invisible // muke

"You've made me feel so much happiness and I don't want to ever leave that happiness." It's March 22, 2013; our one month. A moment I'll cherish forever and a moment I'll never forget.

There are mentions of self harm, suicide, abuse, and depression. If you have any of these problems and just need someone to talk to, my inbox is always open ❤️


18. you and me // lifehouse

I wipe the tears from my eyes as Calum gently rubs my back.
"I can't believe he hasn't talked to me since, Calum." I continue to sob into my hands. I need to get a hold of myself. I'm a complete mess. 
"Luke. Stop beating yourself up over it. I don't know why you're saying since, it's been two hours." Calum sighs, probably done with my nonsense. "You both yelled some terrible things at each other that you both don't mean."
"But I told him I didn't love him. I told him that I never wanted to see him again. Calum do you realize what this could do to him if he's not supervised?!" I practically yell at Calum.
"He'll be fine, Luke." Calum says calmly, continuing to rub my back. I'm now furious with how calm he's acting right now. I'm also forgetting that Calum and Ashton don't know about Michael's suicidal thoughts and his self harm. But now Calum knows because I just let everything slip.
"No he won't!" I stand up off the bed, getting away from him. "Do you not realize he could have killed himself by now?! Calum, he fucking hurts himself every time we fight. Of course I'm going to beat myself up over it. My boyfriend is hurting himself because of me and I feel so so so bad about it. Calum, I need Michael. I need to go find him. If Ashton hasn't found him, I will. I don't care what it takes, but I will find him. He's not dying tonight." The last bit of voice leaves from my throat as almost a whisper. It's like I'm so determined that I am not letting him die. I love him way to much to let him do that. I open Michael's bag, getting his jacket out and throwing it over me. I slip on my shoes, leaving the hotel room. I will find him.

As I'm walking up to a really beautiful bridge, I see the head of galaxy hair I was thankful for seeing. I slowly walk up to him, worn out from running around town, frantically trying to find him. Michael is holding something in his hand, looking out over the bridge. It was over a river that wasn't too far from the top of the bridge. If he jumped off this one, he'd sprain his ankle if he didn't make a safe landing. Mostly minor injuries if he did. I pull Michael's jacket closer to me as the cool night surrounds me.
"Mikey." I mumble almost inaudible. Michael's head shoots over to look at me and he doesn't smile. He actually has more of a distressed look on his face. Tears trickle down my cheeks as memories of the fight that happened 4 hours ago.

"Will you just shut up!?" I yell.
"You're the one yelling! You're the one being loud as fuck while I'm actually trying to sleep." Michael groans, crossing his arms, leaning in the doorway of the back room of the bus.
"You know what Michael. I don't fucking care."
"You know, I don't fucking care either. I don't care about you, so why am I even bothering to talk to you when all you've done is yell at me." I hitch my breath at the words 'I don't care about you'. My face heats up from either anger or hurt. Either way, I just felt like yelling back.
Fine! If you don't fucking care about me, why don't you just leave!? It's not like I loved you anyway!" I practically scream, tears now streaming down both of our faces.
"Fine I'll leave." Michael says as the bus comes to a stop.
"I don't want to ever see your face again! Just fucking leave already!" I scream, tears running down my cheeks as I hear the bus door slam. Ashton rushes past me and Calum tries to help. I just shove him off, furiously making my way into the hotel.

"I'm sorry, Michael." I sob out, almost caught by surprise that I could even speak that clear while sobbing. "I didn't mean any of that. I just...I'm just so tired. I'm tired of not being home, I'm tired of not being able to talk to my parents or my brothers, I'm tired of performing, I'm just tired in general. I love you so much and I honestly wish I never said that. Ever." I sniffle, continuously wiping the tears with the sleeve of Mike's jacket that I'm wearing. He just pulls me into a tight hug, the rustling of the plastic around the bouquet of roses making loud noises in my ear for a moment. I just bury my face into the crook of his neck as he rubs my back.
"I-I'm so-orry, L-Luke." Michael stutters through sobs. He clings to me, also burying his face in the crook of my neck. "I lo-ove yo-u. I d-do c-care." I honestly wish we had more moments like this where we were clinging to each other, but it's not healthy for our relationship to be fighting like this. After standing there for what seemed like twenty minutes, we pull away from each other and wipe each other's tears. "I almost threw my promise ring into the river." Michael mumbles, wiping away more tears. "But I promised. I fucking promised you that I wasn't going to leave you. And you promised me that you weren't going to leave me. And when I reminded myself of that, I didn't. I put that ring back onto my finger and walked to the little flower shop over there and I bought you some roses. I know it's not much right now for our year and six months, but I left the dumb gift in the bag at the hotel." He cracks a smile, making me smile.
"You didn't have to get me anything."
But I wanted to." Michael smiles more, kissing me softly and shortly. "Please keep smiling because when you got here, your eyes were the dullest I've ever seen them and I don't want to ever see that again. It made me so upset to see that. I want to see the bright eyed Luke. The bright eyed Luke that I met my first day of year 9 at my new school."

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