To the Past I Know

There's a lot to say in this limited time called our life span. There's a lot of words that have yet to be said. To all the people I know, I'd always have inner thoughts that I'd like you to know and you should probably one day know. There will never be enough time for me to say this, if I even dare tell you this directly. In this limited time, let this be a piece of me for you.

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2. To the kid I will always know as awks turtle

After you left, I changed. I remember fighting the urge to text you the rather random happenings of the day. I remember cursing my friend sarcastically thanking her for all her help. And of course, I remember your apathetic message when I apologized about trusting you too much.

You were a hell of a wild ride, I never understood you, you were deemed unpredictable -  unstable even - by me.  Yet I trusted you. I told you remotely everything important to me and honestly you'd know the most about me if you paid enough attention. You knew about my family, you knew about my dilemmas, you probably knew more about me than I did. You were the one person I believed I could trust, honestly you felt like my closest confidant and an advisor.

When you left I was at a loss of what to do. There was so much I had to say and few I could trust. I took security in the undefined, and I diagnose that as my failure in so many aspects. The constant gamble in all my decisions, the overthinking about the endless possibilities. There wasn’t anymore checking of my phone, waiting for texts that I now know would never come; There wasn’t anymore one sided conversations. And there wasn’t anyone to ask advice from when I was at a loss of what to do.

You took a part of me when you left. A part of my now past left went with you. I tried to forget you, change myself to get rid of the slightest thing that could remind me of you. I changed my hairstyle, I changed habits, I changed my attitude. I still see you in classes and I still try not to acknowledge that we were ever more than acquaintances. I'd say we went too fast, I trusted you from the start, I told you things I would never tell even friends I've known for years. That was a mistake I made.

Couple days ago a guy asked for my number. A guy I barely knew, barely said a few sentences to, a guy I just met an hour ago. And I gave him my number. Then I realized I would just be repeating what happened with you but at that point I stopped caring. If there was anything I had learnt from my time with you, it would always act as if you lived once. Trust strangers, doubt friends you know, go for once in a life time chances.

It was hard to wash you out of my mind at the beginning. It never felt right to feel so betrayed yet not remain loyal to a friend. I admit, I was sad at first. But why should I be sad? I left someone who didn’t care about me whereas you lost someone who would give up anything for you. You never cared. Life was constantly about you. You never asked how I was doing, how life was treating me and most of all, you never asked. You didn’t ask to meet you best friend for lunch. You texted her "1:30 lunch at the canteen" I never though much about it before but maybe it was for a better cause that it stopped.

So I told myself, let this be a lesson. A lesson for me to see that life was never perfect, people were bound to come and go.  And for you, life never fully revolves around one person alone. It revolves around the people you meet, the people who change you. Your story isn't really about you. Its about the people you love, the people who loved you, the people who've made you who you are now. As much as I refrain, I hope I am amongst one of them.

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