That they won’t be here anymore to pull her back up again.
She can’t breathe. It’s back, it’s back and it’s screaming at her, screaming at her what’s she’s doing, yelling at her that it’s wrong, shouting that she needs to stop, roaring that she can’t do anything right.
She flees the second a moment allows it, legs carrying her somewhere unknown, a place where maybe, just maybe, her heart can breathe again. She staggers and yelps, stumbles and almost falls as she claws her way forward, voice hitching and sobbing.
I’m not made for this world.
Her food catches and the world envelopes her frail body as she falls, too exhausted to even catch herself before she crashes.
She doesn’t get up. It’s pointless, she decides at one point. There’s no meaning to it, if the world is just going to push her back down again.
,,I can’t live with that,” she cries down to the paper, knuckles turning white as she tightens her grip around the pencil.
,,I can’t accept that I have to live with these blows my whole life. They’re..”,
She hiccups, hunching a bit forward as she curls her toes. She worries her bottom lip to the boundary of bleeding, not wanting to let go of the words.
,,They’re not worth it.”
And the feelings don’t let go of her. She’s standing outside, and they are by her side, quietly leaning forward to investigate in something.
And then everything spills over the cup and she has to bolt. She turns and leaves to her room, hearing their surprised voice echo behind her, but the voice feels like a whisper drowned in water.
She hates herself for stumbling, and hates the way she throws herself at her bed, burying her head in the pillow. She hates that they follow, hates even more that she’d expected it and hates the scared feeling that whispers ‘what if they didn’t?’
,,You’re not okay,” they whisper silently, body placed at her side to slowly ran their hands through her hair.
,,I don’t know what it is. I’m so sorry, god I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to-“
They hush her, pulling at her shoulder to make her turn around. When she does, they pick her up in their arms, enveloping her inside their own body.
,,I don’t want to do this anymore. This can’t be right, can’t be true-“
It’s too cruel.
They only tighten their grip around her, placing their head upon the top of her head, slowly rocking them as her cries gradually stills. But somehow, she can’t quite calm down; not after she notices the way their shoulders shake with withhold pain. With tears steaking her cheeks, she nudges against them, watching with wide eyes as she sees the blank eyes in front of her, filled with suppressed tears.
,,I can’t bear that I’m doing this to you,” they whisper, lips thin and cheeks pale.
,,It’s fine,” she sobs, voice a stranger and out of control.
They’re not worth it.
,,You’re worth it.”
She starts crying even harder when she tastes the lie upon her tongue.