,,I’m so tired. I’m so tired of trying, putting effort and heart into things, and still, it’s wrong. Still it doesn’t fit, still people look at me and frown, still things don’t work out, and I’m still sad.
,,I’m tired of people saying that they only need to realize that they are fine the way they are, and that’s all that is. But that’s not how it works. That’s not how I work. I can’t claim that; I can’t even touch it. I try, for the love of heaven do I try, but it’s like holding burning metal.
,,Soon my determination will waver, and only a few breaths of words from people will make me realize; realize that no, it’s not like that. That it’s nothing but a fragile line between happiness and destruction. And while some people will dance at the line, some will fall; and I do that. I fall. I’m caught in a thing that requires something specific I cannot grab ahold of, yet it’s something that everyone needs.
,,And I hate it, but I feel unfairly treated. I feel victimized. I feel weak and tired, timid and nothing, and just want it all to be gone. The good moments are there; the moments I just want to live to my fullest, to be whole and breathing like this forever. But as soon as I stumble, I will fall down that line, and everything will become too exhausting. I can’t continue making this fall; I can’t continue accepting this fall. It’s not right. It’s not how it works.
,,I’m not supposed to be sad, but not happy either. I’m supposed to balance it. I’m supposed to be both, to contain both, and whenever I fall, I’m supposed to have a fall so light, that I will feel the sting in my legs and my arms, but I will get up, and I will finish that line.
,,I’m not supposed to be crashing down, the ground a wave of pain through my whole body, too exhausting to even find the meaning in getting up and going the line again.”
,,I’m so sorry.”
,,But I can’t do this anymore.”
,,It’s too exhausting.”
,,It’s too much.”
,,I really want it to stop.”
The paper says nothing.
,,You know I have to leave one day.. right?”, they ask her the next day, and she can’t bring herself to answer right away – and even if she could, a lump of something uncomfortable has made her way into her throat.
,,I do.”, she finally answers, swallowing down the lump.
,,And that I’ll be gone for a long time.”
She nods, heart shuddering and breath cracking. She tugs down her sleeves, feeling her skin itching. She wills her tears away, demanding it in such way that her knees quiver.
,,You also know that I will come back for you, right?”
And she has to stop and smile, a thing that’s almost a bit too heartbreaking.
,,Yeah. I know.”