To the Past I Know

There's a lot to say in this limited time called our life span. There's a lot of words that have yet to be said. To all the people I know, I'd always have inner thoughts that I'd like you to know and you should probably one day know. There will never be enough time for me to say this, if I even dare tell you this directly. In this limited time, let this be a piece of me for you.

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5. To the bandmate of our non-existent band

Your best friend died a few weeks before I scheduled mine. I remember when I was first told the news in the morning, I didn’t know her. I spent my recess time running a background search on her. I saw the list of awards she won and I couldn't breathe. I missed half a lesson sitting in the toilet, trying to clear my head, regularize my breathing.

The school was officially notified later that day, I remember sitting through it all in a daze. The back of my mind was hazy and I knew something was horribly wrong when I saw you in the afternoon.

It was that day I knew I wouldn’t let you lose another friend to suicide. It was that day I told myself I would never kill myself as long as you were here with me.

To say you were a wreck was an understatement. We took a walk around school that day to clear ourselves up. I remember you being so cold and emotionless as you told me of what a great person she was, how you spent your last day with her. You started crying when we were walking on the track, and you told me how much you regret not asking her to stay for a while more on that day.

You told me that all her close friends were placed on suicide watch and I never hated myself for being on that list so much. During that time, I told myself to never be on that list again. I saw how many people were crying when everyone knew. I heard how much self guilt her mother had. I knew her friends, people like you who now regret their every decision. I felt horrible, for even considering it.

It was also that day, I promised myself to always be there for you, tell you all the bad things in life so that you won't feel bad when you tell me about yours;  Tell you about how happy I am as a guilt trip to cover up the past.

You were a wonderful kid, you deserved so much more than this. Thank you for always looking out for me, for being there when I thought about it, for being part of our non existent band. Thank you for making me see how worth it the future was, how worth it, it was to still be alive right now. Thank you for giving me a reason to be alive.

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