 hours a day and I hardly even have time to talk to her. We meet only at dinner and then we separate routes to different room to work. And when the night calls, I'd be lying in bed, wondering what type of person you would be.

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