“... He’s dead.”
I sat at the table, in the office building of my school, and had just been shocked by the sight of my mom and stepdad in the office.
“It’s really weird to think about.” I said to my mother, as she sat there on the chair looking at me with this incredibly serious look on her face, which was the only appropriate one during the circumstances. It was just kind of a pathetic try to break the awkward silence, which was ruling over the room.
“It’s okay John… Don’t hide your emotions, it only makes this harder, than it has to be.” My mom said, breaking the serious expression and with tears starting to show in her eyes.
“No…” I mumbled for myself.
“Please John, don’t suppress your feelings. You have done that way too much” She stared me deep in the eyes. “You need to start acting like you have emotions.”
Why did she always have to make everything worse? Now the woman to my left started. “I know that it’s hard, but you need to understand that we are here and you don’t need to be ashamed of being sad.”
“Could you please, just not say anything right now?” I was beginning to get annoyed at her. “I don’t need any cliché shit right now, okay?”
It was clear that my mother was surprised about me speaking like that at this moment. “John! Your father just passed away, and you’re worried about clichés? What kind of cynical human are you?” The tears were starting to run down her face, and she had started yelling.
“It’s not my fault that he never was there for me, you know… It’s hard to be really sad about the death of someone you hardly knew.” I was calm, and didn’t even sense the woman on my left, starting to act nervously. “I guess it might seem like I’m an asshole, but really I’d rather lose him, than any other people in my life!” I ran out of the room, leaving three full grown adults with their jaws to the floor.
My thoughts were storming through my head. How could they expect me to really react with nothing else but silence? The silence was just out of sheer respect of my mother, because she was crying so intensely, but when they started their shit with me needing to let out emotions, then I couldn’t control my rage. I was angrier than anything, but only because I knew I should be sad, but it was like all emotions just vanished that very moment, where I got the news about his death.
I was almost at the door to my room, when I heard an easily recognizable voice say. “Are you okay? You looked sad when you went up the stairs, but then you suddenly seemed sad?” It was my best friend, who was as always concerned about me.
“Well I just got the news that my dad was found dead this morning, so I guess I’m very sad…” I said, going over to the window and stared out over at the office building, where I a few minutes before had got the news. “My parents are here, and they expect me to cry and show my emotions.”
She stood at my left side, and looked at me. “Oh my god. What do you mean by you guess you’re sad?”
“Well, he’s always been like a stranger who I visited once or twice a month, out of sheer pity after his accident. I’ve never really seen him like anything else.” My face was completely emotionless, and I just stared intensely out in the woods, focusing on a tree.
“Whoa, damn… What happened to him?” Now she was also just looking out of the window.
“Well, a few years ago I was sitting in my room, and I heard my mom reacting to something in the living room.” I turned my head and looked her directly in the eyes. “My dad was found almost lifeless on his couch in his house. He hadn’t eaten anything for nearly 3 weeks, and the only thing he had drunk was alcohol.” My eyes caught the floor. “The next day I visited him in the hospital. He… He was unable to speak, and I was told he had been near something called Liver Coma.”
She almost seemed more effected by my story than I have ever been. “So? What happened to him then?”
“He got better, but he was suffering from dementia. At one point he almost seemed like a normal dad, you know trying to be a part of my life. Then he started drinking again.” I moved over to my bed, and sat down on the edge. “Then the countless ins and outs of the hospital started. He went from living in his house, to lying in the hospital with a broken leg. Then the hip, and then his back.” I buried my head in my hands. “Then the time on this weird facility started, his home had been sold, and he had no place to live. So he ended up a place for mentally disabled people. All he ever did in that apartment was just sitting in that god forsaken sofa, where they found him this morning.” I looked up at her, and realized that she had started crying.
“Tha… That’s horrible.” Her eyes were shining, and her cheeks were soaked.
“For those who had a good relationship to their father it might be. But to me, he have never been anybody else than a pitiful man, who I felt obligated to visiting.” I stood up and hugged her. “You know… You’re almost reacting worse to this than I am.” I pulled her out and smiled at her. “See? I’m okay.”
“But… How can you be okay? Your father just died.” She seemed so weirdly confused about my words.
“You need to understand that I have never seen him as a father.” I tried to cheer her up a bit. “You just be happy that I never saw him as my dad, or else it would be you trying to cheer me up.” I wiped a tear from her cheek.
“Tomorrow I’m going in to see him, for the last time. He will at least be peaceful this last time.” I smirked.
She puffed to me. “Don’t say stuff like that. He might just have been like a stranger, but he is still you dad.”
“Yeah, you’re right. I’m going to show him some respect, even though he might not deserve it. Want to find the others?” I opened the door, and glanced at her.
“Sure.” She said, still with some tears in her eyes.