I huff, standing in front of the closed door to the bedroom that I've been dreading to have to clean up. It's the last room in the entire house that needs the updating. It's been two weeks since I've been here and I've managed to get paint for all the rooms and a few new pieces of furniture. I donated old toys and I put the kids beds in the basement. I turned my room into an office and I turned Alex's room into another spare bedroom, so now I have two spares. I've been sleeping on the couch because I hate having to sleep in a room near the one I've been dreading to go into for the past two weeks. Painting tools and paint cans surround me in the hallway for the bedroom. The vacuum is next to me and a garbage bag is in my hand. I take a deep breath, opening the door as I let out the breath, taking in the whole scene again. It took me a minute to not start crying and to pull myself together. I walk in, setting the vacuum by the doorway and I open up the trash bag, starting to throw away the pill bottles whether they were full or empty. There were five total and they all said 'Clifford, Michael. Prescription: Zoloft'. They were his anti-depressants. There was still a full bottle and half of one scattered around the floor. I take another deep breath and start to clean up.
I pull a box out of the dresser, opening it to find pictures and papers in the box, I sift through it finding things between my two dads. I smile while looking through them all. Alex looks a lot like Dad did when he was younger. I find their pictures from homecoming and just shake my head, smiling. Ashton was so cute when he was my age. And so were the other three. They were all so close. I find a random piece of notebook paper and it doesn't have much written on it, but it says 'Can I have a kiss on the cheek?'. I furrow my eyebrows in confusion. I have no clue who wrote this, but it's cute. Probably Michael, honestly. I pull out a picture of Dad sleeping on the plane. I turn it over to see if anything was written on the back and there was. It seemed to have been written by Michael. I think this box of photos and notes was mostly his because there were a lot of pictures and I know that Dad isn't the one to take pictures. On the back of the picture there is a phrase written.
"On the way home to soon meet our little Zelda, and the love of my life, Luke, fell asleep on the plane ride home. I love him so much."
I smile, knowing now that they were on their way home from probably a tour and I was due soon. I sift through a few more things and I find a lot of pictures. And then I find an envelope with my name on it. I pull it out, taking out whatever happened to be in it. And in it was just a letter written by Michael, I'm assuming.
I wish that I didn't have to write this. If you're reading this, I'm gone. And I've probably been gone for a few years. I know Luke won't give this letter to you at seven years old. I am writing this not only as a goodbye letter, but as something to give to you so then you know that I always loved you and I always will love you. You're my first born and you're already so beautiful and I want to watch you grow up to be a beautiful young lady. I'm so glad your father will get to see that and tell me about it all the time. By time you're reading this, you are probably 16-18 years old and living in LA and living a pretty cool life. You're probably about to go off to college soon and study in something to do with music. You're going to be successful someday and I'm just going to tell you this now, I am so proud of everything you accomplish. You're going to find a boy, or girl, one day and you're going to fall in love with their eyes. You're going to fall in love with the bright blue eyes similar to those of the man you'll always love the most. Your father. You'll fall in love with someone's eyes who are so much brighter than yours and you're going to find all the hope in the the world in their eyes. How will you know you've found that? You'll be in the darkest time of your life, and you'll stumble across them and the first time you look into their eyes, you'll feel okay. You won't be falling apart, you'll be okay. That's how I found Luke. His eyes were always so much brighter than my green ones and in them I saw hope. I saw hope that one day, I was going to be okay again. I'm obviously not okay, and my anti-depressants don't work anymore and I've given up. But let me tell you this, I have never given up on you, my little bean. Never. I love you, and I will always love you. I love you to the moon and back and I'll love you for the rest of time. Madison Zelda, I love you, don't you dare forget that.
After reading through it, I have tears streaming down my cheeks and a smile on my face. As soon as I clear the tears away from my cheeks, I realize that something had fallen out of the envelope and onto the floor in front of me. I pick it up to see that it's a necklace and it says. "To the moon." and I smile down at it. I'm pretty sure I've seen the "And back" one hanging up in my Dad's room before. I fumble with the clasp, but then put it on, putting my hand over it and smiling.
"I love you too, Dad. I love you so much."