Everything about her is a reminder that despite there being brightness and colors around her, she always carries this tragic thing inside her that turns her into this vivid disaster of absolute n o t h i n g.
,,You’re disaster,” something once says. ,,Something wrong. Aren’t you?”
And she has no idea how to answer that, is only rendered speechless and she slowly steps around, trail leaving behind something alike to naught.
,,Why won’t you answer?”, it pushes and she steps back, eyes blank and mouth empty. She’s forgotten how to form words.
Then a laugh. An utterly despicable thing that makes her gut curl and chest tightens. She gasps.
,,But how could I expect that of you. You are, after all-“
It silently looks at her, eyes a bit distraught.
,,But you know that’s only a dream, right?”
She wants to curl up in her chair, to lock it away and never see it again.
,,I don’t care. It felt real.”
,,We talked about this too. You can’t always rely on your feelings. It’s something we need to… not shut off, but you just need to learn to turn your back upon it sometimes.”
And she wants to cry so badly, in pure frustration, because how, how can you turn your back on feelings that you’re almost drowning in, when no matter which fucking way you turn, it’s still there, as obvious as a neon-light, how can you turn your back upon something that’s the only thing there?
,,Why do you want me to shut off my feelings?”
It scrunches it nose, and she doesn’t think she’s ever contained so much hate for a human-being.
,,That’s not what I’m telling you-“
,,No, you need to listen to me: I want you to get better. But you are really sick, I mean it, and you don’t want to take any pills. I can’t see any other solution.”
She looks up, and suddenly she feels very light and very easy, and she can’t help but smile sadly, almost ironically, at the words that leaves her mouth;
,,Then you’re wrong.”
,,And you can’t get away?”, they ask, fingers soft against her back and she feels her body shiver.
,,No. They convinced my mom that I’m really screwed up, which I guess is true, but not as bad as my therapist makes it sound.”
They nod silently, both hands reaching out to fiddle with her hair. She hums pleasantly and closes her eyes.
,,I get that I believe that I’m wrong. But it’s one part of me. Another part of me is still here. And I know that I don’t have to change myself to get better – I can’t, anyway. I just…”, she turns her head, now facing their eyes and the gentle smile they’re giving her. Her heart skips a beat.
,,I need a way to fight it. Not shut it out, or deny myself from feeling it. I just need to learn to be okay with it.”
And she sees a very bright, very true future in the way they smile and slowly they lean forward, breath husky.
,,I’m pretty sure I love you.”