Now, things weren't as peachy for our father-to-be Louis Tomlinson. With the few days he had off before they were thrown back into the swing of things one last time, he was trying to gather his bearings. The mother of his child, Briana, had called mere hours before, hinting at the fact that she needed a bigger home. Of course he wouldn't deny her a house, especially not if it was for his only child. But something just felt off to him. From the house to the child support, while she may have remained civil, there was just something that wasn't right. Something that didn't sit well with him.
His train of thought though was cut off by his phone going off. He checked to see a message from Harry saying stop ignoring Kennedy, she's worried.
Louis didn't bother responding. He knew she was, he also knew she had grown far too fond of him. The least he could do was spare her the drama and stay away. There was no way he was in anyway capable of maintaining any kind of relationship with anyone really. He was mess, a huge bloody mess, and he really needed to get his shit together in just a few short months. So instead of just facing life head on, he had taken to cutting everyone off. Not exactly the best step forward, but he was drowning and he really just didn't know what to do anymore.
Mate, seriously you dont even have to answer me, just talk to her
"Fuck." Louis muttered, rolling his eyes. Sometimes he really hated Harry, but mostly because he was the only one who could get him to actually get his shit together.
Reluctantly, Louis finally opened all the unread messages he had from Kennedy from the last few weeks. Yeah, it was a total dick move to not even open them, but he didn't want to be reminded of the fact that Kennedy was even in his life. He knew better, he had to know better. He wasn't about to mess things up for her as well.
Hey, hope the tour is going well. Ended up not getting into Berkeley :( But I heard your sales are doing great!
He smiled, guiltily, and opened the next one.
Reagan is so mad. You guys couldn't stay in the hotel just one night? She had to run major interference last night lol, boy are you guys going to get it when you come back.
Louis laughed. That was the night he and Niall had gone out to some pub in England, of course, and had gotten completely smashed. He had gotten another sonogram from Briana and it sent him into a tailspin, kind of like how everything related to the baby had. He knew better, he really did, but something about the immense responsibility just set something off within him that led to senseless destruction.
So super corny, but I miss you and I hope you're okay :)
He sighed. Maybe he was reading too much into it. It couldn't be possible that Kennedy actually liked him, could it be? He knew that in a kid kind of way she had a crush on him, that didn't phase him. His little sister's friends did too, and they used to follow him around with those dreamy eyes and wide-eyed stares. But they hadn't phased him. He hadn't ever thought of them as anything else but kids. And Kennedy, well, Kennedy wasn't a kid anymore. He couldn't see her in that way. But to think of her as...
Nope, not happening.
He closed the messages and put his phone away. Until he could get his life together he couldn't face her. He couldn't face anyone.
wait, when you turned in that CD was it with the new version of the song Olivia? because i wasn't done, Harry messaged.
Louis sighed when he looked at the text, Julian had told him not to tell Harry that they hadn't changed it. All Harry wanted was a few more trumpets in the background, and really they didn't have the time to put up with his compulsive madness. The album was finished, it was done. They weren't going back to it again.
Louis finally just dialed Harry, knowing that if he didn't talk to him in this instant he would just continue flooding him with annoying messages and pointless questions.
"What?" He snapped when Harry picked up his phone.
"You called me." He pointed out.
"Yeah, because you won't fucking leave me alone."
"You want to talk about rude, mate?"
Harry sighed, "Look, first of all, did you message Kennedy back?"
"I'm no mood, Harold."
"Oh, come on. She's just a kid, you're hurting her feelings."
"We both know she is not a kid."
"I thought you said she was like your little sister."
Louis remained silent.
"She's a kid, Louis. A kid."
"I know, Harry. I know she's a kid. She's Lottie's age for Christ's sake." He said, referring to his younger sister.
"Okay, well, can you please just let her know you're okay."
"She's worried about you, everyone is." Harry mumbled.
"No you're not."
"Oh, I'm sorry. Are you Louis Tomlinson now? Are you a mind reader? Can you suddenly inhabit my body?"
"The sarcasm isn't necessary."
"Neither is the constant mothering."
"Louis, I know you've been going through a rather tough time lately."
"What are you talking about, this is the most fun I've had on a tour."
"Do you even remember any of it?"
"What are you implying?" Louis said furrowing his brow.
"You were either stoned or drunk out of your mind, Lou. You need to get your shit together."
"Yeah, alright, mom."
"Well, dad, what do you have? About four months until the baby is born?"
Louis sighed deeply.
"Yeah, exactly." Harry said.
"Whatever, I'm going to sleep."
"It's nine PM."
"So first you patronize me for drinking and going out, and now you're judging me for going to be early? Get your act together man, you have to decide what you want me to do."
Harry laughed, "Okay, yeah, you're right. Go to sleep."
Louis smirked, "How's Rae?"
"You're at hers?"
"Yeah, mate. Where else would I be?"
Louis smiled, "Good night, Harold."
"Night." Harry mumbled before hanging up the phone.
Louis sat back in his own bed and felt his mind starting to race again. He was beginning to revert back to his old self, the person he was when Zayn was around and they both felt like the outsiders. The person who was self-destructive and only care about himself. He swore he'd never be like that again. But at the same time it was so hard not to be, especially when everything was about to change.
He was scared shitless basically, and his only defensive was to pretend all of this wasn't happening. Only this time the problem wouldn't just magically disappear, in about four months it would be in his arms, crying in the middle of the night. It would have to be fed, and clothed, and changed. It would have to have someone to look up to, and Louis just didn't think he was the right man for the job.
So how could he even face Kennedy when he couldn't imagine being a father to his own child? Harry was totally right, he really did need to get his shit together. In fact, he should've been doing that. He should be doing that. But he just didn't know how.
Hey, it's me. Sorry to bother you again, if you want I won't message you anymore. I just wanted to tell you that I really do hope you're okay.
Louis looked at the message, and saw below it that she was still typing. As he was waiting for her to continue, she stopped. A minute passed, and it appeared she decided not to send the second part of the message. He shook his head, he knew it must've been because she was flustered, because he had managed to alienate just as he was doing with everyone else in his life.
He didn't know how to get his shit together all at once, but he did know that maybe (and ironically) baby steps would be the best way to do that.
Hey, yeah i'm fine, kenz. Just getting ready for bed.
He waited a second, two, three, and felt his pulse accelerate. He didn't now why. Maybe it was just because he was finally doing the right thing. Maybe it was because of the person he was messaging, but well, that was just messy and he'd rather think it was because of the latter reason.
But then he saw her text bubble beginning to come to life again, and he knew the tightness in his chest and the anxiety in his stomach were not because he was doing the right thing. Not by a long shot. But fuck if he knew, all knew was that he was far too messed up to be in Kennedy's life and that maybe messaging her back wasn't the best way to begin doing the right thing.
Two steps fowards, and three steps back. Yep, that seemed to be the Louis Tomlinson way the past few months.
Oh, yeah, me too. She replied.
oh ok ill let you go then, i know you have school
no, no it's really fine
He smiled, smiled. A text actually made him smile. He told himself it was because he was being reminded of his sister and that he hadn't talked to her in a while either. He reminded himself that in four months he was going to be a father, that everything was going to change.
And with that he turned off his phone, completely shut it down, and placed it on his bedside table. It was better to just cut himself off from everyone he could hurt until he could be okay again.