(adj) too great to be expressed in words
I was sitting on the couch as usual, watching an episode of Friends. At this point it felt like I spent every day like this, but it was like I was stuck in a track that I didn't know how to break out of. I felt so heartbroken all the time, and there was nothing to do since Ella had fallen for the jerk. Why did it always have to be like that? When people said that they wished their life was like a movie, I was guessing it wasn't that kind of movie.
I took a sip of my beer after lightly chuckling at a funny line in the show, the smile immediately vanishing from my face. It wasn't like I was unhappy, I just wasn't happy either. Hopefully I'd figure it all out soon.
I'd been on the phone with my little sister all evening. Her name was Luna and I missed her like hell. She'd asked me if I'd finally gained the courage to ask Ella out, but I'd just changed the subject. I used to tell Luna about my feelings for Ella all the time, making it seem even more sad that I'd just kept standing on the sidelines all this time. Luna had also been talking about high school and how she would be graduating soon. I'd promised her to come back home at that point, I wouldn't want to miss it for the world. Maybe it would even be good for me to take a break from this place and just go back home.
I took another sip of my beer as I heard the door unlock and slam again shortly after.
"Hey", I quickly shouted before turning my attention to the television. It was quite new that Ella was coming home this early, I'd expected her to stay out all night. She spent all of her time with him at the moment, but I tried to just be happy for her even though it seemed impossible.
"I can't believe it!" Ella groaned as she walked into the living room and threw her bag on the coffee table. She looked upset at the least, already giving me a pretty clear idea of what had been going on, but I still wanted to her it from her.
"You wanna talk?" I asked as she sat down beside me and snatched the bottle of beer from my hand. "I was kind of not done with that, but alright", I added, not bothering to go get a new one.
She took a large sip of the beer before just shaking her head. We stayed in silence after that and both looked back at the television.
"Calum has been lying this entire time", she finally said and took another sip of beer.
I was tempted to say something like "told you so", but I bit my tongue, thinking it wouldn't be the right time.
"What do you mean?" I asked and turned towards her. Her eyes were glazed like she'd been crying, giving me a sinking feeling.
"I don't even know. He just isn't who I thought he was", she answered and sobbed before placing the beer on the coffee table as well. Then she looked back at me, and suddenly wrapped her arms around my neck in a hug, burying her face by my shoulder. I was taken aback by her sudden action, but then I wrapped my arms around her as well, pulling her closer.
"I'm so sorry", I mumbled, barely knowing what to say to make it all better. I hated Calum. He had the girl who I'd give everything to be with, and he'd just thrown it away. I knew he would hurt her eventually, but this early in their relationship... That was almost impressive.
We just held on to each other and I didn't want to let go ever. At least not until she felt better because all I wanted was for her to be happy. No matter what that meant. Because that's what you do for the people you love, right? You put them before yourself. Maybe I wasn't that good at doing that just yet, but I really tried.
"No, I'm sorry, Parker", she then said and pulled away from me. A tear was rolling down her cheek, and a sad smile grazed her lips as she tried to wipe it away with the back of her hand. Her dark hair was falling down around her shoulders and I knew she'd been spending forever on her clothes and makeup just to see the idiot who'd break her heart. I felt even more angry just by the thought of how she'd been taken for granted. "I should've listened to you. You've been right all along", she continued and sobbed once again.
I didn't know how to feel about that, but yeah, I was right. I'd known Calum meant trouble when he just came wandering into our lives and started changing things like he'd always been here. He couldn't just change things and then leave, but if it would bring me and Ella back together, maybe it would be worth it. It was a selfish way of thinking, but I couldn't help it. For now I'd be a shoulder to cry on, but it was better than being invisible. At least I was somebody to her.
We stayed on the couch for hours, taking turns to get more beer from the fridge until we both felt pretty buzzed. She kept talking about Calum, but I didn't mind anymore now that they weren't a thing. She was so beautiful even when she was drunk, but I already knew that. Her cheeks turned slightly red and she was in this constant state of either laughing or crying, constantly reminding me of how glad she was that I was there for her, and I constantly reminded her that I always would be. That was true. I felt seriously bad about that night it had all gone wrong. The night when I'd kissed her. It was something I tried to block out since it surely wasn't my proudest moment, and I think I apologized at least six times. I wanted to kiss her again, but I didn't want it to be like that.
Eventually it became late and the words became sloppier.
"I don't know what I would do without you", Ella whispered. She was cuddled up beside me, my arm around her shoulders. Her face was just centimeters from mine, and I could feel how just the thought about closing the gap between our lips made the adrenalin pump in my veins.
"Say it again", I said quietly, wanting to hear the words once more.
"I don't know what I would do without you, Parker", she repeated, looking me straight in the eyes, her hazel eyes swallowing me completely. I was so in love with this damn girl, I despised it. Why her? Why not any other girl? Why did it have to be that one girl I for some reason could not have?
I slowly inched closer, the alcohol making me feel overconfident. She didn't pull away, though.
"Why did we never... You know... Try it?" I asked quietly, somehow thinking she would know what I was talking about.
"Try and see if it could work."
"You make no sense."
"If we could work."
Then we just looked at each other once again until she lightly shook her head, making me sigh. I didn't know what I'd been expecting, but I guess I couldn't help but hope that she wanted to give me a chance to show her what we could have been. Maybe someday she would.
"You know I don't feel that way", she mumbled and shrugged. Her voice was soft.
"Are you sure, though?" I asked, my desperation making me keep pressing on.
"I don't know anymore."
Did that mean that she was second guessing not having any feelings for me? Or was I just jumping to conclusions?
"Then let's just try it," I whispered as I leaned in even further, or lips brushing against each other, "you never know what could happen." I wanted her so bad, she just needed to give me the green light. I didn't want it to be anything like the last time.
She seemed to hesitate, thinking it all over, and I had to let her. I shouldn't be getting my hopes up to begin with, and chances were that she would only want to get with me to get over Calum, and I didn't want that either. At least I thought so. Of course I wanted to help her through whatever she was dealing with, but not by being a temporary fix, but in the end, if it was all I could get, I would probably still take it.
Suddenly she grabbed the back of my neck and ran her fingers in my hair, locking some of the strands in between her fingers. Then she looked me in the eyes once again, before pressing her lips against mine, the sensation making my heart flutter even in my intoxicated state of mind. My eyes closed and I pulled her closer even though it was barely possible. I wanted her like this at all times. I wanted to be able to wake up in the morning and just kiss her, but nobody knew how things would turn out for us right now. It could go a lot of ways.
I gradually started to deepen the kiss, parting her lips with my tongue. She seemed to just go with it, which I took as her being fine with it, so I slowly laid her down on the couch and crawled on top of her. We kept kissing for what felt like forever and just a moment at the same time before she finally pulled away and looked up at me. We were both panting a bit.
"I can't do this, Parker", she whispered and shook her head a little. "At least not tonight."
It would be a lie to say that I weren't just a bit disappointed, but not more than that. I was just somewhat happy that she was honest, and at least I'd gotten to kiss her.
"It's alright", I answered equally as quiet and let a smile spread across my lips.
"I love you so much", she continued, before pulling me a bit further down and giving me a quick peck on the lips.
"I love you too, El."