- 17 –
END OF AN ERA
It’s not the first time I’ve watched someone’s hands close for the final time. The thought never leaves my mind, the endless gasping, and then the final breath as they take on last look at their hero. My hero was my sister, but she didn’t get to see my hands close that night. Instead, I watched her freeze, and with such slowness she took one last look at my face. Her eyes were drifting off, and I was soon to be alone forever.
Enough with the fucking time already! I’m sick of counting down the hours, the times that’s lost for every second that Susan isn’t watching me. I’m starting to lose faith in time all together as they are dragging out one by one; leaving them with nothing but endless thoughts on how one dies here.
You see, I’ve given it a whole lot of thought. Whether she’s here or not, I’m still thinking I should be over there. Right next to the empty pot plant, the one area where someone should be near. But nobody has the guts to stand there for longer than five seconds as it becomes apparent that we shouldn’t be standing near an open window. None of us can handle the cool air, the sadness that flows through you.
Whether it’s a hospital bed that’s looking empty, I’m usually out of my mind. Whether I’m leaving to go meet her or thinking about meeting her. There’s this little thought in the back of my mind that’s watching me from afar, it’s looking into my very eyes. They can’t handle the weirdness that it sees through those drunk goggles. And whether it’s cracks between the eyes, or several red lines drifting off our eyeballs. There’s nothing more than a few pounds of this to make you feel like you’ve done the right thing.
First, I started off with small amounts of the stuff. I remember our own mother wanting to treat herself to something nice. A special teddy bear that had been worn out from being unavailable in the local carnival. She got that bear because she wanted to, and not because she had to have it. Those beady eyes didn’t make her feel anything, and that cute rounded face didn’t make her shed a tear. None of the bear’s features made her want to take it home.
It was driven into her like the same vehicle that drove right into Susan’s family tree. Yeah, her whole family being trampled into the ground. Now, that’s funny because I know that none of that is true. The whole family tree thing was just something we made up together. Like, who we wanted to be like. Someone we looked up to, people we wanted in our family.
Susan driven me to the edge of tomorrow due to her wanting more of what I had been taking. My system could hold up anything, a few cracks in the eyes but nothing serious. Sure, my pupils may now be as big the sun & the moon combined. But that doesn’t make me see anything differently. I’m still seeing the stars at night, I’m still seeing the scorching sun leave burns all over the Earth itself.
That’s just it, why die alone when you can die under a dying sun? It’s a question I ask myself every time I think about leaving this planet. I mean it’s home, but it’s not the kind of home I would want it to be. It’s just like how Susan and I saw the teddy bear we were given for our birthdays. It was the same day, the same bear, and the same face that made contact with us.
Susan was wearing her favourite stripy socks, her little face lit up whenever you mentioned the word ‘cake.’ Just enough of a smile would be revealed as we watched our own mother cut the cake into pieces. Then, we’d share it and forget about the whole day. Just like that we wouldn’t even be thinking about whether a birthday had started or had gone. Susan and I just forgot about everything, we were high in the clouds.
It’s just like how good parents should be; share the cracks, the pain, the misery with your kids. Why go at it alone? When you can make a whole generation of another generation unhappy too? It’s simple, you put yourself in the middle. You give them what you always wanted, some of the things that you can’t live without. For our mother, it was the cake that entered our bodies. For her it was the tragic mistake of giving us that cake.
I must have just forgotten what happened already because I don’t remember a damn thing. Nothing comes to mind when you mention the word ‘biscuit’ or tell me that I’m alone in this room. No, I just think about the endless slaughter nights ahead of us. Everyday I’m looking for a clue, a hint, something that will make me see reason. Instead I’m left with more questions that don’t have conclusions or theories to tie up the loose ends. Just like my tired eyes, we all see cracks in the middle. No matter where we look, we all see the red lines that blur our vision.
I think it’s best expressed as ‘pulling the wool over your eyes.’ That’s what our grandma said when we were young. Susan and I weren’t even ready to cut the cake back then. She’d come out with that same old wig, the same old body that makes you want to throw up. Yeah, I hated her, but I still enjoyed the moment where I watched her hands close.
Feeling like there’s a pattern here would be no mistake. It’s tragic to think that one person can drift away from you within minutes. And sometimes you don’t even get the chance to say goodbye, but you do get the endless torment afterwards. If you were ever like me, you’d be facing the same fate. The question remains; Is Susan even here?
Still, light headed, feeling the need to vomit. All of these things enter my head, I’m left thinking about things. I’m trapped on an endless loop that doesn’t continue. It doesn’t repeat, and it never takes me back to the beginning like a perfect circle should do. I call this circle the half-cut circle, the one shape that doesn’t exist in our world. You could argue that this circle is not even a circle. So, why am I even telling you that this is all I think about? I don’t think about this. I don’t even think about shapes.
The one time Susan placed the cube in the correct slot was a moment not worth forgetting. It was the exact moment where I could steal the glory. And I did just that as I took away her perfect shapes. Replacing them with chewed up doll heads that were left outside near our house. Nobody claimed responsibility for such a cruel prank, but Susan’s smile begged to differ. It made me think that I did the right thing.
Time just doesn’t end; it keeps going even when I haven’t had a chance to say goodbye to the world. And I think like this because they force us to. We are made to do these things, and society will always make us do them. Following orders is something I never grasped the reality of. Whether it was fear that kept me away from wanting to know why. I don’t know, but I know this for certain; I’m here for a reason, and Susan was taken away for a purpose. We have our own connections, and Susan’s purpose was being here in the first place.
Something crazy is about to happen soon. I sense this as I’m the only one here. Looking through the goggles that they placed on me makes me wonder whether it’s all dream mixed with reality. The man told me that it was just something worth nothing that I don’t fool for such a thing. And then a woman by the name of Helena came into my life. She was looking at me like she’d seen a ghost. It wasn’t long until she was on cake. And just like that we were thinking about splitting it two ways.
Of course one of us has to feel satisfaction. One of us needs to know that the other is no longer needed. I made sure that the larger amount was delivered on time. By giving her the small slice of the profits I found myself looking in a broken mirror with a huge grin that wouldn’t wipe off. I tried applying so much pressure to my skin, and it would just make it go a thicker red. Before I know it, I’m looking at a reflection of someone I know holding Susan’s lifeless body in his left hand. Her long hair down the front of her face, and her feet dangling with no life whatsoever.
That’s just smoke & mirrors. That’s what someone would tell me, I know how they get it in their minds that it’s all illusion. None of it is real, and the more I stare the longer it will stare back. By giving it satisfaction, I’m giving it purpose to look back at me. Where’s the reason? Where is the reason to why it wants to stare right back at me? There isn’t reason. So, why am I feeling like there is a purpose to all this? It’s simple as none of this adds up.
It’s going to be a quiet night tonight; I’ve got the whole world watching me soon. They’ll be using their clients, their code in order to not miss the show of a lifetime. Many shows later they won’t even remember that I starred in it. That’s why this place is so secretive, that’s why it’s so hidden. Nobody escapes through the cracks even if we can see them. The red lines make it blurry, and the sore eyeballs don’t remove the dreams from reality. It just provokes the need to for us to split down the middle. Whether it’s staring into a mirror, taking up the smoking, or just ending our lives with misery.
We all have choices.
Society makes most of our choices hidden, but we find answers, and our answers don’t always make sense.
We can never be sure whether the choices we make are the right choices to follow through with.
Susan was my choice.