Sorry, not really an update. More of an apology, and I wanna chat with you guys. I have some confessions to make and some other things to say.
I'll start with my apologies, so please stick with me :)
This is a bit of an apology for what I said in a point of my author's notes in the last chapter (on Wattpad)?
Yeah, I've been angry and pissed off at a lot of things lately, and I know that's not really an excuse, but I'm still trying. Bear with me here while I try to get my thoughts in order, please?
So, I'm angry at myself for what I said. I was having a bit of a bitch about Dan and Phil, about how I don't really like their videos anymore, and about theyr tour of the US they're currently doing.
So I said some rude things, and some people got pissed off at me. I'm really sorry, I really am.
I guess I'm jealous, kinda. Because I know that I'm poor, my family is poor, and we can barely afford to pay the bills or put credit on everyone's phones so we can just text each other in an emergency. There's only three of us, too, and I have a really simple plan, with no internet off my property.
And because I'm poor, I can't afford to do anything or go anywhere, let alone to a meet-up or something with the people that changed my life. So for you guys in the US that Dan and Phil are going so close to and can afford to go, I envy you.
But I said some rude things that I felt I just needed to get off my chest, and I realise now that I may have offended some people. I am so sorry, I promise I didn't mean to.
But on the other hand, I did mean what I said. I do have my own opinions and I am entitled to have them and stand by them, which I do.
So, I'm sorry if I offended or pissed off some people, but I do like to speak my mind.
My second apology is ny update schedule, or lack thereof. My life used to be really simple and I was breezing through it, but recently a lot of things have been happening that make me so angry and pissed off and depressed all the fucking time. My school grades are probably fallling, too, because my mind is just too fucked up at the moment. I won't go into specific details for some of them for privacy reasons, but I feel like you guys, you wonderful people that decided to read my story (the one I came up with at midnight one Friday night, no joke), deserve to know a few things.
I have social anxiety. Yup. I'm terrified to go up to teachers outside of class hours to ask for help, I'm terrified to go out and socialise with people, I'm just... terrified to leave my little bubble, my safezone.
My friends are arguing, and I'm the little shit that had to get stuck in the middle. One did something to piss the other one off and they're not talking to each other, but I'm friends with both of them and it's just fucking pissing me off.
I think one of my friends might have depression, but I don't know for sure, and I'm worried for her. I know already that she has social anxiety and is more comfortable being alone, but recently she just seems to be sadder every day. I don't know what to do about it.
I'm stuck I'm a school full of homophobes. I hear comments all around the school, in the lockerrooms, "He's a fucking homo!" "Are you fucking gay!" "They're all fucking faggots!" "She's a lesbo!" "They're fags!" "Fucking gay cunt." And these comments piss me off. Sure, I have a group of friends that don't give a shit about homosexuality, but still. I wanna knock the homophobic people's heads together. I can't deal with it.
Leading on from that, I'm scared of coming out of the closet to my parents. I'm lesbian, I think. Maybe polysexual with a definite preference for girls, but I like girls. I've talked to my parents about it before, dropping subtle hints that I'm into girls, and they've said things that indicated they're certain I'm straight.
Not that there's anything wring with being hetero, good god. There's nothing wrong with being any sexuality, as long as you don't use it against other people.
I even said to my parents once each, "Y'know, I could be bi, girls are cute."
"You're too young to know what you want," they said. But my mum did say that she'd support me if I was, so that's a plus?
I'm fourteen, and I think I'm pretty mature for my age. I also think that I know what I want, and I'm fucking gay.
So there's that. And I trust that you guys don't have a problem with it, seeing as you're reading a story about gay guys XD well, technically bi guys, but you get the point.
So there's that. Moving on.
I have to go to court and it's terrifying. I'm terrified. I can't even begin to tell you how scared I am. I won't say why I'm going to court, but it's taking up all of my thoughts.
So there's a few explanations out of the way, back to apologies.
I'm sorry I don't upload a lot, I really am.
But another reason is, I don't really like Dan and Phil all that much anymore. As I said, they're just... Eh. I can't get there minutes into a new video of theirs without cringing.
And I guess I'm getting kinda pissed off at them, too. I mean, sure, they're cool people and all, and I relate to Dan especially on a spiritual level, but seriously? All they do is make videos.
(Please don't get mad at me. I am purely spilling my thoughts, I feel like I need to put them somewhere.)
I've been thinking about it, and honestly, what have they ever done for me? What have they done for anyone?
Do they do charities?
Do they help people?
I realise I don't know the answer to these questions.
I follow them on their Twitter accounts, too, and they've both tweeted about their tour bus. Their fucking tour bus. And all I cound think was, honestly, "A tour bus. Great. They get a fucking tour bus and I'm stuck back here with a shifty life and nothing better to do than to imagine situations that will never happen."
And people tell me to go out and improve my life? Haha, bullshit, I don't know how. I'm scared to change anything. I just want to sit at my computer all day and play silly games and write stories and make online friends that I'll never be able to see in real life, probably.
I don't have the money to go travelling, or buy the recording setup I want, or anything. I'm just a terrified girl that wants nothing to do with living.
I want to travel, to see the world. I want to go to university. I want to get tattoos, I want to go somewhere in life. But everything costs money these days, and that's money I don't have.
But I want to help others live. I like to help other people, and I want to somehow make their day just a little but better, every day.
But how can I do that if I'm not happy?
I honestly want to cry as I'm writing this. Kill me.
So, in other words, I'm falling into a swirling vortex of darkness with no escape and I don't know what the fuck to do about it. Nor do I really want to do anything about it.
So there's my word spew for today, and I have no idea if any of that made sense. I honestly don't know what else to say.
So how was your day? I really hope you're doing well :) Because you are all beautiful people, and I love you all <3
PS 1: About Dan and Phil, I hope this story doesn't fall apart because of that. Right now, Dan and Phil in this book are more of my original characters.
2: I respect Dan and Phil as people, and I still like them, I'm just not really a fan anymore. Don't get me wrong XD
3: I'm also thinking of writing another Phan book called "The Third Law". It would be different to this one, with one of the characters having depression and not wanting to live. They're popular, right? XD
Would you guys be up for reading that?
4: Find me on Instagram? :D @ willow0angel
That's all for now, I think. I hope you have a lovely day! :D <3